19022006

Something has been on my mind for a long time, perhaps for years even, and only a few days ago, I have finally determined to set a "resolution" this year, 2006 as the year to experiment what I thought I always believed. In fact, today, I marked this special date on my blog calendar in a form of an illustration to remind myself of what I have decided. (I never liked to set resolution but this will be an exception, as the only one who can keep it would have to be my Shepherd.)

For the longest time, I have noted a pattern in my life, and it seems to prove true for others as well, as I examined others' lives too. I must have related my own little story of how I struggled in school in the university, not able to meet my own expectation of myself, and how I struggled at designing, it seemed that the harder I tried, the further away I was from success, the more I struggled, the harder it seemed.

Yet through the years, I also noticed that there are many times when I have finally given up, or when I am in an extreme relaxed posture, that all of a sudden, designing becomes effortless, a joy, even as a surprise that I found myself in, thrilled by what has been produced in the process, and that the design is accomplished within a very very short time, so little is the time spent as compared to the amount of effort and time used when struggling. This happens several times in school in the latter years and also when I finally started working. And every now and then, I am always waiting for that sudden moment, when I feel as if something has dropped into my heart, a sudden spur of creativity and inspiration that comes from somewhere within my heart, and yet deep down within me, I knew it is from above. However, there are also many times, where that did not happen and I stayed in a state of struggle.

I am not sure if you can understand what I mean, but perhaps it is more commonly felt by those who are in fields such as music, art, film or literature. However, I felt that no matter which occupation you may be in, you should be able to understand what I am trying to explain, for most people should have experienced something of this sort in their lives.

Recently, I also visited a couple-artists/friends' place, when they showed us their art works. And I noted that deep within the conversations while they are trying to explain to us the works, there was a sense of great joy. Yet in the midst of it, I caught something, I noted that the artist mentioned he was very happy painting this series of works, as it was such a flow. That was the key word, such a flow!

I know what I was looking for, a flow, a simple, smooth and yet powerful flow, when designing, and when that design is out, you know that you know that "this is it!". It does not seem to come always, but it does come. And it only happens when I am in the most relaxed mood, most joyous and peaceful moment. Not to say that design does not come when one is not relaxed or not joyous, one can still design but there is a sense of emptiness in the design, a feeling that something better than this one can be sought after still.

Therefore, what did I determine after such a long essay? I shall not elaborate too much as it is pretty personal, between the Lord and I, but I can reveal this a little, only for the area of my work, I determine from 19022006, (or 20022006 when I actually go back to office tomorrow), from this day forth for this year, I take it as an experiment, that whenever I am in a struggle to trying to produce a design, I shall stop totally, draw back into the Lord a little, to find rest, to find back that peace that is always residing on the inside of me, no more fretting and no more worries, in other words, don't waste time! What do I mean by this? It means "don't bother to design anything or try as hard as possible to design, when I am in a fearful mood or when I am worried!" "Datelines" shall not be my guide anymore, but the peace within, and I hope by the end of this year, I can write a good report of this experiment, and what it has done to my life. No more fret! Unless the Lord builds the house, we labour in vain! If you don't mind, why not join me in this experiment as well for this year! He will surely prove Himself faithful as we all determined not to be troubled!