God Is Good!

Enough of talking about pay back time on the enemy. 5th day since I arrived, the hardest is slowly passing, jet lag and all, the worst has passed. 2 days ago, I went to MET (a museum), while trying to consume all the artworks, I guess it must have been the jet lag and the whole day on the ship and hot sun the day before, I felt quite sick, and I quickly rush home to sleep, since I was only getting about 4 hours sleep previously for 2-3 nights. Waking up in the early evening, thinking I should be well, I decided to visit the Grand Central Terminal and catching the Empire State Building at sunset. On the way to the 2nd destination, I knew I could not make it to the top as I felt like throwing up, and I rushed back to the subway to go home. Yet to my dismay, I vomited on the train, thank God with a paper bag in hand, and that I ate only just breakfast, so there was not much substance....(Keep me in prayer hor, dear friends!)

Yet last night I had a good 7 hours sleep, only waking up at almost 6am, what a breakthrough, thank God my body is slowly adjusting to it. How strange our bodies actually have a routine of its own, and it really takes quite a bit to adjust. This speaks of life, how much more we need to be renewed in our thinking, from pessimism, from depression and guilt, to constant hearing of the affirming word of Papa God, which is most important!

Yesterday was quite a dramatic day, and it rained, so I got to have backup plan B. Today isn't that sunny either. Sigh! I had a good time walking along 5th Avenue, window shopping, and my visit to MoMA (another museum) was great! Not so much being entertained by the paintings, though I enjoyed tremendously, but more by the building itself. I love its simple elegance of black and white, the internal minimalist effect, with clean sleek form, huge immense volume of space, grand and yet a sense of not too overpowering, good old architectural planning, and well crafted details typical of the Japanese, as it is by a Japanese architect. I love the courtyard exhibition space, and for once, the use of marble was most appropriate here I felt. (This last part has to be added, as my boss changed some of the finishes in one of my projects to white marble, which I was a bit apprehensive about, not really appropriate there, though I can't put a word to it, but my feel for it just isn't right.) This puts me to thinking, I have been trying with many style of designing, being a young architect, we experiment and learn by imitating masters, their style, their effect, with no logical reasons but simply for beauty sake, which I sometimes adhor. Do we actually need a style, a language of our own? In fact, many world renowned architects have developed their own style or language and just by looking at the form or space, we can boldly guess it almost right who is the creator of a building.

Yet there is also another school, no style, but site generated, concept motivated, though this school is often less famous, as they don't produce iconic buildings (buildings that catch your attention at first glance), but rather one that engages you slowly, to fall in love with it. I love this type, as it cannot bore you, just that it takes longer to get someone to walk in and give it a chance. I think I prefer to develop along this line, no style, but space and planning orientated, and the facade is all about creating an ambience within, with good detailing, though this will definitely take a longer path than an iconic methodology, yet I wish to stand in the position of the users of the building, rather than an onlooker... selah. At least for now, I may change my mind again...

Sorry for boring you with my job. Now back to the dramatic incident which I have yet written about. Yesterday was 11 October, exactly a month after September 11. I received a call from my worried friend while I was at MoMA, whom I am staying with, she was concerned that I could be at home, just like what I did the day before, due to jet lag, as there was a plane that crashed into a building 2 blocks (2 streets) away from where we are staying! She was so concerned, wanting to be sure I was okay and wanting to meet me to go home together as we are not even sure if we can make it home that night, as most probably the road was blocked, and at that moment, we were still not so sure what was the actual cause of it. But come to think of it, so close, I knew in my heart, a thousand shall fall at my side and 10 thousand at my right hand but it shall come near me! Thank God I was well and up running yesterday! I maybe pretty shocked if I stayed at home, hearing the crash. My God is good! My Shepherd is with me, yeah? Yeah!

The Initial Thoughts...

This is the 3rd day I have arrived in NY. I am still adjusting to it, especially in terms of timing, "suffering" from jet lag, waking up in the wee hours of the night at 4, 5am, so widely awake for the past 2 days. During those moments, been thinking a lot, re-thinking a lot, adjusting, re-focusing life purpose. I would not elaborate too much, after all I did not want to bore my friends with them.

The flight here was undescribable, pray with me for an upgrade. To be cooped up in the plane for 12 hours was no joke, no place to stretch my legs, no where to turn... and most of the movies shown on board was what I have already watched in Singapore. Yet I am grateful, for the smooth flight, and the unfailing assurance from Jesus' word "let's go over to the other side."

My dear friend's place is great, cosy and nice, and she showers me with so much "love actions", pumped up my mattress, prepare my breakfast, and most of all, cook up a delicious dinner for me, I was touched, though I didn't say, I am not a person good with spoken word, but indeed am touched, thanks, pal, though not sure if she will ever read this.

Yesterday began the first day of my adventure. Taking things slowly, I got to learn to take the subway. Had a morning walk along Brooklyn Bridge, and the view was quite cool. Followed by a trip to Liberty Island to see Miss Liberty and Ellis Island, and got to understand a bit of the American's history, sound so similar to our forefathers' story who came over from China. Yet I enjoyed it, the excellence in their museum amazes me, the enthusiasm by the local tourists with headsets and all, they are really here to learn, gain knowledge, it humbles me. (Though the ship ride was quite... I felt like puking...)

I had quite a thought provoking visit to Ground Zero after that. In fact, I was quite filled with emotions, tears filled my heart, though I am not an American, yet I could almost feel the lost, the pain, the agony that went through. The entire display of the event was simple, yet powerful. This was to have an effect on my thought in the wee hours of the night.

With the thought of a friend urging me to take a look at Time Square at night, even though I mentioned I would not want to venture out at night too much, I decided to drop by, since I got to change a train there. It was truly quite amazing, the last time I saw something like that was in Tokyo 6 years ago. The light, the vibrancy, the night life etc, wow.... I must go back for a musical, at least one. And I visited the Toys 'R' Us flagship shop, really quite amazing, a place I will definitely go back again to grab somethings home.

Finally I come to write why I am writing my journal today, not just to keep my loved ones informed of my happenings (B, do tell my mom what's happening to me, and my siblings, thanks). So far, I have drawn 2 illustrations, but not coloured, and no scanner around, so can't post them till I am back, most likely will be in B&W, since at this rate of drawing, I would have produce about 20 or more illustrations by the time I am back, how to colour them all?

The recent event that took place back home 2 months ago, left my heart feeling down, exhausted for a while, therefore, I escape here for a breather. During the early morning of the day when I was wide awake in the dark, I thought through a lot. My Lord must have been wanting to speak to me for quite some time, and the story of John the Baptist's death, how Jesus went quietly aside to be alone, and yet people came streaming to Him while He must be feeling sad at that moment, He had compassion and healed all those who came to Him, like the Chinese saying "hua4 bei1 fen4 wei2 li4 liang4" (convert grieve into strength) jumps up at me. Jesus is never defeated. I am not making myself equal as Him, but I took courage, no way will I be stepped all over by the past. It is not over yet, the enemy better watch out and be on his toes, cos my Shepherd will surely gain back many times more than what was lost! Though I can't understand why such a thing happen, even for September 11, one thing I am sure, all things will surely turn around for good, and cheers, we are born winners, we aren't going to be trodden down! That's it, I am awakened!

Holiday Time

I am embarking on my trip in less than 18 hours' time. This is the first time in my life, to fly over the biggest ocean, Pacific Ocean (quite malu to say though). The thought of being coop up in the plane and airport (transit) for more than 20 hours did put me off slightly at first, even now, as I think of what I should do on the plane. I brought my beloved bible, a book, mp3 player, sketch book, note book, and not sure what else, plus on board entertainment, should be able to keep me occupied for that 20 hours there, and another 20 hours back at the end of the month. (Plus my Shepherd with me...hmmmm...)

Even now, I am still wondering if I should bring my laptop along, though the thought of its weight did deter me a great deal, yet I only has a small sling bag that I am bringing with me on the plane, so the sheer weight of it should not be too much. I am in a dilemma... any advice? I can do a lot of research if I have my laptop with me...(I like to do word search online....) sigh, what should I do? There should be an invention, a very small light laptop, size of a handphone, that can be enlarged by a press on a button.

While I am away, my dear family, nieces and nephews, do visit grandma, ok? Or give her a ring on the phone! Also, I will be delighted to receive smses from friends, though not necessary phone calls, knowing the time difference is quite big! But do pardon me if I did not reply, you all will always be on my mind.

And hope you all have a wonderful time today at the gathering at the dear couple's place, though I would very much want to join you all, but spending time with my beloved mom (now), just by being at home is far more important and I know you all understand! Just heard a song by Jay Chou on MTV today, title about his mom, though I am not a great fan of his, (most of his songs sound very similar to me), yet I was caught by surprised and almost touched to tears by that song, the simple lyrics, the second greatest love in the world: our parents' unconditional love for us.

See you all in 3 weeks' time! But I will write my blog and hopefully post some cartoon illustrations from NY! Jesus loves you all!

Back To Basic

My Saturday morning routine is always a nice simple breakfast time with my mom, followed by reading the papers, which I only do once a week. Weekdays are too hectic for paper reading, so I chose to read the thickest set (which I always feel is the condensed set of the week), that is the Saturday’s papers, especially my 2 favourite sections: Saturday and Life!. Special report for today is on the yellow ribbon project, which somehow seems to be in the flow with my string of thoughts for the week. Been thinking about the youth, their lifestyles, their actions, many such acts are viewed as irresponsible, attention seeking, self-hurting and filled with unthinkable consequences. I thought of my teenage niece and nephews, their generation of young people. A short span of concern floods into my mind unconsciously at times when I witness their acts, that I almost forgot to cast them to the Lord, who loves them more than I do. As I read the report, I am back again to the same simple conclusion, down to the simple basic,

unconditional love + unconditional acceptance = extraordinary life

Lives are very vulnerable. Every human has an inner desire, seeking for love and acceptance from family, friends, peers, teachers, etc. If they are unable to receive love and acceptance, they would go to the other extreme, to agitate, to provoke, to upset. Yet I believe, many are not satisfied, many experience an emptiness within, which unknown to them, can only be satisfied by the Shepherd’s love. Many broken lives, heartaches, etc can be turned around if they know that Someone, the Greatest Being loves them despite of their imperfection, accepts them with no conditions attached. Many have a misunderstanding of the wonderful love story of the Shepherd and the sheep, if only all are to catch a glimpse of it, even just a tiny glimpse of it. I believe that there is no problem too big in this world that cannot be overcome once the comprehension of this great love is caught. The gospel of love: back to basic: unconditional love.

Since the day I made up my mind for my holiday destination, my stomach of butterflies has slowly been transformed into anticipation and excitement (must be because of the prayers of all dear friends), looking forward to all that I will be seeing. I zapped the maps, colored the places I wanted to see, and wow, I wonder if my 2.5 weeks are sufficient to finish all, plus the fact that I want a slow restful holiday. Been feeling so restless since August or much earlier, a need to retreat into Him suddenly seems more urgent than before as the days went by. I have little time for Him everyday, being bogged down by work and daily routine, so this holiday season shall be a break with Him, a time to restore my body, soul and spirit.

The second reason is, I think it is finally time to let go, a time to completely trust the Lord. Let me be a bit vulnerable, to speak my mind freely here. The day my superman assistant joined my team, an unconscious insecurity crept into my life, which I only begin to detect recently. I am agitated whenever I am challenged by him, his capability, his talent. An unknowing fear crept in, that my design will not be accepted but his instead, or that I would end up assisting him, fulfilling his design vision…I was fearful that as a result I would have less chance of designing. How scary our imagination can be? And even if that really happens, what does it matter? All things will surely turn around for our good…. And the desire of the righteous shall be granted.

The third reason is I need to go out and learn more, see more. There are times I feel, like the Chinese saying, a frog in the well, know so little, seen so little. (Plus my artist-friends gave me that picture, is that meant to be …? Joke lah, thanks for the picture, but I still dare not bring it home, I don’t want to scare my mom.) Yap, I want to learn more, absorb like a sponge all the beautiful visuals that I would encounter in this trip, storing up in my memory harddisk a library of designs, as future vocabulary to readapt, remodel and use!

Finally, why the above illustration? When I was deciding to choose between Beijing or NY for my holiday, I kept seeing myself sitting at Central Park reading, enjoy my simple quiet time with my Shepherd. (The illustration is a re-adaptation of Forrest Gump.)

Prata Meal

Today I went to the tree-top walk again, but with another group of dear friends. Interesting to know that a few actually do not like suspended bridge, very strange reaction came from a few of them... I believe this is the first time we gang of friends venture into such an activity that is so healthy... other than church, karaoke and food. It was fun, let us conquer Sungei Buloh next? Hope we have lost a couple of kg in the process, but then, the roti prata meal that we had after the walk would most likely have upset the weight lost. Hope you all like the prata illustration above, notice the hand on the right bottom corner? Guess who is with us all the time?

So many things have happened recently, or it seems like so many things, or the repercussions from just one thing, that I lost sight of some of the good things that happened around me. Yes, indeed I have been blessed in my work, despite of the seemingly increased number of administrative workload. The assistant I was horrified with, had finally left and a new one has joined my team for about 3 weeks. I was initially quite concerned that this new one would be the same as the old, but all thank to Papa God, this one turns out to be quite good after all, God knows my limitation and level of patience. Now as I looked at my team, I have a superfast 3d design expert architect, excellent administrative project architect, and 2 willing to learn cum hardworking assistants, I am truly contented, with the 4 of them, I almost feel we can conquer most tasks... and so I can go for my long holiday break, with no worry at all, because they will be able to handle everything well while I am away. Thank Papa God for them!

For several weeks, I have been deliberating as to where to go for a break this year, finding it so hard to find a travel partner at the last minute. Even willing friends and family members either didn't want to go to the places I wished to visit or unable to get leave from work. (Thank God I have a good boss, that I believe he will definitely approve my leave no matter what, come to think of it, I am truly blessed.) I considered joining a package tour alone, but it does sound really pathetic, one most likely will feel more "lonely" in a crowd than when truly alone. So yes after deep thoughts, I bought a ticket to NY, flying alone there, and bunk in with a friend who has kindly let me stay at her place while I am there. Thanks truly, friend, if you happen to read this, though I am not sure if you would. However, most of the time I will roam around alone, which does sound pretty exciting to me, though there are butterflies in my stomach now whenever I think about it, as this is the first time I travelled so far alone, but I know my Shepherd will be with me at all times. (Though I have gone to China on several occasions alone for work, it was just a few hours away by flight and China is a place where I always feel very comfortable with.)

Yet, I believe this will truly be a great time of refreshing for me, having 2.5 weeks in NY, I will take on a really slow holiday, on a real budget though, perhaps having to cook or just 2 meals a day, and may finally have a time to sketch and even paint over there. Perhaps I should bring my littlelamb series of postcard illustrations and sell along the street? Each at US$5-10 to earn some pocket money? And I would definitely go visit my dream, Niagara Falls in Canada. And all dear friends, do keep me in prayer for the month of October, while I venture to NY alone! I know my Shepherd is with me always!

Too Beautiful

I have been listening to this album “Too Beautiful” for a couple of weeks. It is definitely quite different, not loud and outstanding as the previous, which is not necessarily a bad thing, in fact almost too soft, and would definitely need time to digest, understand, and slowly likes it, perhaps a bit like wine.

I would say that this album came at a very appropriate time, to me at least. The past few weeks were not exactly time I would want to relive again, in fact it is a memory that I wished to erase or forget if possible. When my thoughts were overwhelmed with grief and questions, the album came almost like a gentle breeze, and I almost mistook several of the songs as gospel songs, or were they actually conceived as such but not openly proclaim? I wonder.

I first got to hear this song “Too Beautiful” at about 1140pm one night, when a dear friend informed me that it will be broadcast over TV. Nothing spectacular or deeply impressed I was with my first encounter. But being a “fan”, I bought the album days later anyway, and slowly began to digest the songs. Yet through the past few difficult weeks I went through, this song has the effect of momentarily freeing my mind from the circumstances around me, and the image that stands before me is my Lord, my Shepherd as I savored the song. Strange as it sounds, part of the song actually painted the above illustration in my imagination.

The song starts very gently, almost surreal, as if you are standing before a huge, still lake. And as the lyric gently unfolds, it speaks of the love of Someone, who never gives up, stands by you, and even with repeated mistakes on our part, this Person never leaves, making life worth living. How great this Person must be, who can melt a heart of ice…. I was overwhelmed, because in life, I believe there is no other who can be so, except our beloved Shepherd. (Put a link here, you may want to hear it for yourself, but the website only covers half the song, better buy one to listen, but please be reminded that this album needs time and patience to slowly savor it. http://www.davidtao.com/beautiful/ )

There is another song that rings a bell “So Beautiful”. Strange as it sounds, it seems to describe a female character initially, yet as you slowly digest the song, it has a bit of “Song of songs” effect in it, and as you look at the lyrics, the Chinese character “you” is a “male you”. The description of the Person in the song, about Someone altogether lovely, and strangely, the image of John leaning on the bosom of Jesus is painted in my mind. It speaks of Someone strong yet gentle, lovely as silk, forever beautiful. Speaking of being loved by this Person is an enjoyment, and to think of this Person is pure luxury. Honestly, as I listened to it a few more times, I am reminded again and again the loveliness of the Shepherd. Very powerful indeed.

Guess enough is said, it is not meant to be an album review, just want to mention a few songs that have helped me through a very difficult time. Thank God for them! And I am glad to say, I have come out of it all! Life is worth living because of Him, Jesus!

Waiting

Not sure if any of you remembered one of my very old entries on 18 January this year? It is about a bag that I wanted to buy, but it went out of stock. You know what? I saw a very similar one recently at the same brand shop a few days ago, and today I went to get it. I believed it was cheaper than the last time when I wanted to get it. It taught me a very precious lesson, about waiting patiently and not be discouraged. I remembered I wanted it so badly then, yet with all my might, I could not have it. Despite of that, my Papa God has answered my prayer a few months later, though now I knew I can live without it, I bought it anyway, as it taught me something. Some incidents we viewed as disappointments in life may in fact turn out to be real blessings later on when we look back. In life, I know if we are willing to wait, we will never be put to shame, especially when we have already cast all our cares unto our Shepherd, who loves us so much that He gave His life for us. We only need to wait, it will surely come to pass.

I was not feeling exactly uplifted or joyous recently, despite constant reminder that my name is written in the Lamb's book of Life. And I have been looking for escape or refuge, and I think a little break will surely do me much good, a break that I have been wanting since last month, with the accumulated work pressure that I must have imposed on myself,etc that happened. Just pray that I would have the courage to travel alone this time since no travel friend is in sight for this time round. In fact, I know I will not be alone for my Shepherd is with me. Papa God gives me courage.

Sometimes, the people you least expected bring you the greatest laughter. This was exactly what happened today, having a simple Uno game with my niece and nephews, we have the noisiest fun I ever had for the longest time (2 months?), perhaps finally laughing from within me, forgetting the past for that brief moment, putting powder on the faces of the losers of the game, taking pictures, etc, the simple pleasure of being with your loved ones. How simple the game was, but how powerful and full of impact the joy of being with my family. Lastly, just a reminder, Jesus our joy, and His love comes through the people He placed around us.

Friends Together

It’s been through an indescribable week, almost wishing it was just a nightmare every morning I woke up for the past few days. Working was never that draining on me, although there were times of frustration and incidents that did not turn out the way I anticipated, or clients did not express the same excitement as I hope just as the way I had when I was designing, or even when disagreement happens between my boss, colleagues and myself. Only yesterday I realized mental and physical workout is not as draining and tiring as emotional workout. I went through this perhaps the 3rd time in my life, it was never easy in the past, neither is it easy this time. But I sort of went into “auto-pilot” mode for a few moments, just like what happened in the movie “Click”, fast forward some moments.

Yet I am thankful to God, I have come out of it, I believe. I slept well last night. Sleep was not like sleep the few nights before, though I slept, it didn’t feel like I had slept. And I ended waking up much earlier than I had planned. Doing my work was hard, I always feel that design has to come from that inner part of me, and when I know right within me that “this is it”, I know this is it, yet, for the past few days, I just produced design for the sake of design, and I just know the product is not up to par. If the presentation turned out well yesterday while I am absent, it must have been the mercy of God.

Though the week was difficult, I was glad at least I finally put down my “so-called” important daily engagement (or simply routine), having a little time with my friends, finding comfort in one another, though little was spoken. I had reflections of the wonderful times we used to spend together, doing props, studying for exam together, chatting over lunch and practicing our songs. Those good old days shall be wrapped up as treasures in my heart. And I realized that several of those wonderful times together, someone dear has been the one who put those times together, arranging the gatherings and entertaining us, thanks dear. We will meet again someday in the future. Friends bring comfort, just by simply being there, not even with a word spoken.

Finally the above picture is for those friends whom I have found comfort together for the past few days, though we were too tired to enjoy the movie yesterday, I am just really glad I have you all with me. Actually, I wanted to drew our Shepherd as the 7th person, but then it would be unfair to draw Him sitting close to just one of us, so just imagine He is right within. (And also I was a bit lazy today.) I have learnt and must further learn, take some time off, man! We shall all move on, dear friends, and come out stronger than before, through our dear Shepherd, Jesus. He is ever so faithful and things will definitely turn around for good! We shall meet up often from hence forth! I hope I will not forget! I need constant reminder on this! Forever friends.

Memory

Memory seem to play a very important role in our lives. Watching so many drama series, especially the Korean dramas, with storylines that revolve about people suffering from amnesia, this topic is worthy of our discussion, though it is not my intention to discuss it in depth here. Our memories can be evoked by certain familiar items or incidents. Today, almost as a routine, I had my favourite Ah Kun’s toast and half-boiled egg with Milo. Just as I was enjoying the egg, I suddenly recalled that my mom used to prepare half-boiled egg for my breakfast when I was in primary school, and how strange this would sound, I actually found it yucky then.

Also many of my illustrations were done with imprinted images that may have taken place in my life before, and stored as memories in my mind. The above image was also conceptualized from some remnant memories of the past. I used to enjoy standing on my mom’s or dad’s feet when I was little, and let the movement of their feet carried me around, and it was really fun. Not just that, even when my feet were weak, my parents would still hold my arms tightly, and there was no way that I would ever fall. Now that as I recalled, perhaps in life, we should just live our lives like that, take it easy, stand on our Shepherd’s feet, and let His feet carries us around. And don’t be afraid, His mighty arms are always there to carry us even when we seem like falling.

Time to learn to take things easy. No more struggling or striving on my own to make things happen! True, that is just the attitude we should have. Take it easy for this week! Who cares? He cares!

Work out

It's been more than a week, my situation has not really improved, I am still as busy it seems, though Papa God seems to have somehow solved the problems differently for me. The problems did not seem to me that big after all, and perhaps I have come to reconcile the fact that He will not let me be in the situation where it is beyond me, that I am unable to handle (of course, with His help).

That feeling of feeling like an hypocrite during the last week, when my behaviour did not line up at all with the fact that I am His beloved child, saddened me. Yet this experience gives me a wonderful opportunity to share with my friends, and I realised that in fact I am not alone, who says being His beloved child, means we are totally free from uprising of anger, frustration, etc. I felt I was freed after a time of sharing with them, in fact, my position to encourage them has ended up the other way round, thank God for giving me the opportunity to serve, and thank God for my dear ones who uphold me in prayers always. Though I still felt heavy laden at times, I know His grace is more than sufficient for me. He will see me through with rest.

I have been wanting to exercise for a while, in fact the above illustration was done 2 weeks ago, by my own self-effort I made the resolution to exercise and reduce a bit of my weight. Yet shortly after deciding, I broke my resolution almost instantly, finding every excuse to not to work away the extra fat. Yet today, I finally posted it, because without any effort on my own, I actually had some work out after I came back from service, it is a miracle! Therefore it explains the above posting. Meanwhile, nothing much to say, just to wish you all a blessed week ahead! If you are going through a difficult time, take courage, for our Papa God surely has made a way out for you, He will never let you be in a situation tempted beyond you are able! He surely has an escape plan planned! He is more than enough! Cheers!

Too Heavy . Little Lamb Pte Ltd

Since end of last week, there seems to be a dark cloud looming over my head, and a heavy heart I carried throughout the week, creating traumatic waves to my assistants, I am sorry, I apologized. The sudden activation of 2 projects, the daunting impossible “datelines” that my boss promised the clients and a seemingly lost of a beloved job, all these overwhelming workload and disappointment trouble me, looking at myself, my limited resources, I am hurting, unable to produce, unable to do anything, as my mind is troubled. I hated all the administrative work I am doing, I just wanted to design. I was caught in a web of jealousy, over my capable assistant, the opportunity of him to just concentrate on design. Despite his offer to help me, I know it is not appropriate to pass on the administrative work to him, because I would still have to check and perhaps “redo”, knowing precisely his capability is in design, not in administration. And if I pass on my design workload to him, what is left of me? Just a shell… doing hateful stuff, writing letters, checking and meeting “datelines”, meeting clients, writing report, but no design. I am frustrated, annoyed, at being forced to do things I hated. For a few days, I felt I have fallen into a deep pit. Even when it is finally time to do design, it is already past office hours, crossing over the public holiday. And my troubled mind and a heavy heart simply cannot work anymore.

I prayed for a miracle, out of my own effort, I wrote a long email to my boss. I hated the feeling of my feeling being manipulated by my circumstances. I thought I have already been free of external elements, suddenly I realize I am just as vulnerable as before, only my Lord Jesus can help me. Listening to my pastor’s recent sermon about the feeding of the 5000, I identified with Jesus’ disciples, Philip and Andrew, one looks at his own limited resources, while the other looks to the tremendous need around. I am caught. I am Littlelamb Private Limited. Yet I took courage, that Jesus did not look at their unbelief, He still worked out a miracle. I realize miracle does not depend on my faith, but on Him, and Him alone. Lord Jesus, I look to You, and You will not put me to shame. I am tired. I hated this cycle of having to do things I hated. Thoughts of running away emerges again and again and again…

Yet, this episode brings me to one thing, I realize I am simply nothing without Him. My tireless trying suddenly made me realize that I have unknowing fallen into the trap of self-effort, trying to please man, the hateful rat race that I always hated. I don’t want to be the No. 1 Rat. I have decided, who cares, so what if I cannot meet the “datelines”? Yet the so called “responsibility” ME keeps haunting me down… However, I have decided “who cares”!

The above illustration came to me at the moment I woke up this morning, after I read my assistant’s blog, it troubled me last night. I realized I am quite influential, even when I kept totally silent, I am still capable of moving external mountains with my inward troubled feeling. I am sorry, I am really overwhelmed with the administrative workload.

In fact, the above illustration is supposed to be 2 comic strips, the first strip, with the 1st frame showing a lamb with a heavy load, then in the 2nd frame the elephant came to help. After the writing is done, the 2nd strip will appear, with the 1st frame showing a lamb with a heavy load, and in the 2nd frame showing the Shepherd removing the load off the lamb’s back. Which means in actual fact, the Shepherd sent a help through the elephant to help the lamb. Anyway, due to my laziness, I combined the 2 strips into 1, therefore the above.

Finally, I know my breakthrough is coming. And I know all along, good design only comes to me when I am in a peaceful state, hearing from Him. Lord, remove all the cluttered thoughts from my mind, move me into the state of peace. And only You alone, when I am weak, You are strong, I am nothing without You. Move me on…. Thanks Lord, I know You have already done so.

What an experience!

Went to watch the Superband Final a few days ago, and the experience was really quite extraordinary. Gotten tickets through one of the finalists’ fan clubs, and we ended up standing at the very front row just behind the yellow barricade, almost exactly what I feared, fearing of being captured on TV. Then I remembered I was joking with my colleague earlier on that we should make some banners to hide our faces just in case. The funniest thing was that the fan club actually made several banners and boards, and distributed to the people standing in front, therefore I was given one, and I actually use that to cover my face, whenever I see a possible camera coming around… what a joke! Though that episode of my life was funny, it was fun indeed. Watching the show at such a close distance, you really caught hold of the atmosphere, the thrill at that very instant was unspeakable.

Looking at all the “glamour” that man was trying to create on the stage, brought my imagination to the time that one day we will be standing before our beloved Shepherd, perhaps in a similar setting, yet the crowd will be many many times more, and there will not be any need of props or lighting, as He would be so beautiful, that there is no need for any backdrop to enhance His beauty, for His presence is beauty itself. That fleeting image caught my imagination for a short moment.

Watching all the finalists at such close distance, in fact they all look so much more talented in real life than just on screen, somehow, some things just got lost through the one eye monster. Thank God for the experience, not just blessing me with the opportunity to go, His blessing is way beyond what I could even imagine, I got to stand front row! Thank You Lord, that You made me special.

Been listening to the latest David Tao’s album, and I have several thoughts, about life, about the album, about many things. Hope I can pen all these down simply. The first time I listened to it, I was a bit surprised, because it is not a “loud” album, very simple, down to earth, with a very very simple theme, but in fact it is the hardest theme in life, “love”. In fact, it seems to be about love of a different type, not the boy-girl type of love, but one of a different level. The second time I listen to it was on the train, when I was heading to the final. The 3rd time I listened to it was when I was heading to church on Sunday. It was then I had a clearer mind while listening, perhaps it was because it was morning, or perhaps it was after I had my beloved Ah Kun bread toast with my favourite drink, milo, just a sidetrack, it was heavenly!

I was standing in the train, listening to the song “Too Beautiful” and the scene before my eyes was the beautiful reservoir near my place, in its stillness. Although the lyrics using a female character for “you” in Chinese, the song, indeed, just like what my friend said, sound so gospel like. The song oozes a sense of great happiness and contentment from within, a sense of being overcome by a great compelling love. Music can connect people, you can almost feel the feeling of the composer, strange as it may sound, yet that was exactly how I felt.

At that very instant, several people flashed through my mind. I saw people around me using their God given gifts for His work in different forms, the composer uses his music to reach out to people, as a channel for God’s love to flow through. I saw my friends, using their time, their talent, to mould little lives. I saw my artists couple friends, using their art talents to produce art that portray the Lord’s love and work, spreading the gospel in a silent visual form. I saw my niece and her friends using their compassion in their jobs to help rebuild broken lives. I saw a little of myself using God’s given gift to serve Him. It is really fun to serve God, the one who love us unconditionally. Work is fun, especially when the work you are doing is as unto Him, nothing matters anymore, all that you are doing, are just for Him. Someone who is enjoying what he or she is doing, is the most charming and beautiful. I caught a glimpse of that at the final. I feel a sense of that in the songs. I saw glimpses of that in my friends. I guess we human feel times of frustration when we could not fulfill our God given potential. And yes, these are just some of my thoughts. I really think too much… Paiseh, for boring you, if I did. Remember, you have a God-given talent within!

So In Love

Wanted to write on this, though it sounds really mushy, but then it is as it is. Reading and now responding to my friend Dialogismos’ blog on the “singles”, perhaps, one of those friends she was thinking of would be me, I suppose. (Come to think of it, I have a close group of friends, strong, independent, many are good-looking singles, yet ever so wonderful to spend time with.)

Crazy as it may sound, I am deeply in love, with my Shepherd, not sure why, but as the days go by, through all these past 13 years, that feeling of being loved by Him has not lessened. And the more I see the weaknesses in me, even the unlovable me, and the more I see Him, the more I realized how unconditionally I am loved, crazy it seems, I also am not sure why. I never felt really lonely, and yes indeed and only when close ones, colleagues, even superiors, who would say things as “she is single” etc, then I realize “O yah.” Yet many times I feel I am more loved than anyone else, with a sense of great gratitude within me, thank You my Shepherd. His love for me has never failed to amaze me even till now, and I believe, till eternity.

So many wonderful little things happened in the past week. One thing that amazes myself was that my design was criticized by a client with great cynical comments, I was caught with great wonders that I manage to stay cool headed, using that incident as a joke later on. Perhaps in the past I would even stand up, slam the desk, give him a nasty look, walk out, and the next day, just handed in a letter to my boss (so drama, watched too many TV dramas). This has to be Him in control, phew! Thank God that He taught me to work as unto Him and not unto man, and in all my undertaking, I know I have put my heart into it, therefore I am not ashamed.

However, just a few days ago, I actually lost my cool over a small incident, over that assistant that I have, for taking too long a time smoking, while I needed an urgent document he had when he was out smoking. Sigh, that was when I tried with all my best not to be angry with him, and yet all the more I am with him. My trial will soon be over, he is leaving at the end of this month finally! O God, please speed up the process! I really cannot stand him, only You can help me!!!!! Help!

Yet 2 really small incidents happen that add spices to the week, giving me such great unspeakable joy, that I must pen it down. A dear friend of mine, knowing that I am a great fan of David Tao, sent me a sms, informing me that she saw his latest MTV, about a song that is so gospel like in its lyrics. Due to the nature of her work, which I am not at liberty to explain more, she even sent me the full day time schedule for the broadcast of the MTV for me to catch on TV. I was deeply moved, not so much by the song, but more by her act, His love for me through a friend, thanks dear, you are a gift from Him!

Another crazy, almost unlikely thing happened. Remember I wrote I hope to get a ticket to watch the Superband final? I did several checks online to ways of getting the ticket, and almost announcing it to the whole world (I mean to all my friends), I want to get the ticket. (This is my way of giving Papa God no way to fail me! Ha ha!) Just as I was giving up, my lovely assistant told me she got me a ticket to watch it. I was awed, almost unbelievable, a miracle has happened, and I am reminded again in that instant, my Shepherd sees to all my little wants in life. Thanks, lovely assistant, and most of all, my Shepherd.

I know I am deeply loved by Him, all these little incidents are physical manifestations of His love, I would not say I need them, but having them is really great! I am truly very blessed, a wonderful family that is always there for me, dear friends that know me, accept and love me just the way I am, these are just some of His everyday manifestations of His love for me.

Dancing with Him

It was a weird week, busy, yet fun and interesting. Notwithstanding that one of my presentations didn’t go very well, but it was fine with me, it seems that I may have grown calmer these days, learning to let go more…

So many little thoughts here and there, as many little incidents happened, that brings along all these thoughts…

Chatting . Lovely Assistants
I have always been quite curious about the past of one of my lovely assistants, so I finally “mustered” sufficient courage to ask her to share with me about herself and her family. We had a wonderful lunch, and I have yet gotten her permission to write about it, therefore, I shall shut my hands from writing it, for it sure has no small impact on my life, I salute her, for her faith, her simple trust, that she turns out trusting in the Lord than being bitter with her life. Indeed, I see the Shepherd’s faithfulness.

Another thing that I noticed is that I begin to see another of my assistants blossoms, begins to open up a bit more towards me, and I am truly very happy about that, more willing to speak up. I pray that one day she will come to know the Shepherd’s great love for her, for this is one of my greatest desires for her.

People
Perhaps the hardest thing to deal with, to me, is people, the relationship between individuals. Nothing to boast about, I knew that there are a few areas that Papa God has given me gifts for, for use in my work as unto Him, and even the personality traits that have helped me through difficult journeys in life are placed within by Him. Yet I know that what I am lacking in at several times is the compassion for the people, as I have little patient to tolerate mistakes, seeing the task accomplished as being more important than the person handling it. Something that I tried avoiding at times and if possible, let someone else deals with such situation when it arises. The task-oriented me begins to have a slow revealing of the Father’s heart, dawning on me that we are all in a people ministry, for at the end of the days, it is not how much you earn, how many buildings you have built, but the people that you have touched, the lives that have been transformed, turn around because of you, that matters. My Shepherd, give me a shepherd’s heart.

Praise
Just had a pretty good time yesterday at a praise and worship service, though my feet were tired for standing long, it was really enjoyable, indulging in Him. And during that service, it suddenly dawn on me that by 2007, it will also be the 14th year that I have come to truly know the Lord, not to mention that it is also the 7th working year in my life, perhaps I will write more on that next week, as the illustration for that is already finished. Yet one thing I would say is that, for the past 13 years, I have never regretted knowing Him, and that gratitude towards Him has not lessen or grow familiar, but in fact it is deepened, to the extent that as the days go by, my puny comprehension of His love for me has increased. All thanks to Him.

Remembered several months back, I wanted to draw the above illustration but the effect didn’t turn out as I expected. Yesterday during the service, the image was brought up again, of us dancing with the Lord, and I wanted so badly to draw this out no matter out, so that explains the above. Hope you like it, the things around just simply fade away, when we know that He is with us always, nothing else seems to matter anymore…

My Addiction
People around me would know that I am very addicted to the TV and drama series, especially the light hearted happy ending type. I am right now in the middle of a TV series (DVD), and I was so engrossed in it, that I even contemplated of taking leave to stay home and finish up the series, though I didn’t, because of the several presentations to prepare and do for the past week. Anyway this brings me to end this session quickly…. To indulge in a little wasting of time… TV here I come, who would deliver me from this addiction…. Ciao!

Dream Maker

I have been really busy for the past week, even taken a day off to do some personal things. Though I was kept busy at home from morning till almost midnight on my off day, the time was satisfying, relishing every moment of it. Doing my dream work at home, spending some really simple yet quality time with my mom, having a simple porridge lunch with her, was joy unspeakable, this is what life is all about, no worry, no fear, doing all things from the onset just for Him. Busy, and yet not busy, because work is no longer work when you enjoy it, if you know what I mean. This sparks off the idea of taking more time off and do some of those things I like at home more often in future. I may soon get addicted to this lifestyle.

I am still in awe and wonder of all that has happened the past 2 weeks, though I am still kept relatively calm on the outside, yet deep within, I am filled with gratitude to Him, the fulfiller of my dreams. Thanks, my dear Shepherd.

Just a side track, it would be wrong if I don’t even mention this here, something that has caught my attention for the past few weeks. Talking about TV addiction, as I mentioned before, I am a TV addict. Recently, I have been quite fascinated with the “Superband” programme, and I am really amazed and encouraged that there are people out there who dare to pursue all the way for their dreams. These are simple people from all walks of life, but what brings them together is the common passion for music. To me, all the groups that have gone into the final are already champions in their own right. I am not sure if I would vote for them yet maybe I should get a ticket to go watch the final…

Now back to reality, it is back to office on this coming Monday, with many things to rush and finish, in fact, with so many presentations due this week, its seems a relatively busy week ahead. Yet I am reminded again that He who has seen me thus far will continue to see me through the days ahead, for He is ever so faithful.

As for this blog, being so busy for the last 2 weeks, I have not produced any new illustration, but the amazing thing is that I actually drew 4 little lamb cartoons 3 weeks ago to last me till this week’s blog. (I think my Shepherd knows my busy schedule ahead of time, and therefore inspiration comes much earlier, phew!) So the above concludes the series of cartoons I have drawn 3 weeks ago, in search of all the friends for the little lamb, hope you like all the friends shown in the past 2 weeks.

The little lamb enjoying a cool breezy night in the open… You too take some time to enjoy your dreams!

Am I dreaming?

It is past midnight and my hair is still wet. So while I am sitting near the fan drying my hair, I started writing this week's blog. I was actually contemplating to master the "Flash" program, that somehow, someday, I will be able to produce my own little animation online, on the first ever little lamb cartoon, yet I may have to put this idea off again for a little while...

Several years ago, when I was still studying in the university, I treasured a little dream in my heart, which some of my close friends would know. A dream that I was willing to give up everything I had for that, though the dream never seemed to be forthcoming then, despite my endless prayer to almost "begging" God.

Since then with all the disappointments, I had almost given up, went back to school to complete my study and moved on with my life as a designer. Yet that little dream has always been lying deep down within me, thinking that, perhaps someday it may still happen, but now, no longer as a dream that consumes me, but rather... a happy daydream.

Yet, back then, I could never have thought that what I go through now, the skill that I picked up along the way would in fact draw me closer to seeing my dream fulfill than if I would have chosen to try to fulfill it by my own. I used to live through a season in my life when I regretted entering into this architecture journey, thinking that, the further I moved on with this, the further away I was from my dream.

But who would have thought that one day Papa God would have use of this little skill that He imparted into my life as a result? That it is after all not a wasted journey, but a more fruitful path, where I could be of greater use to Him. That puts me to ask, "Am I dreaming?" I am still trying to contain my little emotion, as I could not share my joy openly here. As I looked back through those years, I am amazed by each little step, and I can almost see it visibly the invisible Shepherd that leads me all the way by His loving hands.

Now, through a series of events recently, I was suddenly brought to see my dream come to pass, to see a group of people from the land that I loved blessed, and to use the little skill that God imparted to realise this dream. I am truly awed by the awesome wisdom of Papa God. Who would have thought that it will be done in this manner? He truly knows what is best for me. So friend, do not be discouraged, if you have been dreaming for a long time, and yet that dream is not forthcoming, do not despair, in His time, for He has a great plan for you too. He is our beloved Shepherd, He will lead us there.

As for the cute sunflower above, it is the little lamb's little confidante, whom the lamb can always confide all its little dreams and secrets to. It is a continuation of identifying the little lamb's friends to continue the story...

Struggles . Relationship . Life

This is a continuation of yesterday’s thought. Yes, I am struggling… been struggling for a few months with a young assistant of mine. Every now and then, I will ask myself why am I made to fall into such a situation when the assistant was not even employed by me, he was forced into my team when his supervisor left the office.

Pardon my prejudice here, guess this is one good place for me to vent a little of my frustration. I have come to the point of beginning to doubt myself, whether the way I am treating him was because of his poor working output, or it has already changed into a form of prejudice on my part, a judgment formed, that whatever he does tends to frustrate me, I am not sure. I can no longer differentiate the two, I am confused, who can deliver me from this?

I was so afraid of giving him any work to do, that I have decided to split the work between myself and my other assistants, until finally I was “reprimanded” by my other assistant, why is he still receiving a salary when he did so little (partly because I tend to have to redo whatever he does, I figured it might be better to do it myself), and make ourselves so miserable…. I pondered… sorry…

I also tend to ask others in my team to give him work to do, so that I do not have to. And the nasty me within, in fact rejoices when I saw the same frustration I faced happened to them, taking delight that I am not the only one, trying to justify myself for my misbehaviour, trying to alleviate my guilt and misery. The terrible me…. Lord, thank You that you love me just the way I am.

In fact, almost everyday, I am counting down to the day when he is leaving, because he would be leaving to further his study in September, I wish it can be tomorrow, I wish. To be honest, there are several times, I ask him maybe he should consider leaving earlier for his study in England, to get himself used to the new environment, trying very very hard to sound nice…. But somehow he doesn’t seem to get my hint… sigh! Help! I wish someone would forward this message to my boss… for him to take some action. I am tired, dealing with him… really tired.

I have come to the point of doubting myself, blaming myself, looking within myself, asking why am I such a person, not at all behaving like a Christian, respecting others like the way Christ does, I truly cannot, the harder I tried, the harder I fall, the angrier I am with him and with myself…. And my voice rises ever higher at him as the days go by! After that, I feel bad for behaving such. I have been pondering of even taking leave on the week that he is leaving so that I do not have to pretend to be nice while sending him away. Even if there is a farewell lunch, it would most probably be a celebration lunch deep within my heart… forgive me for my frankness…

And yes, that also half explains the illustration above. As I was thinking of the friends for the little lamb, I decided that its good friends will be the elephant and the giraffe, my favourite animals in the zoo. I love the elephant, much as it is big, it always look so kind and gentle, perhaps of its slowness. I love the giraffe because it itself is so cute, almost a joke in nature, with such long neck, but ever so adorable, almost elegant and very colourful. Yet despite of it all, they can live peaceably, though the elephant has to be careful, not to stamp on the little lamb, and the giraffe has to look out for its lowly friend. Yes, in other word, in all relationships, tolerance is important, something that always cripples me because I have little patience… Guess after the above incident, my fruit of longsuffering would have gotten so big! In life, such incidents do happen… I wish it is the last though…

My Shepherd, you will see me through this all! Let there be a miracle!

Za Ba Lang

There are many thoughts this week, but they are all over the place, therefore I shall take on the phrase my lovely assistant used “Za Ba Lang”, in Hokkien, meaning a mixture of many things.

Little Lamb Art
How did we first come across this word in my chat with my colleague? We were discussing whether we should go do something else, rather than sitting in the office drawing and designing? Such as selling sweet beancurd, chicken rice, etc. A common nonsensical topic that we would casually bring up at times. She came up with the idea, why not I go develop on the little lamb series and create all sort of products and she would go and sell them, that is, to create a series of “Za Ba Lang” items. In fact, the name “Little Lamb” has already been used by a shop, so we may have to change name… or why not use “Za Ba Lang” as the name? Anyway this was just a casual chat… though I have entertained this thought before.

My Mom
Today I brought my mom to see a doctor. She has not been feeling well for the past few days, feeling giddy. As I brought her there, I held her hand, and suddenly I realized that my mom is old. In the past, it was always the other way, when she would reach out her hand to hold mine, when crossing the road, etc, and even when I was older, in my secondary school, there were even times when I felt shameful, to be seen by my friends that my mom held my hand. How time passed. Now it was the other way around, who would have thought that now I would hold her hand to cross the road… a heavy feeling hit me. My mom has indeed grown older.

Crazy Thought
Pondering on the thought that maybe one day I may truly publish the little lamb series just like what we discussed earlier, I was suddenly hit by the fact, the lamb has no name, no other supporting characters, except itself and its Shepherd. As I dwelt on this further, a crazy thought came over me, I better start evolving the little lamb, to have some identity, and again to reexamine whether this present image of the little lamb is what I want to portray. Just like Mickey Mouse, it truly has evolved, from black and white, to coloured with eye balls, to the present computer generated form. So all at once, I drew quite a few, to sort of search for an identity? Plus I have identified its friends, etc…

So below was what I drew, and after looking at it for sometime, I felt actually it looks more like a slimming advertisement rather than choosing the desired look, A, B or C. Please don’t be mistaken, it is NOT a slimming cartoon…. I want to clarify again. Anyway, my conclusion is, I still prefer image C. In fact, I have finished the illustrations for all its friends, but I will publish it later in the week or next week, while I ponder a little more.

Name: No name yet (Any suggestion?)
Date of Birth: 30 May 2005
Age: 1+
Gender: Female
Country of Birth: Dreamer Land
Owner: Shepherd
Friends: Sunflower, Elephant and Giraffe (name for the friends?)
Hobby: Daydream, taking naps, taking vacation
Favourite food: Chocolate and ice cream
Character: Blur, playful, tend to roam away unknowingly on its own until the Shepherd has to go and find it.
Favourite place: Near the Shepherd, because that is the place where food can be found, and it is warm and peaceful, no worry of wolves.

Flats

I have settled into my new flat (though it is an over 20 year-old flat, but to me it is new) for coming to a year, since I moved in last September. In fact, I am getting so used to it, being so near the MRT, I left my home heading to work, more than 20 minutes later than the past, sleeping later than usual, hardly take any bus these days, and even when working late in office, I find it much faster to take a train home rather than catching a cab at times.

How fast new habits begin to form as a result of moving to this new place. In fact, I have gotten lazier, not wanting to leave my house unless necessary. In fact, the last time I used to stay in a HDB flat, (HDB flat is Singapore’s public housing) was more than 10 years ago, when I was still attending junior college, and ever since then, I have been staying at my brother’s landed property for more than 10 years. Never was there a need to take a lift to my apartment then, and catching a public transport was not really that easy, though it was a really nice cool walk to walk to the nearest bus-stop in those days. I used to sleep on the 1st or 2nd storey then, and being on a lower level, the sunlight hardly entered the bedroom, keeping the sleeping environment pretty dark and cosy. Yet these days, especially during weekend when I can afford to sleep a bit later than usual, I am usually awoken by the stream of bright sunlight entering my room, being on the 10th level.

I am not complaining, just comparing the huge difference. Now staying near to many amenities has its pros and cons. Snacking becomes almost a very easy task, as I would have to pass by a 24 hours coffee shop before I reach home everyday, with great temptation crying out at me, chicken wings, fish ball soup, rojak, roti prata…. etc, etc…. I am trying very hard by my self effort to shed the extra 2 kg, Lord, help me!

Why am I dwelling on this topic “flats” then? I have been wondering, if I can afford it (which I think I maybe one day), to get a condominium or private property, would I ever want to move into one? This question came to me recently, as I have been designing many such building type for the longest time, perhaps the one building type that I have been constantly designing, despite of the fact I wish there is something new I can design soon, though I still enjoy doing it, finding new ways to look and design housing, breaking new grounds hopefully at the same time. (Come to think of it, about 3 or 4 of such building type that I did have been or are currently being built.) Yet, honestly, I may not want to stay in one, despite of the prestige, the facilities, or even if it is designed by myself. Why, I ponder. Perhaps I still like the simple pleasure of staying in public housing, in a midst of a well established housing estate, where all the facilities are there. I prefer convenience above all. And being pretty busy even now, I doubt there is time to even enjoy the facilities of the condominium, even as of now, I hardly have 2 hours a day to enjoy my TV and some serenity moments in my bedroom… perhaps it is my time management problem that I got to solve first…

Most of all, I do not like to be in debt for too long, having to take half of my lifetime to pay off my housing debt, I see it as a crazy choice to make, just for the sake of staying in a condominium, etc, this is just my thought. I prefer freedom, able to go anywhere I like, not having to worry about keeping a job to pay off my debt. And yes, I hope I didn’t offend anyone in this week’s blog, especially I hope this writing will not jeopardize my housing design career…. Oops, I better run off before I get into any trouble! Ciao!

Letting Go

Letting go has never been easy, if you know what I mean. In fact, I believe all of us are holding on to something in our lives, refusing to let go, be it a wayward son, a broken relationship, a treasured dream, a heart-broken memory, a broken heart… if we have lived on this planet long enough, we would have accumulated some of the above to some degree or another.

Through the years, I have learnt to let go in some areas, slowly though. As the revelation of my endless longing, or my holding onto something amount to nothing, but rather my letting go, and placing them in my Shepherd’s big powerful hands, will surely come to pass, I begin to slowly open one finger at a time, learning to trust Him and let Him take charge.

I must have a special love for drawing hands, besides my little lamb series, as you can tell if you have followed this blog “religiously”, the above is another of such series. Indeed, I have a dream, a dream that seems so close to being fulfilled, that I nurse it, guard it carefully. A dream which is at the beginning, a gift from Papa God, yet as the days went by, I began to take full ownership of it, trying to take it out of the hand of Him, relying on my own effort to fulfill it. I forgot, I forgot that it was from Him, I forgot that if it begins from Him it has to be done through Him and ends with Him, I forgot…

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit down as I walked to my bible study, not because of anything that happened in the day, in fact, the presentation that I was preparing for the past week went pretty well, and should be a thing to rejoice in, yet I was not feeling that way. In my short journey there, I could not put a finger to the problem, just not sure why. And I reminded myself, I walked by faith and not by sight, not by my feeling…, trying to brush that aside by rationalizing the problem, yet the feeling of emptiness stayed irregardless.

As I stepped into the main auditorium, with the sounding of the worship song, a mental image was suddenly formed, I saw my hands in His hands, letting go, letting go of the dream I held dearly in my heart…. Letting go, for I know this very well through the years, for unless the Lord builds the house, I labour in vain, and I refuse to do anything out of my own puny strength, even if there is any. A peace flooded my heart. Indeed, to me “letting go” is never easy, especially a longed for dream that seems so close to being fulfilled, yet I know deep within myself, Papa God needs no help, and He only wants me to trust Him, without Him, I can’t do anything.

Papa God, forgive me, I know you already did long time ago, yet still, forgive me for forgetting, for trusting in myself, I put it into Your hands hereafter, only You Lord. Only You can.

Himself

Though there are many times I drew my Shepherd and His little lamb, I have never attempted to draw the cross at all as far as I could remember, though the image of the cross has touched me countless times in my life. His nailed-pierced hands, the crown of thorns on His head, the bloody wounds on His back, the totally abandoned Son hanging helplessly on that old rugged cross, simply for me, the image of the highest form of love. How many times this image has seen me through the most difficult times in my life, leaving me with gratitude in my heart, that if He gave up His life for me, how would He not save me out of all the troubles I am in?

Pardon the “religious” sounding blog today, this blog was never meant to be preachy, but a venue for me to keep in touch with my loved ones, and to download my thoughts, document some little episodes in life, and most of all, to encourage me to draw again. However, it would never be void of the Shepherd, as He is my constant dependence, my most dear Friend.

What a coincidence it must have been yesterday, as I sat to listen to the teaching during bible study, the above image suddenly flooded my imagination, seeing a little lamb, standing at the foot of the cross, beholding the ages’ most important episode, the moment where the universe’s most important Being hung on a tree to express His eternal love for me. And at that moment I heard one of the most beautiful poems written, and it touches me. In the past, He was merely my fire insurance, a rope to hold on to, just in case heaven is real. Now He is every reason for my being, for all that I do. Hope you too will find strength, hope, and all that you ever need in Him, in Christ alone, only Him.

HIMSELF

by A. B. Simpson

It was the blessing, Now it is the Lord;

Once it was the feeling, Now it is His Word.

Once His gifts I wanted, Now the Giver own;

Once I sought for healing, Now Himself alone.

Once 'twas painful trying, Now 'tis perfect trust;

Once a half salvation, Now the uttermost.

Once 'twas ceaseless holding, Now He holds me fast;

Once 'twas constant drifting, Now my anchor's cast.

Once 'twas busy planning, Now 'tis trustful prayer;

Once 'twas anxious caring, Now He has the care.

Once 'twas what I wanted, Now what Jesus says;

Once 'twas constant asking, Now 'tis ceaseless praise.

Once it was my working, His it hence shall be;

Once I tried to use Him, Now He uses me.

Once the power I wanted, Now the Mighty One;

Once for self I labored, Now for Him alone.

Once I hoped in Jesus, Now I know He's mine;

Once my lamps were dying, Now they brightly shine.

Once for death I waited, Now His coming hail;

And my hopes are anchored, Safe within the vail.

Day dreaming, running away

It has been a busy week, not that I have to work late every day, but there were so many things to attend to, there was hardly much time to sit down and do some decent design work. What I dreaded most was all the administrative work that I have to do, emails to write, calls to be made, and overseeing the work to be done to meet "datelines".

Suddenly I felt as if I have gone back in time to about 8 years ago, when I was working as a teacher. As I recalled those days, not that I disliked teaching (in fact, teaching to me is such a noble career), but one thing I hated to consider then was, as one became a more experienced teacher, one ended up with more administrative work and lesser time in teaching. This was one area that definitely put me off quite a bit and still baffled me. Why would anyone in their right mind allow someone so skilful in teaching to go into more administrative post?

Have I also become more "senior" and "experienced" in my work? I dislike to think so. I definitely did not like what I did for the past week, and I would not like to do this for a prolonged period. The reason why I enjoyed my job was most probably I enjoyed the process of digging deep into a design brief, exploring new possible ways to the design, etc, rather than delegating the favourite part of my job to others, and I ended up running around coordinating the work, etc. Selah.... A deep sigh.... And when I finally find some time to do my design, it was already past official working hours. I ended up putting in some "not-up-to-par" design solutions, which only my Lord knows... And an empty feeling begins to emerge from the inside; produce for the sake of producing, no longer really enjoying it, but rather as a task. This is definitely not the kind of lifestyle I seek. For I know for sure that the blessing of the Lord makes one rich and adds no sorrow with it.

And as I behold those people above me, to be honest, I am not in the least envious of them. Being so fully occupied everyday with meetings, coordinating, networking, etc. I just want to be true to myself, engrossed in what I always like to do: design (the stubborn me at work again...), leaving everything to Papa God to take care, as I know He sure knows where to put me, at the right place at the right time.

Perhaps it is precisely such time that my dream break seems more and more essential to me, an occasion for me to "escape" from all these realities, into His arms, and to seek Him. A time to step back and rest. Lord, I really really dislike all the administrative work, help me out of them all! Papa God, deliver me out of this! Only You can! Thank You Father.

Birthday 2006

Last Tuesday was my birthday. I am always pretty shy with this, in fact, I don’t really like to discuss this, as to how to celebrate, or what present I would want to receive, etc. And this explains why, I would give myself a little birthday gift, that is, a break on this day every year, hiding from colleagues, etc, by taking the day off from work, regardless of how rush my work in office is.

Almost without fail, a few days before the actual day, I would have a little celebration with my long-time childhood friend, since we shared almost the same birthday dates, just 2 days difference. Had a simple dinner, and after that we tired each other out by shopping for each other’s present. And on the previous Sunday, I had a nice cosy lunch with my dear church friends, having a wonderful time of chatting and catching up, almost having a recharging effect to me. That was really cool! And back to the office on the Monday, a little cake-candle blowing session was organized by a few close colleagues, and courtesy of the sponsorship of a cake by my absentee boss, I think the secretary has a part to play in it more, still, a great thank you to all.

Yet nothing beats celebrating with my family. On the actual day, I brought 4 of my niece and nephews out for a lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with my mom, simple as it is, but the fun of hanging around with them was unspeakable. Bringing them around for shopping, having a cup of ice cream each, and finished off the day watching TV programme together, when was the last time we did something such as this? It must have been a year ago, I pondered. How I missed such leisurely free time, no one to impress, nothing to rush, enjoying the luxury of “wasting” time.

And my birthday resolution? Now that I am almost fully convinced that by the end of this year, after having entered into my 7th working year, I have decided to take on a more laid back life, making plan to take a really long break, maybe 2 months. And indeed I think I must have started my plan subconsciously already, I actually went to the movies twice within a week! Despite the news of several more projects after I came back from my one day off, I hit the record high of having 7 projects on my list to do! This is a present I don’t really want, as it marks the fact that I have very little time for each project, and ended up delegating my projects to my assistants. (Yes, now I have quite a huge number of human resources.) This perhaps is one thing I am really not used to, as I have almost reached the extent of not having a chance to design anymore, but overseeing their work, writing emails, coordinating the various assistants so that there is no duplication etc, though I know I can handle such task of delegating well by the grace of God, yet I dislike the idea of doing this, as I enjoy the process of isolating myself, being alone with my Shepherd, poring over my design, seeking for little breakthrough and innovative solution. The truth is I am already beginning to feel deprived of this since the day I have more assistants… Guess I really like to be a loner designer, and most of all, to be given sufficient time to explore…

Sorry for the diverse train of thoughts, back to the main theme, thanks to all of you dear ones out there, family, friends and colleagues, thanks for all the treats, the several cakes I received, the watch, toys, books, accessories, etc, but most of all the gift of your precious time during this season, the most precious gift to me is the wonderful time we spent together. Thanks beloved ones! Thanks, thank God for you all!

Mother and Son

Today I saw one of those most moving scenes on the train (why is it always on the train?). I saw a little boy, about 5 years of age, with his mom, standing by my side as the train was crowded. (Please do not ask why I did not give up my seat for the little boy as I was lazy.)

Apparently the mother of the little boy must have said something to him, which I missed as I was engrossed in my reading, maybe she mentioned that she was tired or sleepy, and the son said something that warmed my heart in that instant. He pointed at his tiny little shoulder, and told his mom to rest upon his shoulder. This did not take the mom by surprise, as she “obediently” stooped down and rest her head upon his shoulder, closed her eyes, pretending to sleep, I presume. What a beautiful moment!

It was not long that the mother opened her eyes, and the little boy who noticed this, turned to his mom, told her not to worry, as he would wake her up when they reached the station. I wished at that moment I was brave enough to capture this entire episode with my handphone, yet I can only remember this with my mind, as I was too shy.

As I recalled this incident I saw today, I began to wonder. Deep within the little boy, there must a desire that he wants to take care of his mom, and that he loves his mom deeply. Yet suddenly I saw another perspective, I suspect this mom must have done this countless times to her son, asking him to rest upon her strong shoulder, that made this little act of love almost like an everyday habit to this little boy, to want to do the same for his mom. I was moved. And as the train drew near to the next station, the mother opened her eyes, stood up, and both reached out to hold each other’s hand unconsciously, and walked out of the train.

I saw love manifested from the little boy to his mother, though I definitely must have missed those lovely scenes where the mom took care of the little boy, those countless sleepless nights, as she watched over him when he was afraid or sick, the time when she tried to feed him when he was younger, the time when she smiled at all those beautiful little kid’s clothes hanging at the departmental store, imagining his little boy wearing them, etc.

The little boy must have been brought up in an environment of unconditional love, that he wants to do the same for his mom, expressing his love for her in his little simple way. This also reminded me of another beautiful story, perhaps the most beautiful. Similarly, or rather much more, my Papa God, from the day I was born I believed, till now, He must have endlessly showers His great love upon me, even when countless times I failed to see Him. Yet now and then, there is always a desire to show a little of my puny love for Him, like the little boy in the story. His love so great makes me want to love Him more! I believe it is the same for you!

One Year Anniversary

If I did not remember wrongly, should be a year ago, on this special day that I created this blog, not sure for what purpose, but mainly out of curiosity and fun, also as a place to publish some of my cartoons, and expresses my thoughts. It's been a year, and how fast time flies! Thank you for all your support for the past year, and I am actually pretty amazed that there are slightly more than 2000 hits for the past year, knowing that many comes from a few very dear ones. Many things have happened over the year, I have bought a flat, moved house, recovered from a physical infirmity, settled into my job, went to Europe for the 1st time, started this blog, starts to write more and expresses more through word and never drew so much within a year! As a result, I think I have grown stronger, only in Him, and after seeing my own inability more and more through the year, I have become more dependent on Him as well. Also, I have begun to see life a bit differently, learning to let go, and trusting my Shepherd for the impossible, and yes, a year has passed. But for the new year ahead, I hope to take a long break, for once, decided to take on a more laid-back attitude, with the idea that my Shepherd will surely provide for me, even though I still have a loan to pay.

No special illustration for today, but a change in the banner for the blog, showing a set of my recent, relaxed sheep postures. I love all these little lamb illustrations, as each reminded me of a certain small and simple episode in my life that my Papa God has seen me through. Have a blessed week ahead, hope to post a cute illustration this weekend! Stay tune!

Emptiness

Everything went very smoothly for the past week, be it presentation or work, and indeed Papa God has always been very faithful to me, giving me great favour despite of my inability. All that I asked was answered and way beyond, yet a strange feeling lingered on the inside of me, despite of all the external success I see and experience, there are times I would fall into a sense of deep emptiness within, and this is it.

Why is it so? I pondered. Is it because of some “non success” in one of my projects? No, it seems. Is it because of disagreement at home at times, though very uncommon happening these days? No, it seems. Is it because a last minute planned holiday was suddenly disrupted? No it seems. Then what is it? I pondered.

I have many dreams in life, and many have come to pass by the wonderful grace of Papa God. Yet at times when such dreams were realized, emptiness filled my heart, and I realized that I have fallen into the trap of pursuing my dreams, though facing challenges with His strength, and almost quite routinely or religiously going to church, reading my beloved bible, listening to sermons, (though I enjoy all these activities and such time tremendously, in fact almost all the time I relished them as luxuries in my life, and I would not trade these for anything in this world), yet I suddenly realized I missed Him…., my Shepherd….

All is vanity, and a verse dawns on me, what shall it profit a man who gains the whole world but loses his soul? Yes, I think I know where the problem lies, I need some time with Him. For Lord, I know, this emptiness can only be dispersed by spending my time with you, and nothing else would satisfy, I am tired, a tiredness that cannot be dispersed by enough sleep or rest, but can only comes from You. I know not how, but You give me the boldness to take a holiday with You, Lord. Thank You Lord.

And dear ones, not to worry, I am fine, just a little hungry on the inside of me, and a little lonely though especially in a midst of the crowd, somehow sometimes we feel more lonely in a crowd of friends then when alone? Feel that way before? Yah, but I do miss a few friends out there, some we haven’t met for months, where are all my bible study friends? Wish to see more of you and have a wonderful lunch together, than any present you all are planning to buy for me. And if you all have been very busy for the past few months, hope you can spare to spend some time with our beloved Shepherd, for He misses you.

Holiday!

Just a few more days, and this blog would have entered it's first birthday, time really flies, how a year ago a crazy idea just came on me and I started this, as a mean to encourage myself to draw, and in fact, I had truly drawn, close to 80 number of illustrations have been published. The time spent drawing them was a time of reflection, enjoying the Shepherd, and a comfort to me, especially during those occasions when things did not seem to go very well. Now and then as I flipped through those illustrations, I could remember the stories behind them, and how many times the Lord has been ever so faithful. These illustrations have become my picture diary.

After two really hectic and almost crazy weeks, I took upon myself to make sure I had some good rest, with the double good news that the past week came with a public holiday on a Friday. Yet, I must be out of my normal mind that I actually signed up to help out with my church's game activity on a public holiday, a bit like the famous "Amazing Race" game show, but this one was based in Singapore and we were to travel by MRT. Instead of resting physically, I ended up with ache in my leg muscle. Despite of that, it was truly quite fun, getting to know more people (something I am always very shy in doing), and most of all, I felt almost like a kid again, away from the normal "hyper" serious work environment.

And for yesterday, I simply rest completely at home, watching TV, resting from the ache, do a bit of work and research, and end off the day having a family dinner at my brother's place, which I had not done for the past few weeks. The simple pleasure in life. And today being Mother's day, I had a simple dinner with my mom at a restaurant, though both of us were not very satisfied due to the long wait. Now as I look forward to the following week, I felt I have rested, all thank to my Shepherd, to face the week ahead, resting in His rest.

You too have a blessed week! Actually, I am a bit reluctant to publish today, as I felt like keeping today's illustration for another day, just in case I am too lazy to draw during "another day", yet then... This illustration is only suitable for today... And yes, I am looking forward for a wonderful day to have a simple rest away from the every day chore in life, just like the above illustration (which was inspired after watching the concert last Wednesday)... soon, very soon.

He Carries Me

A week of long working hours, from 9am to 1am, was finally over, and I felt despite of the apparent “hardship” of design, I thank my Shepherd for actually carrying me through it all. It was not exactly easy, a mixture of enjoyment, stress, under pressure, lack of sleep and confidence hit me throughout the week. The pressure was self-imposed, at times forgetting that I am just a little lamb whose task in life is just to follow the Shepherd, and all the while I was trying so hard on my own to build my dream, forgetting that Jesus is the only one who can fulfill a lifetime dream. Lord, only You, Lord.

When it was finally over last Wednesday, I was so tired, I felt I could almost sleep anywhere, yet I dragged myself to watch a concert that I have gotten the ticket earlier on, thinking that the likelihood of me sleeping through the concert was extremely high. The wonder of all wonders was, I came out of the concert, so refreshed, so awake (my Shepherd must have given me a super fast recharged), that I finished drawing 2 little lamb cartoons before I went off to bed on that same "awake" day (as it overshot into the next day technically speaking if based on proper calendar and time), and the above was just one of the two.

As I looked back, I wonder how I would ever have come through it all without Him. I wonder where did all the strength and energy came from to fulfill the insurmountable task? I wonder, but finally I cast it to Him to take charge, for unless He builds the house, I labour in vain, and yes, only Him alone I rest.

Just a short note today, thanks for all of you, dear ones, who have kept me in prayer during this time, and most of all thank You Lord, that You look beyond all my faults and short tempers, and continue to bless me and love me, for I have been made the righteousness of God through You, and You alone. Thank You.

In the Midst of the Storm

It’s been a busy week, working till past midnight for the past few days, not just myself but my assistants as well. Finally having a little time now, to do a bit of writing and blogging, I am able to pen down my struggles and thoughts for the past week.

The last week was not exactly easy, and I got to keep reminding myself that all tasks should be born out of rest. However, as the “dateline” draws closer, I felt my principle in life being constantly threatened (my vision of not going back to office to work during weekend), with my logical mind kept telling me how can I possibly finish my work without going back to office during the weekend? Even my assistant requested to go back to work on Saturday to finish it off, though I was really grateful to her suggestion, yet I insisted a strong “No”. Because deep within my heart, I knew, if I gave in to this principle of mine once, I will have no qualms of doing it again and again in future. You can say that I am stubborn (which my old friends used to say that of me) or in a better term, firm, yet I knew especially now, when I feel the pressure most, I must step back and let my dear Shepherd takes over, and enter into rest. All the more I should rest, and let all those working with me rest as well. For surely, my Lord shall provide a way out!

I also found myself bursting into short tempers towards my new assistant, for producing drawings that, to me, are not only unworkable and almost scary, and the result is me ended up not only correcting or rather “scolding” him, but I finished the drawings for him, as I gathered it would be much faster for me to do it myself than trying to explain to him again and again. And because of this, I felt really quite bad, even to the extent of feeling guilty for being angry and correcting him, after all, he is still quite new. I went into a state of self-condemnation, memories of the past flashed through my mind, reminding me how I disliked my first employer, who happened to be a female as well, and wanted so much to quit, and fearing that I might have become like her in some ways to my new assistant. Because it is often the female employer that is most scary. (I prayed to my Lord before that if in any case I become a boss or higher in position in future, never let me become like her, help me!)

Yet today, I am finally released from this self-condemnation, after hearing that my pastor corrects his staffs. Indeed, correction and rebuke is not exactly fun to go through, yet it would be wrong for not correcting when there is a mistake, therefore I shall stop condemning myself. For now, I pray that my Lord gives me wisdom to deal with my new assistant. Help! Let him find favour in my eyes. And let him works efficiently and not becomes my burden…. For he is supposed to be my assistant, my helper, and not my obstacle! Help!

And yes, over the struggle for an ideal design, we finally have a solution. Though at several points, I still felt perhaps we should have moved into another direction, yet I shall submit to my boss’s decision, after all, he is my boss. And while the design is set to be so, I shall commit it to the Lord, and pray that the design will find great favour with all, for I knew, unless the Lord builds the house, we labour in vain, and surely we need His divine intervention and great favour!

Finally, while in the midst of all these struggles, in the midst of the storm and overcast sky I am feeling, I knew that my Shepherd watches over me closely and surely His light is shining through the overcast sky on me, lighting up my path! My dearest Shepherd, thank you that you always watch over me jealously!