Too Heavy . Little Lamb Pte Ltd

Since end of last week, there seems to be a dark cloud looming over my head, and a heavy heart I carried throughout the week, creating traumatic waves to my assistants, I am sorry, I apologized. The sudden activation of 2 projects, the daunting impossible “datelines” that my boss promised the clients and a seemingly lost of a beloved job, all these overwhelming workload and disappointment trouble me, looking at myself, my limited resources, I am hurting, unable to produce, unable to do anything, as my mind is troubled. I hated all the administrative work I am doing, I just wanted to design. I was caught in a web of jealousy, over my capable assistant, the opportunity of him to just concentrate on design. Despite his offer to help me, I know it is not appropriate to pass on the administrative work to him, because I would still have to check and perhaps “redo”, knowing precisely his capability is in design, not in administration. And if I pass on my design workload to him, what is left of me? Just a shell… doing hateful stuff, writing letters, checking and meeting “datelines”, meeting clients, writing report, but no design. I am frustrated, annoyed, at being forced to do things I hated. For a few days, I felt I have fallen into a deep pit. Even when it is finally time to do design, it is already past office hours, crossing over the public holiday. And my troubled mind and a heavy heart simply cannot work anymore.

I prayed for a miracle, out of my own effort, I wrote a long email to my boss. I hated the feeling of my feeling being manipulated by my circumstances. I thought I have already been free of external elements, suddenly I realize I am just as vulnerable as before, only my Lord Jesus can help me. Listening to my pastor’s recent sermon about the feeding of the 5000, I identified with Jesus’ disciples, Philip and Andrew, one looks at his own limited resources, while the other looks to the tremendous need around. I am caught. I am Littlelamb Private Limited. Yet I took courage, that Jesus did not look at their unbelief, He still worked out a miracle. I realize miracle does not depend on my faith, but on Him, and Him alone. Lord Jesus, I look to You, and You will not put me to shame. I am tired. I hated this cycle of having to do things I hated. Thoughts of running away emerges again and again and again…

Yet, this episode brings me to one thing, I realize I am simply nothing without Him. My tireless trying suddenly made me realize that I have unknowing fallen into the trap of self-effort, trying to please man, the hateful rat race that I always hated. I don’t want to be the No. 1 Rat. I have decided, who cares, so what if I cannot meet the “datelines”? Yet the so called “responsibility” ME keeps haunting me down… However, I have decided “who cares”!

The above illustration came to me at the moment I woke up this morning, after I read my assistant’s blog, it troubled me last night. I realized I am quite influential, even when I kept totally silent, I am still capable of moving external mountains with my inward troubled feeling. I am sorry, I am really overwhelmed with the administrative workload.

In fact, the above illustration is supposed to be 2 comic strips, the first strip, with the 1st frame showing a lamb with a heavy load, then in the 2nd frame the elephant came to help. After the writing is done, the 2nd strip will appear, with the 1st frame showing a lamb with a heavy load, and in the 2nd frame showing the Shepherd removing the load off the lamb’s back. Which means in actual fact, the Shepherd sent a help through the elephant to help the lamb. Anyway, due to my laziness, I combined the 2 strips into 1, therefore the above.

Finally, I know my breakthrough is coming. And I know all along, good design only comes to me when I am in a peaceful state, hearing from Him. Lord, remove all the cluttered thoughts from my mind, move me into the state of peace. And only You alone, when I am weak, You are strong, I am nothing without You. Move me on…. Thanks Lord, I know You have already done so.