Saturday, March 21, 2009

I Miss You

It was in 2007.

Have you ever had a continual sense of loss and discontentment despite all seems going well outside? You could still be going about your daily chores, reading the bible routinely, attending church, listening to sermons on a continual basis, reading Christian materials, doing what others felt a devoted Christian should be doing. Yet in the midst of it, that sense of loss and frustration increases daily, unknowingly.

It was in the year 2007. The industry was booming, everything around me was doing well, including career, family, and all. Yet there was an increasing, surging unrest within me, a point of tipping over, of going under, of breaking down. Perhaps it was the increased workload, or perhaps it was the promotion and seemingly added expectation from people, perhaps it was the unconscious self-imposed pressure of proving myself more. Perhaps…

The condition of my heart began to take on a change, and soon I was in a state of great confusion and frustration. My thought took on a toil on my physical body, and it started reacting to my thought life. I lost my peace. I was irritable and was horrible to be with. I felt working with myself unbearable.

I slowly lost sight of my Shepherd, the one who has equipped me all along. I fell out of grace, trusting in my own effort and achievement, into the world’s mode of thinking. I cannot see good even when good came.

Voicing my frustration, justifying my terrible behavior became a norm, trying to find comfort in friends. One thing I did learn was that, the more I talked about my problem, the bigger the problem seemed, somehow it magnified by my speaking about it. The more I expressed my anger towards someone, the anger seemed to increase. (I personally felt the idea of expressing one’s hurt and frustration vocally to friends does not work. I pray that the Lord will always teach me to refrain my tongue from speaking evil.) Yet, I could not remember now, if I ever really spent some time confiding to the One who loves and cares about me most, perhaps I did, but for sure I didn’t let Him speak to me.

I quitted my job finally, blaming my workload, bosses, colleagues and all, but never myself. I felt I needed rest. I did what I thought will bring me peace and contentment, I drew, I read, I designed on my own, I travelled, yet that emptiness didn’t depart. I did that for almost 5 months, feeling that that should do the work of removing that frustration, discontentment within. Yet that feeling lingered on even when I was already in my 5th month of rest.

It was finally at this point that I realized I should seek the Lord. I finally asked Him why. It was then I heard the least expected reply, or rather, the answer.

“I miss you.” He spoke.
It was a tender voice, not audible, it came from within, but it was more than enough to impact me. I finally understood. I had gone about living life as if the life I lived was mine.

That was in 2007. Yes, I am back working, and coping with my studies. Today, I realized it is not the workload. I am still loaded with work, yet the workload did not carry with it frustration. I also realized it is not the people or circumstances around us that affect us. It is the state of my heart, that needs continual recharging, and that can only comes by spending time with Him, talking and hearing from Him. Life without Jesus being involved, will end up being in frustration for sure, it is just a matter of time before it has gotten so big that one realized. Frustration happens when we lost sight of the One who loves us most and gave His life for us.

“I miss you, I love you”. The voice of the Shepherd speaking to His sheep.