Struggles . Relationship . Life

This is a continuation of yesterday’s thought. Yes, I am struggling… been struggling for a few months with a young assistant of mine. Every now and then, I will ask myself why am I made to fall into such a situation when the assistant was not even employed by me, he was forced into my team when his supervisor left the office.

Pardon my prejudice here, guess this is one good place for me to vent a little of my frustration. I have come to the point of beginning to doubt myself, whether the way I am treating him was because of his poor working output, or it has already changed into a form of prejudice on my part, a judgment formed, that whatever he does tends to frustrate me, I am not sure. I can no longer differentiate the two, I am confused, who can deliver me from this?

I was so afraid of giving him any work to do, that I have decided to split the work between myself and my other assistants, until finally I was “reprimanded” by my other assistant, why is he still receiving a salary when he did so little (partly because I tend to have to redo whatever he does, I figured it might be better to do it myself), and make ourselves so miserable…. I pondered… sorry…

I also tend to ask others in my team to give him work to do, so that I do not have to. And the nasty me within, in fact rejoices when I saw the same frustration I faced happened to them, taking delight that I am not the only one, trying to justify myself for my misbehaviour, trying to alleviate my guilt and misery. The terrible me…. Lord, thank You that you love me just the way I am.

In fact, almost everyday, I am counting down to the day when he is leaving, because he would be leaving to further his study in September, I wish it can be tomorrow, I wish. To be honest, there are several times, I ask him maybe he should consider leaving earlier for his study in England, to get himself used to the new environment, trying very very hard to sound nice…. But somehow he doesn’t seem to get my hint… sigh! Help! I wish someone would forward this message to my boss… for him to take some action. I am tired, dealing with him… really tired.

I have come to the point of doubting myself, blaming myself, looking within myself, asking why am I such a person, not at all behaving like a Christian, respecting others like the way Christ does, I truly cannot, the harder I tried, the harder I fall, the angrier I am with him and with myself…. And my voice rises ever higher at him as the days go by! After that, I feel bad for behaving such. I have been pondering of even taking leave on the week that he is leaving so that I do not have to pretend to be nice while sending him away. Even if there is a farewell lunch, it would most probably be a celebration lunch deep within my heart… forgive me for my frankness…

And yes, that also half explains the illustration above. As I was thinking of the friends for the little lamb, I decided that its good friends will be the elephant and the giraffe, my favourite animals in the zoo. I love the elephant, much as it is big, it always look so kind and gentle, perhaps of its slowness. I love the giraffe because it itself is so cute, almost a joke in nature, with such long neck, but ever so adorable, almost elegant and very colourful. Yet despite of it all, they can live peaceably, though the elephant has to be careful, not to stamp on the little lamb, and the giraffe has to look out for its lowly friend. Yes, in other word, in all relationships, tolerance is important, something that always cripples me because I have little patience… Guess after the above incident, my fruit of longsuffering would have gotten so big! In life, such incidents do happen… I wish it is the last though…

My Shepherd, you will see me through this all! Let there be a miracle!