Flats

I have settled into my new flat (though it is an over 20 year-old flat, but to me it is new) for coming to a year, since I moved in last September. In fact, I am getting so used to it, being so near the MRT, I left my home heading to work, more than 20 minutes later than the past, sleeping later than usual, hardly take any bus these days, and even when working late in office, I find it much faster to take a train home rather than catching a cab at times.

How fast new habits begin to form as a result of moving to this new place. In fact, I have gotten lazier, not wanting to leave my house unless necessary. In fact, the last time I used to stay in a HDB flat, (HDB flat is Singapore’s public housing) was more than 10 years ago, when I was still attending junior college, and ever since then, I have been staying at my brother’s landed property for more than 10 years. Never was there a need to take a lift to my apartment then, and catching a public transport was not really that easy, though it was a really nice cool walk to walk to the nearest bus-stop in those days. I used to sleep on the 1st or 2nd storey then, and being on a lower level, the sunlight hardly entered the bedroom, keeping the sleeping environment pretty dark and cosy. Yet these days, especially during weekend when I can afford to sleep a bit later than usual, I am usually awoken by the stream of bright sunlight entering my room, being on the 10th level.

I am not complaining, just comparing the huge difference. Now staying near to many amenities has its pros and cons. Snacking becomes almost a very easy task, as I would have to pass by a 24 hours coffee shop before I reach home everyday, with great temptation crying out at me, chicken wings, fish ball soup, rojak, roti prata…. etc, etc…. I am trying very hard by my self effort to shed the extra 2 kg, Lord, help me!

Why am I dwelling on this topic “flats” then? I have been wondering, if I can afford it (which I think I maybe one day), to get a condominium or private property, would I ever want to move into one? This question came to me recently, as I have been designing many such building type for the longest time, perhaps the one building type that I have been constantly designing, despite of the fact I wish there is something new I can design soon, though I still enjoy doing it, finding new ways to look and design housing, breaking new grounds hopefully at the same time. (Come to think of it, about 3 or 4 of such building type that I did have been or are currently being built.) Yet, honestly, I may not want to stay in one, despite of the prestige, the facilities, or even if it is designed by myself. Why, I ponder. Perhaps I still like the simple pleasure of staying in public housing, in a midst of a well established housing estate, where all the facilities are there. I prefer convenience above all. And being pretty busy even now, I doubt there is time to even enjoy the facilities of the condominium, even as of now, I hardly have 2 hours a day to enjoy my TV and some serenity moments in my bedroom… perhaps it is my time management problem that I got to solve first…

Most of all, I do not like to be in debt for too long, having to take half of my lifetime to pay off my housing debt, I see it as a crazy choice to make, just for the sake of staying in a condominium, etc, this is just my thought. I prefer freedom, able to go anywhere I like, not having to worry about keeping a job to pay off my debt. And yes, I hope I didn’t offend anyone in this week’s blog, especially I hope this writing will not jeopardize my housing design career…. Oops, I better run off before I get into any trouble! Ciao!

Letting Go

Letting go has never been easy, if you know what I mean. In fact, I believe all of us are holding on to something in our lives, refusing to let go, be it a wayward son, a broken relationship, a treasured dream, a heart-broken memory, a broken heart… if we have lived on this planet long enough, we would have accumulated some of the above to some degree or another.

Through the years, I have learnt to let go in some areas, slowly though. As the revelation of my endless longing, or my holding onto something amount to nothing, but rather my letting go, and placing them in my Shepherd’s big powerful hands, will surely come to pass, I begin to slowly open one finger at a time, learning to trust Him and let Him take charge.

I must have a special love for drawing hands, besides my little lamb series, as you can tell if you have followed this blog “religiously”, the above is another of such series. Indeed, I have a dream, a dream that seems so close to being fulfilled, that I nurse it, guard it carefully. A dream which is at the beginning, a gift from Papa God, yet as the days went by, I began to take full ownership of it, trying to take it out of the hand of Him, relying on my own effort to fulfill it. I forgot, I forgot that it was from Him, I forgot that if it begins from Him it has to be done through Him and ends with Him, I forgot…

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit down as I walked to my bible study, not because of anything that happened in the day, in fact, the presentation that I was preparing for the past week went pretty well, and should be a thing to rejoice in, yet I was not feeling that way. In my short journey there, I could not put a finger to the problem, just not sure why. And I reminded myself, I walked by faith and not by sight, not by my feeling…, trying to brush that aside by rationalizing the problem, yet the feeling of emptiness stayed irregardless.

As I stepped into the main auditorium, with the sounding of the worship song, a mental image was suddenly formed, I saw my hands in His hands, letting go, letting go of the dream I held dearly in my heart…. Letting go, for I know this very well through the years, for unless the Lord builds the house, I labour in vain, and I refuse to do anything out of my own puny strength, even if there is any. A peace flooded my heart. Indeed, to me “letting go” is never easy, especially a longed for dream that seems so close to being fulfilled, yet I know deep within myself, Papa God needs no help, and He only wants me to trust Him, without Him, I can’t do anything.

Papa God, forgive me, I know you already did long time ago, yet still, forgive me for forgetting, for trusting in myself, I put it into Your hands hereafter, only You Lord. Only You can.

Himself

Though there are many times I drew my Shepherd and His little lamb, I have never attempted to draw the cross at all as far as I could remember, though the image of the cross has touched me countless times in my life. His nailed-pierced hands, the crown of thorns on His head, the bloody wounds on His back, the totally abandoned Son hanging helplessly on that old rugged cross, simply for me, the image of the highest form of love. How many times this image has seen me through the most difficult times in my life, leaving me with gratitude in my heart, that if He gave up His life for me, how would He not save me out of all the troubles I am in?

Pardon the “religious” sounding blog today, this blog was never meant to be preachy, but a venue for me to keep in touch with my loved ones, and to download my thoughts, document some little episodes in life, and most of all, to encourage me to draw again. However, it would never be void of the Shepherd, as He is my constant dependence, my most dear Friend.

What a coincidence it must have been yesterday, as I sat to listen to the teaching during bible study, the above image suddenly flooded my imagination, seeing a little lamb, standing at the foot of the cross, beholding the ages’ most important episode, the moment where the universe’s most important Being hung on a tree to express His eternal love for me. And at that moment I heard one of the most beautiful poems written, and it touches me. In the past, He was merely my fire insurance, a rope to hold on to, just in case heaven is real. Now He is every reason for my being, for all that I do. Hope you too will find strength, hope, and all that you ever need in Him, in Christ alone, only Him.

HIMSELF

by A. B. Simpson

It was the blessing, Now it is the Lord;

Once it was the feeling, Now it is His Word.

Once His gifts I wanted, Now the Giver own;

Once I sought for healing, Now Himself alone.

Once 'twas painful trying, Now 'tis perfect trust;

Once a half salvation, Now the uttermost.

Once 'twas ceaseless holding, Now He holds me fast;

Once 'twas constant drifting, Now my anchor's cast.

Once 'twas busy planning, Now 'tis trustful prayer;

Once 'twas anxious caring, Now He has the care.

Once 'twas what I wanted, Now what Jesus says;

Once 'twas constant asking, Now 'tis ceaseless praise.

Once it was my working, His it hence shall be;

Once I tried to use Him, Now He uses me.

Once the power I wanted, Now the Mighty One;

Once for self I labored, Now for Him alone.

Once I hoped in Jesus, Now I know He's mine;

Once my lamps were dying, Now they brightly shine.

Once for death I waited, Now His coming hail;

And my hopes are anchored, Safe within the vail.

Day dreaming, running away

It has been a busy week, not that I have to work late every day, but there were so many things to attend to, there was hardly much time to sit down and do some decent design work. What I dreaded most was all the administrative work that I have to do, emails to write, calls to be made, and overseeing the work to be done to meet "datelines".

Suddenly I felt as if I have gone back in time to about 8 years ago, when I was working as a teacher. As I recalled those days, not that I disliked teaching (in fact, teaching to me is such a noble career), but one thing I hated to consider then was, as one became a more experienced teacher, one ended up with more administrative work and lesser time in teaching. This was one area that definitely put me off quite a bit and still baffled me. Why would anyone in their right mind allow someone so skilful in teaching to go into more administrative post?

Have I also become more "senior" and "experienced" in my work? I dislike to think so. I definitely did not like what I did for the past week, and I would not like to do this for a prolonged period. The reason why I enjoyed my job was most probably I enjoyed the process of digging deep into a design brief, exploring new possible ways to the design, etc, rather than delegating the favourite part of my job to others, and I ended up running around coordinating the work, etc. Selah.... A deep sigh.... And when I finally find some time to do my design, it was already past official working hours. I ended up putting in some "not-up-to-par" design solutions, which only my Lord knows... And an empty feeling begins to emerge from the inside; produce for the sake of producing, no longer really enjoying it, but rather as a task. This is definitely not the kind of lifestyle I seek. For I know for sure that the blessing of the Lord makes one rich and adds no sorrow with it.

And as I behold those people above me, to be honest, I am not in the least envious of them. Being so fully occupied everyday with meetings, coordinating, networking, etc. I just want to be true to myself, engrossed in what I always like to do: design (the stubborn me at work again...), leaving everything to Papa God to take care, as I know He sure knows where to put me, at the right place at the right time.

Perhaps it is precisely such time that my dream break seems more and more essential to me, an occasion for me to "escape" from all these realities, into His arms, and to seek Him. A time to step back and rest. Lord, I really really dislike all the administrative work, help me out of them all! Papa God, deliver me out of this! Only You can! Thank You Father.

Birthday 2006

Last Tuesday was my birthday. I am always pretty shy with this, in fact, I don’t really like to discuss this, as to how to celebrate, or what present I would want to receive, etc. And this explains why, I would give myself a little birthday gift, that is, a break on this day every year, hiding from colleagues, etc, by taking the day off from work, regardless of how rush my work in office is.

Almost without fail, a few days before the actual day, I would have a little celebration with my long-time childhood friend, since we shared almost the same birthday dates, just 2 days difference. Had a simple dinner, and after that we tired each other out by shopping for each other’s present. And on the previous Sunday, I had a nice cosy lunch with my dear church friends, having a wonderful time of chatting and catching up, almost having a recharging effect to me. That was really cool! And back to the office on the Monday, a little cake-candle blowing session was organized by a few close colleagues, and courtesy of the sponsorship of a cake by my absentee boss, I think the secretary has a part to play in it more, still, a great thank you to all.

Yet nothing beats celebrating with my family. On the actual day, I brought 4 of my niece and nephews out for a lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with my mom, simple as it is, but the fun of hanging around with them was unspeakable. Bringing them around for shopping, having a cup of ice cream each, and finished off the day watching TV programme together, when was the last time we did something such as this? It must have been a year ago, I pondered. How I missed such leisurely free time, no one to impress, nothing to rush, enjoying the luxury of “wasting” time.

And my birthday resolution? Now that I am almost fully convinced that by the end of this year, after having entered into my 7th working year, I have decided to take on a more laid back life, making plan to take a really long break, maybe 2 months. And indeed I think I must have started my plan subconsciously already, I actually went to the movies twice within a week! Despite the news of several more projects after I came back from my one day off, I hit the record high of having 7 projects on my list to do! This is a present I don’t really want, as it marks the fact that I have very little time for each project, and ended up delegating my projects to my assistants. (Yes, now I have quite a huge number of human resources.) This perhaps is one thing I am really not used to, as I have almost reached the extent of not having a chance to design anymore, but overseeing their work, writing emails, coordinating the various assistants so that there is no duplication etc, though I know I can handle such task of delegating well by the grace of God, yet I dislike the idea of doing this, as I enjoy the process of isolating myself, being alone with my Shepherd, poring over my design, seeking for little breakthrough and innovative solution. The truth is I am already beginning to feel deprived of this since the day I have more assistants… Guess I really like to be a loner designer, and most of all, to be given sufficient time to explore…

Sorry for the diverse train of thoughts, back to the main theme, thanks to all of you dear ones out there, family, friends and colleagues, thanks for all the treats, the several cakes I received, the watch, toys, books, accessories, etc, but most of all the gift of your precious time during this season, the most precious gift to me is the wonderful time we spent together. Thanks beloved ones! Thanks, thank God for you all!

Mother and Son

Today I saw one of those most moving scenes on the train (why is it always on the train?). I saw a little boy, about 5 years of age, with his mom, standing by my side as the train was crowded. (Please do not ask why I did not give up my seat for the little boy as I was lazy.)

Apparently the mother of the little boy must have said something to him, which I missed as I was engrossed in my reading, maybe she mentioned that she was tired or sleepy, and the son said something that warmed my heart in that instant. He pointed at his tiny little shoulder, and told his mom to rest upon his shoulder. This did not take the mom by surprise, as she “obediently” stooped down and rest her head upon his shoulder, closed her eyes, pretending to sleep, I presume. What a beautiful moment!

It was not long that the mother opened her eyes, and the little boy who noticed this, turned to his mom, told her not to worry, as he would wake her up when they reached the station. I wished at that moment I was brave enough to capture this entire episode with my handphone, yet I can only remember this with my mind, as I was too shy.

As I recalled this incident I saw today, I began to wonder. Deep within the little boy, there must a desire that he wants to take care of his mom, and that he loves his mom deeply. Yet suddenly I saw another perspective, I suspect this mom must have done this countless times to her son, asking him to rest upon her strong shoulder, that made this little act of love almost like an everyday habit to this little boy, to want to do the same for his mom. I was moved. And as the train drew near to the next station, the mother opened her eyes, stood up, and both reached out to hold each other’s hand unconsciously, and walked out of the train.

I saw love manifested from the little boy to his mother, though I definitely must have missed those lovely scenes where the mom took care of the little boy, those countless sleepless nights, as she watched over him when he was afraid or sick, the time when she tried to feed him when he was younger, the time when she smiled at all those beautiful little kid’s clothes hanging at the departmental store, imagining his little boy wearing them, etc.

The little boy must have been brought up in an environment of unconditional love, that he wants to do the same for his mom, expressing his love for her in his little simple way. This also reminded me of another beautiful story, perhaps the most beautiful. Similarly, or rather much more, my Papa God, from the day I was born I believed, till now, He must have endlessly showers His great love upon me, even when countless times I failed to see Him. Yet now and then, there is always a desire to show a little of my puny love for Him, like the little boy in the story. His love so great makes me want to love Him more! I believe it is the same for you!

One Year Anniversary

If I did not remember wrongly, should be a year ago, on this special day that I created this blog, not sure for what purpose, but mainly out of curiosity and fun, also as a place to publish some of my cartoons, and expresses my thoughts. It's been a year, and how fast time flies! Thank you for all your support for the past year, and I am actually pretty amazed that there are slightly more than 2000 hits for the past year, knowing that many comes from a few very dear ones. Many things have happened over the year, I have bought a flat, moved house, recovered from a physical infirmity, settled into my job, went to Europe for the 1st time, started this blog, starts to write more and expresses more through word and never drew so much within a year! As a result, I think I have grown stronger, only in Him, and after seeing my own inability more and more through the year, I have become more dependent on Him as well. Also, I have begun to see life a bit differently, learning to let go, and trusting my Shepherd for the impossible, and yes, a year has passed. But for the new year ahead, I hope to take a long break, for once, decided to take on a more laid-back attitude, with the idea that my Shepherd will surely provide for me, even though I still have a loan to pay.

No special illustration for today, but a change in the banner for the blog, showing a set of my recent, relaxed sheep postures. I love all these little lamb illustrations, as each reminded me of a certain small and simple episode in my life that my Papa God has seen me through. Have a blessed week ahead, hope to post a cute illustration this weekend! Stay tune!

Emptiness

Everything went very smoothly for the past week, be it presentation or work, and indeed Papa God has always been very faithful to me, giving me great favour despite of my inability. All that I asked was answered and way beyond, yet a strange feeling lingered on the inside of me, despite of all the external success I see and experience, there are times I would fall into a sense of deep emptiness within, and this is it.

Why is it so? I pondered. Is it because of some “non success” in one of my projects? No, it seems. Is it because of disagreement at home at times, though very uncommon happening these days? No, it seems. Is it because a last minute planned holiday was suddenly disrupted? No it seems. Then what is it? I pondered.

I have many dreams in life, and many have come to pass by the wonderful grace of Papa God. Yet at times when such dreams were realized, emptiness filled my heart, and I realized that I have fallen into the trap of pursuing my dreams, though facing challenges with His strength, and almost quite routinely or religiously going to church, reading my beloved bible, listening to sermons, (though I enjoy all these activities and such time tremendously, in fact almost all the time I relished them as luxuries in my life, and I would not trade these for anything in this world), yet I suddenly realized I missed Him…., my Shepherd….

All is vanity, and a verse dawns on me, what shall it profit a man who gains the whole world but loses his soul? Yes, I think I know where the problem lies, I need some time with Him. For Lord, I know, this emptiness can only be dispersed by spending my time with you, and nothing else would satisfy, I am tired, a tiredness that cannot be dispersed by enough sleep or rest, but can only comes from You. I know not how, but You give me the boldness to take a holiday with You, Lord. Thank You Lord.

And dear ones, not to worry, I am fine, just a little hungry on the inside of me, and a little lonely though especially in a midst of the crowd, somehow sometimes we feel more lonely in a crowd of friends then when alone? Feel that way before? Yah, but I do miss a few friends out there, some we haven’t met for months, where are all my bible study friends? Wish to see more of you and have a wonderful lunch together, than any present you all are planning to buy for me. And if you all have been very busy for the past few months, hope you can spare to spend some time with our beloved Shepherd, for He misses you.

Holiday!

Just a few more days, and this blog would have entered it's first birthday, time really flies, how a year ago a crazy idea just came on me and I started this, as a mean to encourage myself to draw, and in fact, I had truly drawn, close to 80 number of illustrations have been published. The time spent drawing them was a time of reflection, enjoying the Shepherd, and a comfort to me, especially during those occasions when things did not seem to go very well. Now and then as I flipped through those illustrations, I could remember the stories behind them, and how many times the Lord has been ever so faithful. These illustrations have become my picture diary.

After two really hectic and almost crazy weeks, I took upon myself to make sure I had some good rest, with the double good news that the past week came with a public holiday on a Friday. Yet, I must be out of my normal mind that I actually signed up to help out with my church's game activity on a public holiday, a bit like the famous "Amazing Race" game show, but this one was based in Singapore and we were to travel by MRT. Instead of resting physically, I ended up with ache in my leg muscle. Despite of that, it was truly quite fun, getting to know more people (something I am always very shy in doing), and most of all, I felt almost like a kid again, away from the normal "hyper" serious work environment.

And for yesterday, I simply rest completely at home, watching TV, resting from the ache, do a bit of work and research, and end off the day having a family dinner at my brother's place, which I had not done for the past few weeks. The simple pleasure in life. And today being Mother's day, I had a simple dinner with my mom at a restaurant, though both of us were not very satisfied due to the long wait. Now as I look forward to the following week, I felt I have rested, all thank to my Shepherd, to face the week ahead, resting in His rest.

You too have a blessed week! Actually, I am a bit reluctant to publish today, as I felt like keeping today's illustration for another day, just in case I am too lazy to draw during "another day", yet then... This illustration is only suitable for today... And yes, I am looking forward for a wonderful day to have a simple rest away from the every day chore in life, just like the above illustration (which was inspired after watching the concert last Wednesday)... soon, very soon.

He Carries Me

A week of long working hours, from 9am to 1am, was finally over, and I felt despite of the apparent “hardship” of design, I thank my Shepherd for actually carrying me through it all. It was not exactly easy, a mixture of enjoyment, stress, under pressure, lack of sleep and confidence hit me throughout the week. The pressure was self-imposed, at times forgetting that I am just a little lamb whose task in life is just to follow the Shepherd, and all the while I was trying so hard on my own to build my dream, forgetting that Jesus is the only one who can fulfill a lifetime dream. Lord, only You, Lord.

When it was finally over last Wednesday, I was so tired, I felt I could almost sleep anywhere, yet I dragged myself to watch a concert that I have gotten the ticket earlier on, thinking that the likelihood of me sleeping through the concert was extremely high. The wonder of all wonders was, I came out of the concert, so refreshed, so awake (my Shepherd must have given me a super fast recharged), that I finished drawing 2 little lamb cartoons before I went off to bed on that same "awake" day (as it overshot into the next day technically speaking if based on proper calendar and time), and the above was just one of the two.

As I looked back, I wonder how I would ever have come through it all without Him. I wonder where did all the strength and energy came from to fulfill the insurmountable task? I wonder, but finally I cast it to Him to take charge, for unless He builds the house, I labour in vain, and yes, only Him alone I rest.

Just a short note today, thanks for all of you, dear ones, who have kept me in prayer during this time, and most of all thank You Lord, that You look beyond all my faults and short tempers, and continue to bless me and love me, for I have been made the righteousness of God through You, and You alone. Thank You.

In the Midst of the Storm

It’s been a busy week, working till past midnight for the past few days, not just myself but my assistants as well. Finally having a little time now, to do a bit of writing and blogging, I am able to pen down my struggles and thoughts for the past week.

The last week was not exactly easy, and I got to keep reminding myself that all tasks should be born out of rest. However, as the “dateline” draws closer, I felt my principle in life being constantly threatened (my vision of not going back to office to work during weekend), with my logical mind kept telling me how can I possibly finish my work without going back to office during the weekend? Even my assistant requested to go back to work on Saturday to finish it off, though I was really grateful to her suggestion, yet I insisted a strong “No”. Because deep within my heart, I knew, if I gave in to this principle of mine once, I will have no qualms of doing it again and again in future. You can say that I am stubborn (which my old friends used to say that of me) or in a better term, firm, yet I knew especially now, when I feel the pressure most, I must step back and let my dear Shepherd takes over, and enter into rest. All the more I should rest, and let all those working with me rest as well. For surely, my Lord shall provide a way out!

I also found myself bursting into short tempers towards my new assistant, for producing drawings that, to me, are not only unworkable and almost scary, and the result is me ended up not only correcting or rather “scolding” him, but I finished the drawings for him, as I gathered it would be much faster for me to do it myself than trying to explain to him again and again. And because of this, I felt really quite bad, even to the extent of feeling guilty for being angry and correcting him, after all, he is still quite new. I went into a state of self-condemnation, memories of the past flashed through my mind, reminding me how I disliked my first employer, who happened to be a female as well, and wanted so much to quit, and fearing that I might have become like her in some ways to my new assistant. Because it is often the female employer that is most scary. (I prayed to my Lord before that if in any case I become a boss or higher in position in future, never let me become like her, help me!)

Yet today, I am finally released from this self-condemnation, after hearing that my pastor corrects his staffs. Indeed, correction and rebuke is not exactly fun to go through, yet it would be wrong for not correcting when there is a mistake, therefore I shall stop condemning myself. For now, I pray that my Lord gives me wisdom to deal with my new assistant. Help! Let him find favour in my eyes. And let him works efficiently and not becomes my burden…. For he is supposed to be my assistant, my helper, and not my obstacle! Help!

And yes, over the struggle for an ideal design, we finally have a solution. Though at several points, I still felt perhaps we should have moved into another direction, yet I shall submit to my boss’s decision, after all, he is my boss. And while the design is set to be so, I shall commit it to the Lord, and pray that the design will find great favour with all, for I knew, unless the Lord builds the house, we labour in vain, and surely we need His divine intervention and great favour!

Finally, while in the midst of all these struggles, in the midst of the storm and overcast sky I am feeling, I knew that my Shepherd watches over me closely and surely His light is shining through the overcast sky on me, lighting up my path! My dearest Shepherd, thank you that you always watch over me jealously!

The Process of Waiting

Have you ever felt this way before? That a week has passed and that you felt as if nothing much has been done, this is how I felt for the past week. Not sure was it because of my work, or the hectic schedule, or the fact that I felt I have little time for myself... It felt that time flew too quickly, and what I set out to do for this week, suddenly seemed so unattainable, so huge as the week drew to an end. And work seemed to be turning in circles, what I mean is that, almost everyday I felt that I am starting from ground zero, as if the amount of work done on the previous day was all useless... This is the "painful" process of design, I presume.

Design, the process of finding an innovative solution, creative and yet functional, even to the extent of being meaningful, and at the same time generating or evoking an extraordinary experience for the users, for the designer per say, is not an easy task. How many try to innovate, to be unique, special? Yet, as one would examine further, one would suddenly recognise that in fact that somehow, somewhere, someone may have already thought of what you considered an unique solution. And even when someone, somewhere may not have come up with your unique solution, somehow nature itself may have already created something that is much more superior than your unique solution. I hope I didn't confuse you, guess you are now thinking that you are reading someone pretty baffled in her thoughts, and yes you are right.

It is precisely because of this, and an understanding of this truth several years ago in school, that I felt that, many times, the answer can be found in nature, ideas can be drawn from the very environment around us,the library of inspirations that God has left behind for His beloved creation. Yet how often we tend to forget this truth, browsing through works of great designers, almost to the extent of imitating them. I am not saying that this is wrong, yet there is a limitation to this method, and I have also often fallen into this trap of searching outside, looking towards man's wisdom for help, for inspiration, although deep within my heart, there are many occasions where I felt that the design isn't right yet, or the source of inspiration is not there, but simply because I felt I needed to do something, I started to look, to search.... yet forgetting the one most important thing, rest and wait, for within myself dwells my most Beloved.

Did I forget to ask Him? Yet when all this mental exercise is going on in my mind, I remembered I asked, I even remembered my dear friends asking on my behalf too. Yet why was the answer so late in coming? This is often the case... the process of waiting... Or did I actually wait? I pondered, I reflected, only remembering myself fluttering from one design to another, not taking time to be alone with Him after asking... perhaps that's why the answer can't get through my busy phone line...

Yes, indeed, I need to Stop and Rest in Him, for surely the answer will come, for He never fails, although it may seem late at times, in human terms. (Hope I remember what I have written here, and not rush off straight after this to try very hard on my own again..... Lord, help me even in this, teach me to labour into the much needed REST! Help!)

And yes, as a reminder to myself, I drew the above, as I needed to be reminded to rest in Him, because only in Him, can I truly be satisfied, and only in Him is where all my help and solution come from. I rest.

(Just a side note, thanks for all your encouragement and comments... my dream picture book will surely be born out of rest, not through my own puny self effort!)

My Favourite Theme

For most of my journals and illustrations, one can see a great part of them with the sheep or little lamb as the lead character, and subtle portrayal of its Shepherd with His backview, reflection or His hands.

This illustration above has come a long way. I was very moved by the sermon I heard on Easter Sunday, with my pastor explaining the Shepherd and the sheep relationship, a closeness that I treasure very much, in fact, more and more through the years. A relationship that I often would picture myself as, just a little lamb with my Shepherd, to me, that is the safest and best place to be in.

Yet, I had a bad attempt drawing the above a few weeks ago, initially it was meant to be a birthday gift illustration for a friend, but partly due to the fact that I did not have time, the idea was abandoned. However, since last Sunday, also having read in the bible the promise that no one is able to snatch the sheep out of the Shepherd's hand, I decided to redraw this idea properly. I started with a simple pencil sketch, and I attempted to colour it on Tuesday, yet was unable to finish it, until today. I supposed this is the longest length of time I took to draw the "little lamb" theme.

I used to think that I would soon run out of idea for this theme, but this theme itself is simply amazing, now that I am already in the 11th month since the beginning of this blog, I am still in the running of this. In fact, the theme may still run for another year or so? There are also a few dear friends who often visit this blog, suggesting that I can even use the lamb illustrations for products, and even hold a solo exhibition with them! (How amazing and big their ideas are to me! But why not? I am supposed to think big for my Shepherd is more than able to meet all my dreams!) Above all, my greatest "little" dream is perhaps one day all these illustrations can be compiled into a book, and as one picks up the book, it will put a smile on one's face or brighten up one's day. Just a little dream, food for thought. Any sponsor?

And meanwhile, I am still in the running, celebrating the 1st anniversary for the "Sheepish Day Dream" in the month of May. Any suggestion as to how to change the look? Anyone? And pals, thanks for always dropping by as and when you are free, leaving a few short comments here and there, they do mean a lot! I like to read comments, hint hint... Have a blessed week ahead! You are in the Shepherd's hand!

Dreams

Wondering why but for the past few days I have been dreaming quite a bit, perhaps it is because I slept more for the past week (8 hours sleep) or maybe I was too tired in the past to ever remember my dreams upon waking up.

I mentioned previously that I dreamt of visiting the Niagaras Falls in my previous journal? Last night, or rather this morning, I dreamt I was in a car, not sure who was I with, but we passed by a beautiful sunset with the reflection of the sun, the orangey sky reflected on the still water, with some fog and little empty boats. I remembered myself exclaiming “wow so beautiful!” And then we passed by the next scene, another beautiful view, though I could not recall what it was this time. So this explains why the above sketch, a very serene quiet image that I saw in my dream last night, which stayed on my mind till today. This is perhaps the best way I know how to capture my dream into reality.

Yet, in life itself, from young, I was and still am a dreamer, in real awoken life, not just in my sleep. As a kid, I loved to let my mind wander off, dreaming, while staring at the sky, be it a cloudy day or at night. When I looked at the fluffy clouds, almost without fail, I could see images of familiar objects or animals in them. And when at night, while staring into the dark, starry sky, I would then start wondering is there someone out there looking at me from those stars, and pondered on very deep topics like why was I created? What is the purpose for living? Is that all to life? What is life after now? Young as I was then, perhaps less than 10 years of age, I dreamt and pondered a lot. Partly because I was the youngest in the family, with my youngest older brother 11 years older, and I don’t have many playmates when at home except my neighbours who were also schooling.

Besides all these serious almost scary questions that I pondered on, being spoilt with lots of toys by my father, I loved to dream. I talked to my toys, making them talk to one another, built imaginary houses with Lego, and majong tiles, with books, and even drew my multi-storey apartment with openable doors and windows, and little paper rabbits and other animals which lived in the apartment, and played the toys I made with my friends.

However, as I grew up, somehow, I seemed to dismiss dreams, thinking that dreams are just dreams, though I still dream a lot. Yet as I looked back those years in the past, many of my dreams have come to pass. Those “scary” questions I no longer ponder on, because I have found the answer. And those toys I made, they seem to have become reality in my working life. As for dreams for my family to come to know the reason for living, they too have come to know the purpose.

On this special day, I remembered the dearest Dreamer in the whole Universe, He dreamt of a family, a huge family that He can pour His love on. He went on to create what He dreamt, and that process was not easy, as His creations could not understand His unconditional love and they were fearful and even hateful towards Him, moving towards the direction of self destruction. Yet despite of it all, He loves them till the end, beyond our puny human comprehension and on this special day, 2000 years ago, He died to block the way to their self-destruction and directed them with His death to His home. He is the true Master Dreamer, and He never gave up His dream to see us saved and resting in His arms, and now His dream has become reality! So do you, do not give up your dreams! Blessed Good Friday!

Papa God Is Into Details

I have moved into my own flat for slightly more than half a year. It is in a pretty old estate, and the flat is about 21 years old, old enough to gain full adulthood. The outside of the flat (façade) is old looking, with pretty bad selection of paint colours. (I still ponder many times on why the recent upgrading or repainting of old estates takes on such “scary” colour schemes. Sometimes, it is most beautiful and classic to just leave it simple, in one or two, at most three colours, preferably white. It simply makes the whole building looks new and almost modern, timeless.) But I still like old estates, for their convenience and all the amenities, and also for the seemingly larger, spacious unit, I like my own flat very much.

Remembered my previous mention of my neighbour’cat urinating at the public staircase? Or had I mentioned about the constant ponding of water at the landing of the public staircase going to my flat? There are several times I wanted to complain about the above two matters, either writing to town council, HDB or give them a call, hoping they will either ban my neighbour for having a pet or force them to allow their cat to use their own toilet rather than sharing our staircase for that purpose! I am just short of putting a fish with poison at my door step….

As for the ponding of water, I dislike having to jump over the puddle of water, and occasionally having the water getting into my open toes shoes. And at times, I also felt bad about my mom and other senior residents having to face such dangerous staircases. Yet much as I wish to do something about it since the day I moved in, perhaps I was busy, or perhaps I had started to get used to it, that as the days go by, it slowly slipped my mind, lost its priority, with many other more demanding issues fighting for my attention.

Yet my dearest Papa God never fails to amaze me. Just a month ago, when I discovered that my estate is due for repainting, I was delighted, thanking Him for seeing to my little desire. And true enough, the proposed colour scheme for my block is really much better than the previous. (There are many occasions it ended up worse.) And just a few days ago, I was pondering on the water ponding issue at the staircase, as I was waiting for my lift at the lift lobby, on my way to work, I was thinking to myself, why am I trying so hard? Why not just leave it with my Shepherd, and for that brief second, I cast it to the Lord and ask Him for help for the first time for this little issue.

I believed you would not be surprised by what I am going to write next. True enough, just a couple of days ago, there are workers coming to every floor of my block, creating textures on the staircases and corridors, preparing for re-screeding of all the public spaces! I was touched, not so much by the event, but by the faithfulness of my Papa God, in seeing to the little desires of my heart, taking care of even such small incidents as this. Isn’t He the busiest Being in this universe? And yet He always has time for me. If it matters to me, it is not insignificant to Him, it also matters much to Him, as I slowly figure out.

It reminds me of the snow flakes, how every single one of them is different and yet perfectly patterned and sculpted, for the pleasure of His priced possession, us, to enjoy. It reminds me of the beautiful flowers He has created, for His beloved ones to smell, find rest and admire.

Yes, I am still waiting for the miracle to the cat incident, yet perhaps while waiting for it to happen, I am becoming more patient. But you know what? All these tiny episodes in life really make me ponder in wonder, awe, and in love, how much I must have meant to Him! It also creates a little “fear” and stir in my life these days, “fearing” that I forgot to let Him take charge, even down to the smallest details. For nothing seems to prosper through my puny effort, yet when I put them into His hands, I am always assured that they are well taken care of. Lord, always remind me not to take things into my own hands…. Only You Lord! And you too, cast all that trouble you into His hands, they are never too small, and He sure has more than enough time for you!

Sidetrack: I had a most interesting dream a few days ago. I dreamt that I was at Niagaras Falls, in Canada. This as a holiday place was never my agenda, yet come to think of it, the dream was so real, so beautiful, that I even saw the rainbow in the midst. I am longing for my sabbatical leave, and I can feel it drawing closer…. Thank you my Shepherd!

The Purpose Of Life

Alone on a weekend with our domestic helper at home, writing my blog now, before I embark on the journey in my dream land (zzzzz…). A strange Saturday indeed, having to attend a meeting in the late afternoon, therefore it felt as if my time for today had been fragmented into 2 portions, before and after meeting. (I don’t normally have to work on weekends, much less having to attend meeting, this happened once in a moon blue.) As a result, I missed out 2 important celebrations, one is a friend’s baby’s full month (what do you call that?), and another is my brother’s birthday (tomorrow is his actual day, but we normally celebrate as a family on a Saturday).

I have been thinking a bit again recently, perhaps due to sudden extension of several “datelines” at work, I did not have to stay too late in office for the past week. (Somehow, I noticed that “datelines” tend to crash together, they always seem to fall within the same period, attempting to compete with one another for my attention at the same time.) I have been having a little bit more time to sleep (finally 8 hours a day), time for half an hour of TV and some chatting with my mom. Perhaps I have almost reached the threshold of my strength, after working for about 6 years, designing at a pace like never before. I have never designed so much with all my university years added together, with an average of about 8 to 10 designs or more in a year now perhaps? Such a frantic pace, when ideas seem no longer refreshing at times, but mere effort of trying to pass it off hopefully. That is why I am looking forward for a long break soon, as the feeling of “all is vanity” gets stronger every passing day in me. (Don’t misunderstand, I still enjoy designing, but I want to design from a God-given inner reservoir, not with my puny, insignificant creativity or self effort.)

Pondering on “all is vanity”. Have you ever asked yourself this question? Why am I born into this world? There must be a purpose for living? And as you look at what you are doing everyday, you begin to ask, is that all to life itself? I bet you must have, all must have at one point or another asked the above, and sure enough, I did. That was why finally the One who gives me purpose for living comes into my life, gives me a hope and a reason to live. I was suddenly reminded of this truth again yesterday, as I sang through the lyrics “I was made to praise You…I was made to love You…I was made to worship at Your feet”. I love the simplicity of this truth, the simple fact for my life, not for anything else, not for achievement, not for fame, not for money, although the above are good to have, but most of all, and if nothing at all, is to know and behold my Shepherd. The simple fact of life, the simple joy in life. Thank God for putting me back into the right perspective. For a moment, I almost forgot about this. Hope you too are reminded as well, after all, many of us are so caught up with the demands in life!

You must be wondering what has the above illustration got to do with what I am writing today. You are right, yet this mental image has been on my mind for the past few weeks, partly due to work, and I thought I might as well draw it out. (I showed my mom the painting, and she commented that it looks like a pair of hands holding a piece of chocolate! Hope you don’t think the same. Sob…) In life, we are bound to meet stormy weather and circumstances, such as Noah in the ark, yet I know for sure that there is a pair of living, invisible, yet most powerful hands protecting the ark and watching over it. So fear not, you are not alone, Someone who loves you dearly is watching over you relentlessly. Cheers! (And thanks again for reading my fragmented thoughts today!)

Happy Times

Surprise, surprise, surprise to see a posting on Tuesday? Yes, indeed, for today is a dear friend’s birthday, and despite of my “tiredness” and the need to sacrifice my TV time, I wish to drop a few lines here, “BLESSED BIRTHDAY!”

Really glad to be able to celebrate your birthday with you this year in Singapore, although still over the internet as of now, yet to be able to pass you your present personally, and to sing you the birthday song, is kind of different after so many years, instead of giving you your present either 3 months ahead of time, or sent it via friends or your mom.

It was really quite a simple, yet fun time we all had last Saturday, singing karaoke, (although you didn’t sing any, being too shy to sing, one day, you will, one day….), pure simple fun. And also the nice simple dinner, we all had, thanks, for being there, I was a bit afraid that you would be too shy to come, but as you can see, those friends are really great fun to be with! I always enjoy their presence, a simple meal, some wonderful times of sharing and joking sessions, just somehow brightened up the day. Glad to have them in my life, and you too, are a blessing from Him above to me! Thanks, pal, for always being there (in the spirit?) even though you are miles apart. Somehow, it is always easy to talk to you, though, forgive me, there are still many things that are not able to be shared openly between us, for an introvert like me, except with our Shepherd. (You too, right?)

And yes, hope you do not mind the colourless sketch, as what do you expect from someone who had just reached home at about half past nine from work? This is the fastest cute sketch I can manage to post by 12 midnight. Hope you still like the sketch. Meanwhile, do take this year to rest and recharge, and most of all, have a great time of refreshing, with our Shepherd, for time as such can last for a long while, and it is worth it all! So again, “BLESSED BIRTHDAY!”

The best place to be

It's another busy week, and I am glad that the weekend is here! After 3 to 4 weeks of long working hours, it's time for a short break this week, yet all seemed to pay off really well, all thank to Papa God, the presentation went very smoothly and well received. While my attention moves on to the next urgent matter on the list, I am like a fireman, putting out one fire after another, I was having a little apprehension, a little concern at the back of my mind, as my dear friend cum working partner who does all my perspectives for me is going away for 2 months, leaving me to search for new perspectivist. As I was almost at a lost of what to do next, suddenly it dawned upon me that I should have asked the Lord for help. And you know what, on that very same day, I "met" my dear friend online, thinking that she was already away, and I chanced upon the fact that she postponed her trip for 2 months, and therefore she is able to help me with this urgent project before she goes. I was hilarious, overflowing with great joy and laughter on that day!

This is a precious lesson learnt, that I suddenly remembered in life, we tend to take things into our own hands, trying to solve them ourselves, and finally when we have run out of ideas, strength, or at a lost, we then would turn the matters unto our dearest Shepherd. May the time to reach this step, this awareness be shortened as we grow, which could save us a lot of trouble and wasted energy. Yet, I am delighted that His help is never late even with our vile human effort in the way.

The long hours at work for the past few weeks forced me to have very precious time of rest on my way home on the train, either in the form of a little nap, read a book or listen to a few beautiful heart warming songs. A song that always puts a smile on my face "I'll be with you" by Tension, suddenly painted a very cute picture on my mind one day as I was listening to it. This is a mid fast song, with a rap in between. As I was meditating on the lyrics, (though not a gospel song, it really sounds almost like a praise and worship song to me), an image of my Shepherd singing a rap and dancing in a rap manner appears in my imagination! Why not? He, the most creative Being in this universe, can definitely sing and dance, more than we could ever think or imagine. (If you think I am rude in my imagination, do excuse me.) I do believe my Shepherd is really much more fun than what we all can imagine Him to be!

In fact, I wanted to draw the little lamb dancing with the Shepherd, but the illustration didn't turn out as what I imagine in my mind, as beautiful, therefore it was replaced with the above, another image I saw while walking home today, a father carrying a tired child in his arms. (I hope to post it on board one day when I have beautified the dancing drawing.) Yet for now, be contented with the above, a little happy lamb being carried by the Shepherd, the best place to be in. Indeed, in the midst of all the hurly burly, I am really thankful for the little break, for me to smell the flowers, here and there, and yes, despite of it all, I am very happy and blessed, though a little tired..... zzzzz.....

A Much Needed Rest

I have not been very consistent in writing my blog for the past 3 weeks or so, mainly due to work. When was the last time I reached home before 9pm on a weekday? As far as I could remember, I must have worked to about 10pm almost every night, with many things to clear, problems to solve, and new designs to think, some are really fun but some are really "drags". Yet so many things have happened over the week, and I have very little time to reflect on them, except the very precious time I have on my way to work and home on the train. This is my treasured time of solitude, as I cherish and enjoy every moment of it, most of the time. Yet I think I may have unconsciously offended some colleagues, as they seem wanting to strike a conversation with me when they met me on our way walk to office, but i just simply smiled and asked them to move on without me. Because this time is too precious for me to share with anyone else, except with the Lord. This little time I have, gives me strength for all the challenges I will face for the rest of the day.

Yet, despite of all this intermittent rest, I think I will soon retreat to take a much needed rest, a wonderful, body restoring, mental renewing, spiritual uplifting rest, especially now that I have entered into my sixth year of working life, I felt I would want to take a small step of faith by the end of this sixth year, as I step into the seventh year in September/October this year, to take a break, what people called sabatical break. I think maybe only pastors practise this, but why not us as well? I am not asking for a full year break but just a couple of months, about 2 to 3 months, and I believe that my Papa God will provide for all my needs, as I take His principle of rest literally, for His principle always work. The eagle needs to take time to renew its feathers, its youth, so that it can soar higher and further. This is my dream for this year.

Just a sidetrack, I have finally gotten my laptop last weekend after I have talked about it for almost half a year in my blog, and you will be surprised to know that, I have barely touched it for more than 2 hours since I bought it. To be honest, I am a desktop person, and I hardly am well versed in laptop, perhaps touching one only at presentation, even with the help of other colleagues to set it up for me, although many friends thought that I am an IT savvy person. Do pardon my ignorance, I did not know that a laptop could be so hot when operating, that I immediately called up my niece to verify since she has just gotten hers 2 months earlier. It was so hot I believe it could boil an egg. Yet, I am not afraid, because I have gotten a 3 year warranty free for the package, all thank to Papa God!

Another small piece of good news is the estate that I am staying is now having repainting works, which to me is great. It seems to me that finally the exterior of the flat that I am staying is lining with the interior of my flat. My flat is almost like new, until you step out of my door. Yet one month down the road, everything will look almost brand new, thank You Papa God, for the apt timing.

Thanks for listening to all my tiny fragments of thought here and there, not much related to one another, but just simple updates of what's going on in my natural life. Despite of the tiredness I feel right now, mainly due to work, I am still very happy and blessed, for He has given me a hope to live every day of my life to the fullest, and He does not disappoint. Cheers!

A Simple Story

Not sure if you remembered that I was reading a book called “Grace Awakening” by Charles R. Swindoll previously. I had finished it more than a month ago, yet there are several pages in the book that I left a folded little corner, that when time is appropriate I hope I can write about it. The book has left a deep impression on me, of great value that I believe I would always find it useful now and in future.

There is this little story I read in the book. A prominent artist went to his daughter’s house for tea. His little granddaughter misbehaved and was made to stand in a corner with her face facing the wall. The grandfather did not interfere with her discipline, but the next day, he arrived with his painting equipment, and painted a kitten chasing its tail, lambs in the field, goldfish swimming on the wall. This was in case she was punished again in future, she would have something to look at. This is just a very weak demonstration of our Papa God’s gracious nature, He may discipline us, but He never turns His back on us, and He certainly has something beautiful in store for us, even when times seem difficult, because of our own doings, He will still cause everything to be beautiful.

This reminded me of another very small account that happened today, and may still happen time and again in future. I had a little homework to do today, that is, to visit a few showflats to do some research for my work, and my good friend had kindly accompanied me and offered me lifts to all the destinations I had planned. In the midst of the visit, perhaps there was a tiny almost unnoticeable disagreement, about our individual viewpoints towards design, etc. (We had very scholarly discussion when together most of the time….) Perhaps a very, very short moment of unease was felt. Today, while I picked up the same book I quoted the story above, I flipped through the folded pages, I noted another area that moved me tremendously the last time I read it, “even the godly will sometimes disagree….I soon discovered that there were not only various opinions on the same subject, but that God has the audacity to bless those who disagreed with me….God reserves the right to use people who disagree with me”, but the most significant passage was “God is not nearly so narrow as many of His people are. I find that God is much easier to live with than most of His followers…far more tolerant, certainly full of more grace and forgiveness than all of us are.” And suddenly I was reminded again, in many disagreements each side is also valid, and let us agreed to disagreed.

I learnt a lot through the years. I used to be so stubborn, unwilling to hear the other side of the story, insisting on the fact that I must always be right, though I may still be right, the other party may not be wrong either. I could still remember those days when my friends try to show me the beautiful redemptive work of Christ to me, and how I would argue with them, even to the extent of challenging them with extreme difficult questions, holding on to the fact that I knew and read the bible before, to find questionable stories and events to “laugh” and even question them. Yet who is to believe that several years down the road, I would be standing in their situation facing people of the same sort as I am.

In fact, today, I sort of stumble as to what to write, wanting to actually write my views on the different approach to design (I would still discuss this very dry topic one day in future, as it is getting more and more interesting as I discovered in the bible how Papa God approaches design). But now, I ended up almost writing a book review, sharing some precious values that I hold dearly in my heart these days, and yes, when I meet people I may disagree at work etc, I know that at the end of the day, we are still friends, work is just work, and yes, I am still not there yet, but I know I am in His hand, imitating my Shepherd, indeed He is more gracious and forgiving than most of His followers!

Simple Weekend

I am not ashamed to say, I am into gadgets, almost a fanatic, and I actually enjoy reading reviews of new IT gadgets. The above is one of my toys I bought more than a year ago, just only 6 months after I bought my first digital camera. And yes this camera has been faithful to me, serving me for my job's need, running to several places overseas with me. But most of all, it has captured many of my most unforgettable moments for the last year, especially times I spent with my family, such as Christmas, Chinese New Year, my mom's birthday, or for no special occasion but to just capture those special moments of delights we all had together as a family. I am the photographer for my family.

It's finally Saturday today, a day I had been looking forward to. I was pretty caught up with work for the past week and I finally have a little time now to indulge in this small luxury of penning my thoughts. I love simple weekend like today. I took a little time in the morning to oversleep till about 10am, before I reluctantly dragged myself up, after seeing carpets in my dream just before I awoke. I must have been so caught up with presenting the selection of carpets to my client the day before that I had such dream, this is the "ills" of my profession.

In the late morning, I spent some precious time with my sister, shopping at the nearby shopping centre after we had our favourite breakfast at Ah Kun Toast. And then I spent 2 to 3 hours in the afternoon reading comics, finishing 2 books! As time drew nearer to the late afternoon, all my brothers and sister-in-laws, most nieces and nephews, except for one, came and we all had a nice simple dinner together.

Now, I am finally all alone at home, while all of them have either gone home or went to my brother's place for a time of some games together. I love tranquil moment like now, time of solitude, spending some time alone, and yet not alone, but with my Lord, counting my blessings. I am truly blessed. This life of simplicity I treasured. I love the time together with my family, I love the time being alone. I enjoy my life.

Often, several times a week, I would look around my little flat and I begin to thank the Lord for this little abode I live in. I thank Him for my family, so full of unselfish love for one another. I thank Him for a wonderful place of worship where I am reminded of His love for me every week. I thank Him for friends that surround me in time of joy and laughter, and in time of needs. I thank Him for a job that I enjoy doing (most of the time). I thank Him for life, for the ability to see, hear, feel, touch and taste. But most of all, I thank Him for giving me hope to live, a promise of a wonderful future, an eternity to be spent together with Him. I am thankful, I am glad. And yes, I have captured many of these unspeakable joyous moments into little images with my camera, to remind myself time and again, that indeed I am blessed, I am truly fortunate to be loved by Him.

More than Winners

Another weekend has come and gone, and what awaits me is a brand new day in a couple of minutes away. Perhaps by the time this journal is posted, it is already the brand new day. Truly it was a busy week, and what is before me is yet another busy week with several “datelines”, and I am really grateful to Papa God, He has kept true to me, to my resolution on 19022006.

Yet for the last week, it has not been an easy week for a few of my dear ones, and after watching tonight’s Superhost on Channel U, for the contestants as well, I supposed. That is why I have posted the above image, that we little lambs of the Lord, are the most fortunate, we can always take refuge in His presence, for He stands before every wave and trouble that comes before us. (The above image was inspired by a song during worship.)

In life, we face challenges, and there are occasions, I can’t say that it is many, but it does happen, at that precise moment when unfortunate circumstances happen, such as injustice seems to triumph, that we feel adamant towards it, and yet not able to do anything about it, we feel extremely frustrated, as if we want to take matter into our own hands, almost to the extent of taking revenge.

I just witnessed such an incident a while ago. My mom and I were just having a good time watching the Superhost. We noted one talented competitor, and undoubtedly, he scored the highest and won the praise of one of the judges. We were almost so sure that he was to win the competition, when at the last moment of announcing the winner, an unexpected competitor turned out to be the champion, not that she put in an exceptional performance, but she won in the general voting by the viewers. It was really sad to watch, and we could not bring ourselves to rejoice with the winner. We felt great injustice actually performed right in front of us. This was perhaps one of those really rare occasion that I saw my mom being “angry” and frustrated with the show, that she said if she knew anyone from the papers, she would definitely complain, and she was trying to instigate me to write an email to complain about the final result. (And I guess this is the best I can do, to post her frustration on my blog.) It was sad, nothing to rejoice, but a heart that regretted having watched such a dumb show, as if we were cheated of our precious time, watching an episode of injustice performed on stage.

That brought me to another episode that my dear friend is facing. She must have felt extremely sad and disappointed, angry and frustrated even, for being accused of things that she has never done, and there seems to be no one upholding justice for her. I felt angry and frustrated too. Friend, cheer up, I know without a shadow of doubt that all things will always work together for good for we are His beloved! And vengeance belongs to the Lord! Just put our trust in Him, man! Surely, I believe with all my heart, that when one door is closed, it is closed for our good, and another door will definitely be opened for us. Be assured, He stands before all our troubles! And my nieces, don’t be afraid, you have stepped out in faith on new journeys in lives, entering into new phases of life that you have never really experienced before, yet I know with all my heart, He is there with you, as you step into the “unknown”, He will reveal His faithfulness to you, even when we are faithless, He remains faithful.

A while ago, I also had a chat with my niece over MSN, and that is when she reminded me that, for so many of those past competitions such as Singapore idols, etc, it is almost always the runner up that is better, and finally outshine the winner later on in life. And yes, after reflecting on that, that is so true, the runner up may end up being the real winner finally, at the end of the day, several years down the road. So nothing is final yet, we are still in the race, and no one knows who is the final winner, only Him, for He is the one who writes our stories, and truly, He makes us more than conquerors! Jia You!

(Sorry, this journal sounds a bit preachy, friends, forgive me! I just hope to encourage a few of my dear ones!)

TV Addict?

Suddenly, I have this funny image in my mind today, seeing a lamb forming part of a TV, seems very much like a self-portrait cum self-ridiculed. (Hope you take delight in the cartoon above and cheer up your day!) I am a TV addict, since a kid, though now the situation is getting better. It has improved simply because I am busier these days. In the past, I could simply just throw down everything, and rush home just to catch a show. But with the advancement of technology and the invention of dvd players, etc, now I can watch almost any show at my own pace (usually even faster than cableTV, I could even be 1 or 2 years ahead of time in terms of dramas I watched).

Why the sudden mention of this? I love to watch Korean dramas, but only those with great wonderful happy endings. (I don't usually know or read the synopsis, but I have a friend who is even faster than me, and she usually give me a hint of the endings.) And in fact, I have been wanting to explain why I like Korean dramas the most, as compared to Japanese, English, Taiwanese and even Hongkongers' dramas.

Most, sad to say, not all, Korean dramas are very family oriented, though the main themes of the story could be love or friendship. It exalts simple yet powerful values such as filial piety, friendship, faithfulness, perseverance, love, which used to be common themes in most Chinese dramas in the past. Yet, nothing beats a light hearted, hilarious drama that made you laugh till you cry!

I have watched countless number, and perhaps the most impactful, most lasting one would be the show "Fullhouse"! It was hilarious, and there was hardly any moment that allows boredom to crept in. As far as I could remember, I may have watched it 3 or 5 times, and I still enjoyed it.

Still, why the sudden mention of dramas? This is a pretty busy week for me, yet having make the resolution in the last journal, I am determined by His grace to keep to it. As a form of allowing my mind to rest, other than reading, is to watch a really cool, funny drama, and that was what I did for the past 2 weeks, after a long day at work. I had just finished the drama (Super Rookie), not that it is as good as "Fullhouse", but it is still a very good drama, the simplicity of the hero in the drama, someone always being regarded as an underdog, someone who does not seem to amount to anything due to his lack of qualification etc etc. Yet at every difficulties, he was able to come through the fire, with no smell of smoke, and yet at the same time, able to save and forgive those who hurt him in the process of the office rat race, climbing all over him. He became the most unlikely hero! The whole show put together 2 totally different personalities, one who is smart, intelligent, trying with all his might, by hook or by crook, trying his best to climb the corporate ladder, while the hero, simply by being himself, sincere, though not smart, almost by grace, won and overcome every obstacle that came across his path! I enjoyed the show, the childlikeness of the hero, perhaps, just as much as I love the show "Forrest Gump".

Yes, indeed, I am learning, to become a child again. Did I ever mention to you that I learn a lot and receive great revelations about life and most of all, about my Shepherd, from the dramas I watched?

19022006

Something has been on my mind for a long time, perhaps for years even, and only a few days ago, I have finally determined to set a "resolution" this year, 2006 as the year to experiment what I thought I always believed. In fact, today, I marked this special date on my blog calendar in a form of an illustration to remind myself of what I have decided. (I never liked to set resolution but this will be an exception, as the only one who can keep it would have to be my Shepherd.)

For the longest time, I have noted a pattern in my life, and it seems to prove true for others as well, as I examined others' lives too. I must have related my own little story of how I struggled in school in the university, not able to meet my own expectation of myself, and how I struggled at designing, it seemed that the harder I tried, the further away I was from success, the more I struggled, the harder it seemed.

Yet through the years, I also noticed that there are many times when I have finally given up, or when I am in an extreme relaxed posture, that all of a sudden, designing becomes effortless, a joy, even as a surprise that I found myself in, thrilled by what has been produced in the process, and that the design is accomplished within a very very short time, so little is the time spent as compared to the amount of effort and time used when struggling. This happens several times in school in the latter years and also when I finally started working. And every now and then, I am always waiting for that sudden moment, when I feel as if something has dropped into my heart, a sudden spur of creativity and inspiration that comes from somewhere within my heart, and yet deep down within me, I knew it is from above. However, there are also many times, where that did not happen and I stayed in a state of struggle.

I am not sure if you can understand what I mean, but perhaps it is more commonly felt by those who are in fields such as music, art, film or literature. However, I felt that no matter which occupation you may be in, you should be able to understand what I am trying to explain, for most people should have experienced something of this sort in their lives.

Recently, I also visited a couple-artists/friends' place, when they showed us their art works. And I noted that deep within the conversations while they are trying to explain to us the works, there was a sense of great joy. Yet in the midst of it, I caught something, I noted that the artist mentioned he was very happy painting this series of works, as it was such a flow. That was the key word, such a flow!

I know what I was looking for, a flow, a simple, smooth and yet powerful flow, when designing, and when that design is out, you know that you know that "this is it!". It does not seem to come always, but it does come. And it only happens when I am in the most relaxed mood, most joyous and peaceful moment. Not to say that design does not come when one is not relaxed or not joyous, one can still design but there is a sense of emptiness in the design, a feeling that something better than this one can be sought after still.

Therefore, what did I determine after such a long essay? I shall not elaborate too much as it is pretty personal, between the Lord and I, but I can reveal this a little, only for the area of my work, I determine from 19022006, (or 20022006 when I actually go back to office tomorrow), from this day forth for this year, I take it as an experiment, that whenever I am in a struggle to trying to produce a design, I shall stop totally, draw back into the Lord a little, to find rest, to find back that peace that is always residing on the inside of me, no more fretting and no more worries, in other words, don't waste time! What do I mean by this? It means "don't bother to design anything or try as hard as possible to design, when I am in a fearful mood or when I am worried!" "Datelines" shall not be my guide anymore, but the peace within, and I hope by the end of this year, I can write a good report of this experiment, and what it has done to my life. No more fret! Unless the Lord builds the house, we labour in vain! If you don't mind, why not join me in this experiment as well for this year! He will surely prove Himself faithful as we all determined not to be troubled!

My Baggy Business Continued...Final Episode

I am on medical leave today, just a little redness in the eye since yesterday. (Actually I am so well and healthy, able to walk and run, I can even go shopping if not for the fact that I would be abusing my medical leave which was meant for resting, I just didn’t feel like working in a dry air-conditioned office staring into the computer for 8.5 hours, anyway, I hope my boss would not happen to read this, but then, shopping to me is a form of resting too!) Come to think of it, for several occasions for the past 3 years, when I was on medical leave, I still dragged my feet to work due to all the “datelines”, thus I thought might as well give myself a break today since I am officially given a day off by my doctor.

Despite of the slight discomfort, I am extremely thrilled and happy since yesterday, remember my journal “my baggy business”? I didn’t like to end that episode without giving any idea as to what happen to my dream bag, so here it is, my humble attempt. From then till yesterday, I came across another bag which was much to my liking, but as my habit is, I would let it stay for a few days, and if I still like it, I would then go and buy. This is another of such a bag, as the price is again beyond $40 even after a rather huge discount, so need careful thinking, to consider whether the bag is of more value than my parting with my money. Anyway, it stayed on my mind, and I went to get it, and much to my dismay, it was gone again! Finally, after gathering enough courage, I asked the sale assistant if I could get it anywhere else, as this was terrible to have such similar happenings occurring to me twice within 1 month!

The sale assistant was really helpful, checking out with the main office, explaining to me that they have taken that design back to the warehouse, and it would be available in the following week at one of the branch only. With a little disappointment in my heart, I ventured to ask, then the “SALE” will be over by then, and she affirmed me that there might be a better deal then, however, she sort of instructed me to go to that branch preferably on Monday. And that was what I did yesterday, even when my site meeting ended really late, I still went to take a look. And you know what? Papa God answered me way beyond my wildest imagination, even in such a small, insignificant situation as to a bag! All the bags at that branch, regardless of size, shape and colors, were selling at $15 each! That brand of bags was never so cheap before, even when it was still not that well known a few years ago as compared to now! I was overwhelmed, touched, beyond words of what the Lord had done for me. I could have gotten 3 bags with the same price I had to pay a few days ago! So I shared the unspeakable joy with all my nieces, sister and mom, buying a total of 5 bags and 2 blouses in the end, all for less than $100.

And you know what? Now, whenever I look at that bag, I am reminded again of how man’s disappointment can turn out to be God’s appointment, and how all things will always work together for good for those whom He loves! (I am no longer mad about that bag I like in the previous episode, so I am glad I didn’t get it.) And this new bag I have gotten will always be a reminder of His love, of how much my Lord, my Shepherd loves me, and that He is my Shepherd, I shall not want (which means I shall not suffer lack or be in want). Thank You, my dearest Lord and Shepherd, You answer way beyond all I could ever imagine or think! And yes, Blessed Valentine’s Day! The greatest Lover, my Lord!

Reunions

As a family, we always celebrate my mom's birthday based on the Chinese lunar calender, as her birthday falls on the 15th day of Chinese New Year, making it an extraordinary occasion to celebrate. We have a wonderful family reunion dinner today (brought forward a day as Saturday is much preferred than Sunday for all family members). Making up of an extended family of 18 persons (plus 2 more if we would include all our domestic helpers), we require 2 tables. Not a fanciful expensive dinner, just a simple meal at the "zhi2 cha4" stall (those stall that sell dishes such as hor fun and seafood, etc) near our place. Definitely it wasn't the food that matters the most, but the wonderful time of bonding we all experienced in the process. My mom is very thrifty and not very particular about food, therefore where we eat, or the ambience of the place whatsoever, does not really matter much to her, but what matters most to her is that she enjoys the presence of her family, get to see her children and grandchildren coming together, having dinner with her, for I know my mom, the traditional Chinese woman, where family matters more than anything to her, even more than her own life, I believe.

I also had a wonderful time of catching up with some old friends whom I knew for 13 years, university classmates cum church pals, today as well. Just a simple cosy lunch, lots of catching up and chatting, encouraging one another, and plenty of jokes to share. When was the last time? I could not remember and I felt a bit nostalgic, and yes, I am looking forward to the next catching up/encouraging session. Friends, we should meet up often, don't you think so? At least twice a year, and please consider my proposal, our superband competition and holiday together next year!

Come to think of it, I have another session of catching up tomorrow at an artist-cum-church friends' place, to take a look at their new art works, not that we are the "arty" type of persons or has a taste to appreciate art, I felt that we are just finding every occasion to catch up with one another, to have a good time fellowshipping, and yes, I am really looking forward to it.

Another one came to my mind suddenly, I think I have another such session next Saturday, meeting friends from secondary school, friends I knew for close to 20 years. Amazing, how time flies! My old secondary school friends, are you all keen to join us next Saturday?

In fact, since end of last year, I just had this warm feeling that this year would be a year for me to catch up with many old friends, friends that once matter a lot to me in my life, friends that had and are still playing a great part in my life, be it in the form of encouragement, love, fun, and through troubled times. And yes, how those beautiful faces of my friends brought back such keen wonderful, lovely memories of the past, thanks pals, for being there in my lives, you all are great! You all are wonderful, lovely presents, wrapped in different packaging by the Lord for me, and yes, forgive me for being pretty busy for the past few years, yet you all will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you, Thank God for you. Let's meet up more often, not for anything else, but to find comfort and encouragement in one another, reminding one another how much we are loved by the Lord! And yes dear friends, have a blessed week ahead! And thanks for dropping by! Some things are better expressed in written words rather than spoken words, such as now, for I am a bit shy (whether you believe it or not).

My dad

The celebration of Chinese New Year has slowly quieted down, life is almost back to normal, with a little lethargic added, after all the festive goodies and lazing around at home, wanting to do nothing, absolutely nothing. Almost every year about this time, we would visit a Christian columbarium, where my dad’s ashes are placed. Not that he is there, but just part of our Chinese culture, perhaps, though we know that he is now in heaven with the Lord, we would still bring some fresh flowers there, to pay respect.

This is not going to be a short journal; I can foresee it, as this is no easy, simple task to write. I have wanted to write my dad’s story for the longest while, though I have limited knowledge of it, plus many memories that were not appropriate to mention. I had a good time of chatting with my mom yesterday morning, getting as much information as I can from her.

My dad, the eldest of 10 children, did not have the easiest of time in life. After finishing primary school education, wanting to move on for further studies, he was forced to start working and help support his huge family. Yet, he had a strong desire for learning, and he continued to pursue his studies in night classes while working in the day. As far as I could remember, even when he was pretty old, he was always either reading newspapers or books, books that seemed so “deep” to the “shallow” me.

Working in a trading company, (sort of a middleman, buy in goods to sell to local shops etc), he supported his family with the meager salary he received. At the age of 19, he and my mom married, and with several kids coming along through the years, the burden increased, and perhaps, the desire to break free from poverty lying deep within his heart, he started his own business finally, in the trade that he was most familiar, at the age of about 34. That was when I was born, and when our family began to do a little better in life, after also having moved out of my grandpa’s place.

Yet, life was not as smooth sailing as one would suppose, not that his business was not doing well, but trusting in the wrong person in his business venture, his business finally failed, after several years of good success, and perhaps due to tremendous pressure and stress as a result, he also fell ill of health, that he was almost given up to die, with heart failure. However, miracle did and still happens, he was given a second chance to live, though then having kidney problem, he lived on for several few years, knowing the Lord, in fact after the entire family gotten to know the Lord as well.

Perhaps, the part where I am most familiar with is that I have a dad who spoilt me the most among all the children, maybe because I am the youngest, 11 years apart from my youngest older brother. He showered his love on me, with lots of toys, perhaps to make up for the little time for the family, as most of the time he was travelling oversea working.

However, as and when he was free, he would as much as possible, drove me to school after we all had a bakuteh breakfast in town. And during special occasion, the entire family would go fishing, or feasting. Yet what I could remember, one of the fondest memories I had is, my dad loved to sing. (Perhaps that explains why several of my siblings love singing as well, and we sing quite well too, by the grace of God.) He would have his children seated by his side, and he would start singing a line of a song, or hummed a tune, and we would either continue the song, or guess the title of the song. And if we got it right, we would be rewarded with some pocket money. And that was really pretty fun, even right to the time when he was blessed with grandchildren, this game was still commonly practiced among us, with the grandchildren involved in the game as well.

Yet, there were times, when I see my dad in his latter years, I could almost see a false sense of worthlessness he must have felt, maybe because he became dependent on his family then. Perhaps he was unable to support the family. Perhaps he felt he did not fulfil his duty as a husband or a father well, perhaps... A sense of loneliness even, and condemnation crept in slowly, eating him up.

I cannot say my dad is the greatest or the “bestest” dad in the world, but I am glad I have him in my life, though to be honest, I was often in disagreement with him when I was young. Yet, I am thankful to the Lord that He found both of us, my dad and I, in fact my entire family, and has given us new lives in Him, and I am really, really thankful for that.

Next month would be the time when he left us to be with the Lord, after 6 years. I could not remember what he was like the very moment he passed away, as I was not by his bedside, one of my “greatest regret” in life. Though I visited him in the hospital then, almost everyday for a couple of hours, I was not able to be there with him for the entire day, being split between rushing my final thesis project, then being in the last month of my university education, the only project that will determine whether I passed or not. I was really hoping he could see that I finally graduated, after more than 1 year of deliberating whether to continue with my design study or not.

Life has moved on and we have come out of it slowly, without our knowing. At times, we still missed him, yet I thank my Lord who always comforts us, and He amazes me, letting me know that my dad is never again feeling condemned, and sick, but forever dwells in the wonderful presence of God in heaven, forever healthy and young. My dearest Lord and he are watching us with love from heaven. Meanwhile, cherish those loved ones you have with you now, the best gift for them is your time with them.