Monday, August 20, 2007

Long Vacation

Today's journal is named after a Japanese series "Long Vacation" I watched a few years ago, my friend's favourite drama, about a pianist (a prodigy) who took a while to stand up on his feet to play the piano again. Not that I am a prodigy, I am far from it, just felt like I am in the midst of a long vacation though, which was what I was dreaming of doing last year while working, it was a dream then, not even sure if I am bold enough to really go for several months without pay. Then, I was just entertaining thoughts of perhaps a break from work for 2 months, but now it seems it will be for 5-6 months, living off my savings and occasional pays that seem to fall from heaven when I needed them, my Daddy God is ever so faithful.

I am going for my holiday today! (Another holiday in my long holiday?) Flying off tonight alone, yet once again… Thank God, that I am meeting my friends there, who had left for the destination 2 days ago. Just pray that I will find my way to the hotel in the wee hours of the early morning tomorrow, need great wisdom for language is truly a big problem. It was not a planned holiday, I decided to join my friends about 2 weeks ago, almost at the very last minute, and not even sure if I could get an air ticket then, this perhaps is an unconscious effort of my mind to put off working for yet a few more weeks? I ponder.

Not exactly knowing the itinerary of the trip, I just wanted to get away for a short while, or at least play a little more, before life is back to routine, sleep-eat-work …sleep-eat-work… I must have made life sounded a bit pathetic, of course life is more than just these, I am just exaggerating. Even if it is a routine, so long as one is happy and fulfilled, that matters.

As for the task I set out to do during these few months of “not working” (for someone else), is still not completed, will complete it once I am back, need grace, great great favour for this, a step closer to my dream… My childhood dream, a lady now already in her adulthood, is still dreaming of what she dreamt to do when she was a kid… Selah. Crazy as it sounded, I was even entertaining the thought of going for further studies, but this is just a fleeting thought.

As the day of routine draws nearer, irrational as it sounds, those quite “stressful” working days seem to come back to me for the past few days, this is truly battle in the mind. How true it is, that one can be in a state of physical rest and the mind is perpetually working. This is called “worry”, a hateful word. Peace, be still! “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you, not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

I will have a safe journey indeed for my Shepherd is with me. I quite like flying alone (but with my Shepherd of course) on the plane, those hours of solitude, where there is nothing much you can do but to read, draw, listen and sleep, cos there is no one who knows me on the plane with me. I will take this holiday to draw a little, shop a little, sightseeing, and learn more from what others have done, may this trip be an eye-opener, a great time of catching up with old friends, and most of all, a time to spend with my Shepherd. See you all back home in 2 weeks' time! Will write and draw from South Korea! Seoul here I come!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Starting Afresh

Starting life afresh! Want to learn to put the past behind. And we all must do that and move on. It’s been a year since, how fast time flies. I believe occasionally the few of us may still condemn ourselves for not being able to help when she was in trouble, for not being able to listen to her struggle and know her cry during that difficult period in her life, for not being able to be with her. A few may still silently shed tears, after all, we are really good friends. However, it has already been a year, I believe it is time to close this chapter and put it aside completely, never again shed any tears on this matter anymore, this applies to my dear friends and myself. Let’s put this aside after this coming Saturday, for this is only temporary separation.

It’s been quite a crazy week. I felt I had enough of deciding which direction to turn for the last few weeks, and I finally decided to make a decision on Sunday, so that I can move on to do other things, rather than going from one interview to another, it is a tiring process on the mind, trying to decide which door to enter, that I chose to sleep and keep pushing the dateline of making any decision. Yet, even after making up my mind on Sunday, to be honest, I am still wondering, am I ‘crazy’ to make the decision I made? It seems a harder path that I have chosen now than to go to new places to me at times…sigh…Lord help me… Anyway, I am choosing escapism again… so this is what I am going to do, run away for a short holiday, and I pray my mind and heart is clearer after that. Selah, and grace upon grace!

Somehow, it seems whichever decision I made I will still feel this way, a bit lost, a bit unsure… I can only rely on my Shepherd to lead me, He will definitely bail me out even if I make a wrong decision this time, and this will be the last try, and yet not a try, but definitely need to learn to rely completely on His grace. I need to learn to trust my Shepherd completely, to turn away from my own self-achievement, to learn not being so serious and harsh with myself, to learn to really say “no” when occasion calls for it, but most of all, to always look to Him for solutions and not to man, not even myself. To be honest, I can't believe that I was actually burnt-out while working, how could I possibly go through this? (The self-righteous lamb speaking here!) I thought I was cool, well-organised, always on time, one who can plan my time so well, and yet I was burnt out still? I was in disbelief and unbelief, how could it happen? This happens when we lose sight of Him. Selah.

My decision has gotten me some scoldings, as most close ones actually advised me otherwise, yet I am still persisting this way, sometimes I do still wonder why… God’s mercy and grace… May You turn all things around for my good, because I am Your beloved child. Today’s blog is from one who sounds a bit “confused” even after making a decision, (thought I will be clearer after that), pardon me… I just need time to let my mind rest and let my heart speaks… no worry. Cheers!

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Falling into His arms

Falling into the arms of our Shepherd is the illustration for today. I caught an image of this on Thursday while at a service. Despite of how we fail, or miss the mark, beneath is always the everlasting arms of our Shepherd to catch us when we fall, such is the assurance and the hope. I again realise the beauty of simplicity, relooking at the beautiful gospel story, I am still unfolding.

These few months I begin to see a bit of light in some areas, how many of my worries I have in life came as a result of being introspective, the latter is a hyper scary attitude towards our mental well-being. It is so easy to fall into this state when we lose our focus on our Shepherd. That is also how worry begins, it starts in the mind, we turn the situation in every which way, figuring the cause and effect, imagining different possible scenarios, we meditate on it, sleep on it, bring it wherever we go, nurse it, water it, give it time to grow, and as it becomes healthier, we become weaker or may even turn "insane". We start to see our inadequacy, our inability to solve it, which is true, but it is all about "I". It is time to just give up and look up, for Help is waiting to help, but Help simply cannot get a hold of the situation while we are still holding tightly to it. This is what I have been struggling, sometimes and some areas seem more intense. Let not my heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. This is so difficult even, God help me!

I am finally going to embark on my 2nd phase of editing of my cartoon collection this coming week, thanks B, for all the help rendered, I really appreciate it with all my heart, knowing how busy you are, having to cope with work, study, attachment, spending times with loved ones, plus lending me a hand to edit my stuff. And thanks to my sister, your mom too! I am excited about this little venture, though i really do not know where this is leading me, but I am glad that I finally put aside other things to find time to do this little dream venture.

And lastly, really appreciate everyone that expresses their support for our website, some post it on their msns, some express via email replies, some actually become our first clients. And most of all, thank You my Shepherd for leading us thus far, You who begins a good work will surely complete it! Thanks! It is none of us, but all of Christ, and Him only!