My dad

The celebration of Chinese New Year has slowly quieted down, life is almost back to normal, with a little lethargic added, after all the festive goodies and lazing around at home, wanting to do nothing, absolutely nothing. Almost every year about this time, we would visit a Christian columbarium, where my dad’s ashes are placed. Not that he is there, but just part of our Chinese culture, perhaps, though we know that he is now in heaven with the Lord, we would still bring some fresh flowers there, to pay respect.

This is not going to be a short journal; I can foresee it, as this is no easy, simple task to write. I have wanted to write my dad’s story for the longest while, though I have limited knowledge of it, plus many memories that were not appropriate to mention. I had a good time of chatting with my mom yesterday morning, getting as much information as I can from her.

My dad, the eldest of 10 children, did not have the easiest of time in life. After finishing primary school education, wanting to move on for further studies, he was forced to start working and help support his huge family. Yet, he had a strong desire for learning, and he continued to pursue his studies in night classes while working in the day. As far as I could remember, even when he was pretty old, he was always either reading newspapers or books, books that seemed so “deep” to the “shallow” me.

Working in a trading company, (sort of a middleman, buy in goods to sell to local shops etc), he supported his family with the meager salary he received. At the age of 19, he and my mom married, and with several kids coming along through the years, the burden increased, and perhaps, the desire to break free from poverty lying deep within his heart, he started his own business finally, in the trade that he was most familiar, at the age of about 34. That was when I was born, and when our family began to do a little better in life, after also having moved out of my grandpa’s place.

Yet, life was not as smooth sailing as one would suppose, not that his business was not doing well, but trusting in the wrong person in his business venture, his business finally failed, after several years of good success, and perhaps due to tremendous pressure and stress as a result, he also fell ill of health, that he was almost given up to die, with heart failure. However, miracle did and still happens, he was given a second chance to live, though then having kidney problem, he lived on for several few years, knowing the Lord, in fact after the entire family gotten to know the Lord as well.

Perhaps, the part where I am most familiar with is that I have a dad who spoilt me the most among all the children, maybe because I am the youngest, 11 years apart from my youngest older brother. He showered his love on me, with lots of toys, perhaps to make up for the little time for the family, as most of the time he was travelling oversea working.

However, as and when he was free, he would as much as possible, drove me to school after we all had a bakuteh breakfast in town. And during special occasion, the entire family would go fishing, or feasting. Yet what I could remember, one of the fondest memories I had is, my dad loved to sing. (Perhaps that explains why several of my siblings love singing as well, and we sing quite well too, by the grace of God.) He would have his children seated by his side, and he would start singing a line of a song, or hummed a tune, and we would either continue the song, or guess the title of the song. And if we got it right, we would be rewarded with some pocket money. And that was really pretty fun, even right to the time when he was blessed with grandchildren, this game was still commonly practiced among us, with the grandchildren involved in the game as well.

Yet, there were times, when I see my dad in his latter years, I could almost see a false sense of worthlessness he must have felt, maybe because he became dependent on his family then. Perhaps he was unable to support the family. Perhaps he felt he did not fulfil his duty as a husband or a father well, perhaps... A sense of loneliness even, and condemnation crept in slowly, eating him up.

I cannot say my dad is the greatest or the “bestest” dad in the world, but I am glad I have him in my life, though to be honest, I was often in disagreement with him when I was young. Yet, I am thankful to the Lord that He found both of us, my dad and I, in fact my entire family, and has given us new lives in Him, and I am really, really thankful for that.

Next month would be the time when he left us to be with the Lord, after 6 years. I could not remember what he was like the very moment he passed away, as I was not by his bedside, one of my “greatest regret” in life. Though I visited him in the hospital then, almost everyday for a couple of hours, I was not able to be there with him for the entire day, being split between rushing my final thesis project, then being in the last month of my university education, the only project that will determine whether I passed or not. I was really hoping he could see that I finally graduated, after more than 1 year of deliberating whether to continue with my design study or not.

Life has moved on and we have come out of it slowly, without our knowing. At times, we still missed him, yet I thank my Lord who always comforts us, and He amazes me, letting me know that my dad is never again feeling condemned, and sick, but forever dwells in the wonderful presence of God in heaven, forever healthy and young. My dearest Lord and he are watching us with love from heaven. Meanwhile, cherish those loved ones you have with you now, the best gift for them is your time with them.