A Much Needed Rest

I have not been very consistent in writing my blog for the past 3 weeks or so, mainly due to work. When was the last time I reached home before 9pm on a weekday? As far as I could remember, I must have worked to about 10pm almost every night, with many things to clear, problems to solve, and new designs to think, some are really fun but some are really "drags". Yet so many things have happened over the week, and I have very little time to reflect on them, except the very precious time I have on my way to work and home on the train. This is my treasured time of solitude, as I cherish and enjoy every moment of it, most of the time. Yet I think I may have unconsciously offended some colleagues, as they seem wanting to strike a conversation with me when they met me on our way walk to office, but i just simply smiled and asked them to move on without me. Because this time is too precious for me to share with anyone else, except with the Lord. This little time I have, gives me strength for all the challenges I will face for the rest of the day.

Yet, despite of all this intermittent rest, I think I will soon retreat to take a much needed rest, a wonderful, body restoring, mental renewing, spiritual uplifting rest, especially now that I have entered into my sixth year of working life, I felt I would want to take a small step of faith by the end of this sixth year, as I step into the seventh year in September/October this year, to take a break, what people called sabatical break. I think maybe only pastors practise this, but why not us as well? I am not asking for a full year break but just a couple of months, about 2 to 3 months, and I believe that my Papa God will provide for all my needs, as I take His principle of rest literally, for His principle always work. The eagle needs to take time to renew its feathers, its youth, so that it can soar higher and further. This is my dream for this year.

Just a sidetrack, I have finally gotten my laptop last weekend after I have talked about it for almost half a year in my blog, and you will be surprised to know that, I have barely touched it for more than 2 hours since I bought it. To be honest, I am a desktop person, and I hardly am well versed in laptop, perhaps touching one only at presentation, even with the help of other colleagues to set it up for me, although many friends thought that I am an IT savvy person. Do pardon my ignorance, I did not know that a laptop could be so hot when operating, that I immediately called up my niece to verify since she has just gotten hers 2 months earlier. It was so hot I believe it could boil an egg. Yet, I am not afraid, because I have gotten a 3 year warranty free for the package, all thank to Papa God!

Another small piece of good news is the estate that I am staying is now having repainting works, which to me is great. It seems to me that finally the exterior of the flat that I am staying is lining with the interior of my flat. My flat is almost like new, until you step out of my door. Yet one month down the road, everything will look almost brand new, thank You Papa God, for the apt timing.

Thanks for listening to all my tiny fragments of thought here and there, not much related to one another, but just simple updates of what's going on in my natural life. Despite of the tiredness I feel right now, mainly due to work, I am still very happy and blessed, for He has given me a hope to live every day of my life to the fullest, and He does not disappoint. Cheers!

A Simple Story

Not sure if you remembered that I was reading a book called “Grace Awakening” by Charles R. Swindoll previously. I had finished it more than a month ago, yet there are several pages in the book that I left a folded little corner, that when time is appropriate I hope I can write about it. The book has left a deep impression on me, of great value that I believe I would always find it useful now and in future.

There is this little story I read in the book. A prominent artist went to his daughter’s house for tea. His little granddaughter misbehaved and was made to stand in a corner with her face facing the wall. The grandfather did not interfere with her discipline, but the next day, he arrived with his painting equipment, and painted a kitten chasing its tail, lambs in the field, goldfish swimming on the wall. This was in case she was punished again in future, she would have something to look at. This is just a very weak demonstration of our Papa God’s gracious nature, He may discipline us, but He never turns His back on us, and He certainly has something beautiful in store for us, even when times seem difficult, because of our own doings, He will still cause everything to be beautiful.

This reminded me of another very small account that happened today, and may still happen time and again in future. I had a little homework to do today, that is, to visit a few showflats to do some research for my work, and my good friend had kindly accompanied me and offered me lifts to all the destinations I had planned. In the midst of the visit, perhaps there was a tiny almost unnoticeable disagreement, about our individual viewpoints towards design, etc. (We had very scholarly discussion when together most of the time….) Perhaps a very, very short moment of unease was felt. Today, while I picked up the same book I quoted the story above, I flipped through the folded pages, I noted another area that moved me tremendously the last time I read it, “even the godly will sometimes disagree….I soon discovered that there were not only various opinions on the same subject, but that God has the audacity to bless those who disagreed with me….God reserves the right to use people who disagree with me”, but the most significant passage was “God is not nearly so narrow as many of His people are. I find that God is much easier to live with than most of His followers…far more tolerant, certainly full of more grace and forgiveness than all of us are.” And suddenly I was reminded again, in many disagreements each side is also valid, and let us agreed to disagreed.

I learnt a lot through the years. I used to be so stubborn, unwilling to hear the other side of the story, insisting on the fact that I must always be right, though I may still be right, the other party may not be wrong either. I could still remember those days when my friends try to show me the beautiful redemptive work of Christ to me, and how I would argue with them, even to the extent of challenging them with extreme difficult questions, holding on to the fact that I knew and read the bible before, to find questionable stories and events to “laugh” and even question them. Yet who is to believe that several years down the road, I would be standing in their situation facing people of the same sort as I am.

In fact, today, I sort of stumble as to what to write, wanting to actually write my views on the different approach to design (I would still discuss this very dry topic one day in future, as it is getting more and more interesting as I discovered in the bible how Papa God approaches design). But now, I ended up almost writing a book review, sharing some precious values that I hold dearly in my heart these days, and yes, when I meet people I may disagree at work etc, I know that at the end of the day, we are still friends, work is just work, and yes, I am still not there yet, but I know I am in His hand, imitating my Shepherd, indeed He is more gracious and forgiving than most of His followers!

Simple Weekend

I am not ashamed to say, I am into gadgets, almost a fanatic, and I actually enjoy reading reviews of new IT gadgets. The above is one of my toys I bought more than a year ago, just only 6 months after I bought my first digital camera. And yes this camera has been faithful to me, serving me for my job's need, running to several places overseas with me. But most of all, it has captured many of my most unforgettable moments for the last year, especially times I spent with my family, such as Christmas, Chinese New Year, my mom's birthday, or for no special occasion but to just capture those special moments of delights we all had together as a family. I am the photographer for my family.

It's finally Saturday today, a day I had been looking forward to. I was pretty caught up with work for the past week and I finally have a little time now to indulge in this small luxury of penning my thoughts. I love simple weekend like today. I took a little time in the morning to oversleep till about 10am, before I reluctantly dragged myself up, after seeing carpets in my dream just before I awoke. I must have been so caught up with presenting the selection of carpets to my client the day before that I had such dream, this is the "ills" of my profession.

In the late morning, I spent some precious time with my sister, shopping at the nearby shopping centre after we had our favourite breakfast at Ah Kun Toast. And then I spent 2 to 3 hours in the afternoon reading comics, finishing 2 books! As time drew nearer to the late afternoon, all my brothers and sister-in-laws, most nieces and nephews, except for one, came and we all had a nice simple dinner together.

Now, I am finally all alone at home, while all of them have either gone home or went to my brother's place for a time of some games together. I love tranquil moment like now, time of solitude, spending some time alone, and yet not alone, but with my Lord, counting my blessings. I am truly blessed. This life of simplicity I treasured. I love the time together with my family, I love the time being alone. I enjoy my life.

Often, several times a week, I would look around my little flat and I begin to thank the Lord for this little abode I live in. I thank Him for my family, so full of unselfish love for one another. I thank Him for a wonderful place of worship where I am reminded of His love for me every week. I thank Him for friends that surround me in time of joy and laughter, and in time of needs. I thank Him for a job that I enjoy doing (most of the time). I thank Him for life, for the ability to see, hear, feel, touch and taste. But most of all, I thank Him for giving me hope to live, a promise of a wonderful future, an eternity to be spent together with Him. I am thankful, I am glad. And yes, I have captured many of these unspeakable joyous moments into little images with my camera, to remind myself time and again, that indeed I am blessed, I am truly fortunate to be loved by Him.

More than Winners

Another weekend has come and gone, and what awaits me is a brand new day in a couple of minutes away. Perhaps by the time this journal is posted, it is already the brand new day. Truly it was a busy week, and what is before me is yet another busy week with several “datelines”, and I am really grateful to Papa God, He has kept true to me, to my resolution on 19022006.

Yet for the last week, it has not been an easy week for a few of my dear ones, and after watching tonight’s Superhost on Channel U, for the contestants as well, I supposed. That is why I have posted the above image, that we little lambs of the Lord, are the most fortunate, we can always take refuge in His presence, for He stands before every wave and trouble that comes before us. (The above image was inspired by a song during worship.)

In life, we face challenges, and there are occasions, I can’t say that it is many, but it does happen, at that precise moment when unfortunate circumstances happen, such as injustice seems to triumph, that we feel adamant towards it, and yet not able to do anything about it, we feel extremely frustrated, as if we want to take matter into our own hands, almost to the extent of taking revenge.

I just witnessed such an incident a while ago. My mom and I were just having a good time watching the Superhost. We noted one talented competitor, and undoubtedly, he scored the highest and won the praise of one of the judges. We were almost so sure that he was to win the competition, when at the last moment of announcing the winner, an unexpected competitor turned out to be the champion, not that she put in an exceptional performance, but she won in the general voting by the viewers. It was really sad to watch, and we could not bring ourselves to rejoice with the winner. We felt great injustice actually performed right in front of us. This was perhaps one of those really rare occasion that I saw my mom being “angry” and frustrated with the show, that she said if she knew anyone from the papers, she would definitely complain, and she was trying to instigate me to write an email to complain about the final result. (And I guess this is the best I can do, to post her frustration on my blog.) It was sad, nothing to rejoice, but a heart that regretted having watched such a dumb show, as if we were cheated of our precious time, watching an episode of injustice performed on stage.

That brought me to another episode that my dear friend is facing. She must have felt extremely sad and disappointed, angry and frustrated even, for being accused of things that she has never done, and there seems to be no one upholding justice for her. I felt angry and frustrated too. Friend, cheer up, I know without a shadow of doubt that all things will always work together for good for we are His beloved! And vengeance belongs to the Lord! Just put our trust in Him, man! Surely, I believe with all my heart, that when one door is closed, it is closed for our good, and another door will definitely be opened for us. Be assured, He stands before all our troubles! And my nieces, don’t be afraid, you have stepped out in faith on new journeys in lives, entering into new phases of life that you have never really experienced before, yet I know with all my heart, He is there with you, as you step into the “unknown”, He will reveal His faithfulness to you, even when we are faithless, He remains faithful.

A while ago, I also had a chat with my niece over MSN, and that is when she reminded me that, for so many of those past competitions such as Singapore idols, etc, it is almost always the runner up that is better, and finally outshine the winner later on in life. And yes, after reflecting on that, that is so true, the runner up may end up being the real winner finally, at the end of the day, several years down the road. So nothing is final yet, we are still in the race, and no one knows who is the final winner, only Him, for He is the one who writes our stories, and truly, He makes us more than conquerors! Jia You!

(Sorry, this journal sounds a bit preachy, friends, forgive me! I just hope to encourage a few of my dear ones!)

TV Addict?

Suddenly, I have this funny image in my mind today, seeing a lamb forming part of a TV, seems very much like a self-portrait cum self-ridiculed. (Hope you take delight in the cartoon above and cheer up your day!) I am a TV addict, since a kid, though now the situation is getting better. It has improved simply because I am busier these days. In the past, I could simply just throw down everything, and rush home just to catch a show. But with the advancement of technology and the invention of dvd players, etc, now I can watch almost any show at my own pace (usually even faster than cableTV, I could even be 1 or 2 years ahead of time in terms of dramas I watched).

Why the sudden mention of this? I love to watch Korean dramas, but only those with great wonderful happy endings. (I don't usually know or read the synopsis, but I have a friend who is even faster than me, and she usually give me a hint of the endings.) And in fact, I have been wanting to explain why I like Korean dramas the most, as compared to Japanese, English, Taiwanese and even Hongkongers' dramas.

Most, sad to say, not all, Korean dramas are very family oriented, though the main themes of the story could be love or friendship. It exalts simple yet powerful values such as filial piety, friendship, faithfulness, perseverance, love, which used to be common themes in most Chinese dramas in the past. Yet, nothing beats a light hearted, hilarious drama that made you laugh till you cry!

I have watched countless number, and perhaps the most impactful, most lasting one would be the show "Fullhouse"! It was hilarious, and there was hardly any moment that allows boredom to crept in. As far as I could remember, I may have watched it 3 or 5 times, and I still enjoyed it.

Still, why the sudden mention of dramas? This is a pretty busy week for me, yet having make the resolution in the last journal, I am determined by His grace to keep to it. As a form of allowing my mind to rest, other than reading, is to watch a really cool, funny drama, and that was what I did for the past 2 weeks, after a long day at work. I had just finished the drama (Super Rookie), not that it is as good as "Fullhouse", but it is still a very good drama, the simplicity of the hero in the drama, someone always being regarded as an underdog, someone who does not seem to amount to anything due to his lack of qualification etc etc. Yet at every difficulties, he was able to come through the fire, with no smell of smoke, and yet at the same time, able to save and forgive those who hurt him in the process of the office rat race, climbing all over him. He became the most unlikely hero! The whole show put together 2 totally different personalities, one who is smart, intelligent, trying with all his might, by hook or by crook, trying his best to climb the corporate ladder, while the hero, simply by being himself, sincere, though not smart, almost by grace, won and overcome every obstacle that came across his path! I enjoyed the show, the childlikeness of the hero, perhaps, just as much as I love the show "Forrest Gump".

Yes, indeed, I am learning, to become a child again. Did I ever mention to you that I learn a lot and receive great revelations about life and most of all, about my Shepherd, from the dramas I watched?

19022006

Something has been on my mind for a long time, perhaps for years even, and only a few days ago, I have finally determined to set a "resolution" this year, 2006 as the year to experiment what I thought I always believed. In fact, today, I marked this special date on my blog calendar in a form of an illustration to remind myself of what I have decided. (I never liked to set resolution but this will be an exception, as the only one who can keep it would have to be my Shepherd.)

For the longest time, I have noted a pattern in my life, and it seems to prove true for others as well, as I examined others' lives too. I must have related my own little story of how I struggled in school in the university, not able to meet my own expectation of myself, and how I struggled at designing, it seemed that the harder I tried, the further away I was from success, the more I struggled, the harder it seemed.

Yet through the years, I also noticed that there are many times when I have finally given up, or when I am in an extreme relaxed posture, that all of a sudden, designing becomes effortless, a joy, even as a surprise that I found myself in, thrilled by what has been produced in the process, and that the design is accomplished within a very very short time, so little is the time spent as compared to the amount of effort and time used when struggling. This happens several times in school in the latter years and also when I finally started working. And every now and then, I am always waiting for that sudden moment, when I feel as if something has dropped into my heart, a sudden spur of creativity and inspiration that comes from somewhere within my heart, and yet deep down within me, I knew it is from above. However, there are also many times, where that did not happen and I stayed in a state of struggle.

I am not sure if you can understand what I mean, but perhaps it is more commonly felt by those who are in fields such as music, art, film or literature. However, I felt that no matter which occupation you may be in, you should be able to understand what I am trying to explain, for most people should have experienced something of this sort in their lives.

Recently, I also visited a couple-artists/friends' place, when they showed us their art works. And I noted that deep within the conversations while they are trying to explain to us the works, there was a sense of great joy. Yet in the midst of it, I caught something, I noted that the artist mentioned he was very happy painting this series of works, as it was such a flow. That was the key word, such a flow!

I know what I was looking for, a flow, a simple, smooth and yet powerful flow, when designing, and when that design is out, you know that you know that "this is it!". It does not seem to come always, but it does come. And it only happens when I am in the most relaxed mood, most joyous and peaceful moment. Not to say that design does not come when one is not relaxed or not joyous, one can still design but there is a sense of emptiness in the design, a feeling that something better than this one can be sought after still.

Therefore, what did I determine after such a long essay? I shall not elaborate too much as it is pretty personal, between the Lord and I, but I can reveal this a little, only for the area of my work, I determine from 19022006, (or 20022006 when I actually go back to office tomorrow), from this day forth for this year, I take it as an experiment, that whenever I am in a struggle to trying to produce a design, I shall stop totally, draw back into the Lord a little, to find rest, to find back that peace that is always residing on the inside of me, no more fretting and no more worries, in other words, don't waste time! What do I mean by this? It means "don't bother to design anything or try as hard as possible to design, when I am in a fearful mood or when I am worried!" "Datelines" shall not be my guide anymore, but the peace within, and I hope by the end of this year, I can write a good report of this experiment, and what it has done to my life. No more fret! Unless the Lord builds the house, we labour in vain! If you don't mind, why not join me in this experiment as well for this year! He will surely prove Himself faithful as we all determined not to be troubled!

My Baggy Business Continued...Final Episode

I am on medical leave today, just a little redness in the eye since yesterday. (Actually I am so well and healthy, able to walk and run, I can even go shopping if not for the fact that I would be abusing my medical leave which was meant for resting, I just didn’t feel like working in a dry air-conditioned office staring into the computer for 8.5 hours, anyway, I hope my boss would not happen to read this, but then, shopping to me is a form of resting too!) Come to think of it, for several occasions for the past 3 years, when I was on medical leave, I still dragged my feet to work due to all the “datelines”, thus I thought might as well give myself a break today since I am officially given a day off by my doctor.

Despite of the slight discomfort, I am extremely thrilled and happy since yesterday, remember my journal “my baggy business”? I didn’t like to end that episode without giving any idea as to what happen to my dream bag, so here it is, my humble attempt. From then till yesterday, I came across another bag which was much to my liking, but as my habit is, I would let it stay for a few days, and if I still like it, I would then go and buy. This is another of such a bag, as the price is again beyond $40 even after a rather huge discount, so need careful thinking, to consider whether the bag is of more value than my parting with my money. Anyway, it stayed on my mind, and I went to get it, and much to my dismay, it was gone again! Finally, after gathering enough courage, I asked the sale assistant if I could get it anywhere else, as this was terrible to have such similar happenings occurring to me twice within 1 month!

The sale assistant was really helpful, checking out with the main office, explaining to me that they have taken that design back to the warehouse, and it would be available in the following week at one of the branch only. With a little disappointment in my heart, I ventured to ask, then the “SALE” will be over by then, and she affirmed me that there might be a better deal then, however, she sort of instructed me to go to that branch preferably on Monday. And that was what I did yesterday, even when my site meeting ended really late, I still went to take a look. And you know what? Papa God answered me way beyond my wildest imagination, even in such a small, insignificant situation as to a bag! All the bags at that branch, regardless of size, shape and colors, were selling at $15 each! That brand of bags was never so cheap before, even when it was still not that well known a few years ago as compared to now! I was overwhelmed, touched, beyond words of what the Lord had done for me. I could have gotten 3 bags with the same price I had to pay a few days ago! So I shared the unspeakable joy with all my nieces, sister and mom, buying a total of 5 bags and 2 blouses in the end, all for less than $100.

And you know what? Now, whenever I look at that bag, I am reminded again of how man’s disappointment can turn out to be God’s appointment, and how all things will always work together for good for those whom He loves! (I am no longer mad about that bag I like in the previous episode, so I am glad I didn’t get it.) And this new bag I have gotten will always be a reminder of His love, of how much my Lord, my Shepherd loves me, and that He is my Shepherd, I shall not want (which means I shall not suffer lack or be in want). Thank You, my dearest Lord and Shepherd, You answer way beyond all I could ever imagine or think! And yes, Blessed Valentine’s Day! The greatest Lover, my Lord!

Reunions

As a family, we always celebrate my mom's birthday based on the Chinese lunar calender, as her birthday falls on the 15th day of Chinese New Year, making it an extraordinary occasion to celebrate. We have a wonderful family reunion dinner today (brought forward a day as Saturday is much preferred than Sunday for all family members). Making up of an extended family of 18 persons (plus 2 more if we would include all our domestic helpers), we require 2 tables. Not a fanciful expensive dinner, just a simple meal at the "zhi2 cha4" stall (those stall that sell dishes such as hor fun and seafood, etc) near our place. Definitely it wasn't the food that matters the most, but the wonderful time of bonding we all experienced in the process. My mom is very thrifty and not very particular about food, therefore where we eat, or the ambience of the place whatsoever, does not really matter much to her, but what matters most to her is that she enjoys the presence of her family, get to see her children and grandchildren coming together, having dinner with her, for I know my mom, the traditional Chinese woman, where family matters more than anything to her, even more than her own life, I believe.

I also had a wonderful time of catching up with some old friends whom I knew for 13 years, university classmates cum church pals, today as well. Just a simple cosy lunch, lots of catching up and chatting, encouraging one another, and plenty of jokes to share. When was the last time? I could not remember and I felt a bit nostalgic, and yes, I am looking forward to the next catching up/encouraging session. Friends, we should meet up often, don't you think so? At least twice a year, and please consider my proposal, our superband competition and holiday together next year!

Come to think of it, I have another session of catching up tomorrow at an artist-cum-church friends' place, to take a look at their new art works, not that we are the "arty" type of persons or has a taste to appreciate art, I felt that we are just finding every occasion to catch up with one another, to have a good time fellowshipping, and yes, I am really looking forward to it.

Another one came to my mind suddenly, I think I have another such session next Saturday, meeting friends from secondary school, friends I knew for close to 20 years. Amazing, how time flies! My old secondary school friends, are you all keen to join us next Saturday?

In fact, since end of last year, I just had this warm feeling that this year would be a year for me to catch up with many old friends, friends that once matter a lot to me in my life, friends that had and are still playing a great part in my life, be it in the form of encouragement, love, fun, and through troubled times. And yes, how those beautiful faces of my friends brought back such keen wonderful, lovely memories of the past, thanks pals, for being there in my lives, you all are great! You all are wonderful, lovely presents, wrapped in different packaging by the Lord for me, and yes, forgive me for being pretty busy for the past few years, yet you all will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you, Thank God for you. Let's meet up more often, not for anything else, but to find comfort and encouragement in one another, reminding one another how much we are loved by the Lord! And yes dear friends, have a blessed week ahead! And thanks for dropping by! Some things are better expressed in written words rather than spoken words, such as now, for I am a bit shy (whether you believe it or not).

My dad

The celebration of Chinese New Year has slowly quieted down, life is almost back to normal, with a little lethargic added, after all the festive goodies and lazing around at home, wanting to do nothing, absolutely nothing. Almost every year about this time, we would visit a Christian columbarium, where my dad’s ashes are placed. Not that he is there, but just part of our Chinese culture, perhaps, though we know that he is now in heaven with the Lord, we would still bring some fresh flowers there, to pay respect.

This is not going to be a short journal; I can foresee it, as this is no easy, simple task to write. I have wanted to write my dad’s story for the longest while, though I have limited knowledge of it, plus many memories that were not appropriate to mention. I had a good time of chatting with my mom yesterday morning, getting as much information as I can from her.

My dad, the eldest of 10 children, did not have the easiest of time in life. After finishing primary school education, wanting to move on for further studies, he was forced to start working and help support his huge family. Yet, he had a strong desire for learning, and he continued to pursue his studies in night classes while working in the day. As far as I could remember, even when he was pretty old, he was always either reading newspapers or books, books that seemed so “deep” to the “shallow” me.

Working in a trading company, (sort of a middleman, buy in goods to sell to local shops etc), he supported his family with the meager salary he received. At the age of 19, he and my mom married, and with several kids coming along through the years, the burden increased, and perhaps, the desire to break free from poverty lying deep within his heart, he started his own business finally, in the trade that he was most familiar, at the age of about 34. That was when I was born, and when our family began to do a little better in life, after also having moved out of my grandpa’s place.

Yet, life was not as smooth sailing as one would suppose, not that his business was not doing well, but trusting in the wrong person in his business venture, his business finally failed, after several years of good success, and perhaps due to tremendous pressure and stress as a result, he also fell ill of health, that he was almost given up to die, with heart failure. However, miracle did and still happens, he was given a second chance to live, though then having kidney problem, he lived on for several few years, knowing the Lord, in fact after the entire family gotten to know the Lord as well.

Perhaps, the part where I am most familiar with is that I have a dad who spoilt me the most among all the children, maybe because I am the youngest, 11 years apart from my youngest older brother. He showered his love on me, with lots of toys, perhaps to make up for the little time for the family, as most of the time he was travelling oversea working.

However, as and when he was free, he would as much as possible, drove me to school after we all had a bakuteh breakfast in town. And during special occasion, the entire family would go fishing, or feasting. Yet what I could remember, one of the fondest memories I had is, my dad loved to sing. (Perhaps that explains why several of my siblings love singing as well, and we sing quite well too, by the grace of God.) He would have his children seated by his side, and he would start singing a line of a song, or hummed a tune, and we would either continue the song, or guess the title of the song. And if we got it right, we would be rewarded with some pocket money. And that was really pretty fun, even right to the time when he was blessed with grandchildren, this game was still commonly practiced among us, with the grandchildren involved in the game as well.

Yet, there were times, when I see my dad in his latter years, I could almost see a false sense of worthlessness he must have felt, maybe because he became dependent on his family then. Perhaps he was unable to support the family. Perhaps he felt he did not fulfil his duty as a husband or a father well, perhaps... A sense of loneliness even, and condemnation crept in slowly, eating him up.

I cannot say my dad is the greatest or the “bestest” dad in the world, but I am glad I have him in my life, though to be honest, I was often in disagreement with him when I was young. Yet, I am thankful to the Lord that He found both of us, my dad and I, in fact my entire family, and has given us new lives in Him, and I am really, really thankful for that.

Next month would be the time when he left us to be with the Lord, after 6 years. I could not remember what he was like the very moment he passed away, as I was not by his bedside, one of my “greatest regret” in life. Though I visited him in the hospital then, almost everyday for a couple of hours, I was not able to be there with him for the entire day, being split between rushing my final thesis project, then being in the last month of my university education, the only project that will determine whether I passed or not. I was really hoping he could see that I finally graduated, after more than 1 year of deliberating whether to continue with my design study or not.

Life has moved on and we have come out of it slowly, without our knowing. At times, we still missed him, yet I thank my Lord who always comforts us, and He amazes me, letting me know that my dad is never again feeling condemned, and sick, but forever dwells in the wonderful presence of God in heaven, forever healthy and young. My dearest Lord and he are watching us with love from heaven. Meanwhile, cherish those loved ones you have with you now, the best gift for them is your time with them.

Eagle

Eagle is a bird that we are often being described as in the bible, though it always seems so “unattainable” to me. It soars, it doesn’t struggle to stay afloat. It is independent, magnificent, king of all birds, fearless and courageous, sharp and alert, live long (for bird's standard) and always young. Is that what I am? Many a times I wonder when I ponder on those verses in the bible. Chances are I tend to see myself (not to mention you too) more like a “grasshopper” rather than an eagle. Seeing myself as a sheep is easy to me, as a sheep does nothing but just simply follows the shepherd or let the shepherd carries it. Yet being an eagle was always an ideal, a dream in my mind, not a reality.

Most of the time, I am not so much bothered by what others think of me than what I think of myself. I am not perfect, never was, and never will be so long as I am still alive on this planet earth, and I am glad close friends accept me just the way I am, being ever so accommodating and forgiving, and most important of all, the Lord He accepts me the way I am. Yet, recently, time and again, I was very disturbed by one particular remark made, that I am very “efficient”, expressed to me in different manners. This word “efficient” was never my aim, and I for a moment was wondering if this “efficient” as what people said about my manner of working becomes a stumbling block to my working with others, if my one minded work attitude is a problem, then my Lord, please change me, make me not so.

Yet the image of the eagle was brought to my mind several times in a row this week, all thank to the Lord, who always comfort us, and leads us into triumph. my dearest Shepherd reminded me, He was the one who has lengthened my day, stretch the day for me, which is my prayer, and I almost forgot. He is the one that is ever so faithful, perhaps if one thing that I did right, or there is any need for any doing in the grace of God, is that I always give Him the first moment of my time everyday, and He multiplies the rest of the day for me, that allows more things to be done in a shorter time, and yet to have leftover time for bible study in the evening and with my family, this is my prayer and one main aim in life almost every single day. It is never me that is fast, and it is not a curse for being efficient, but a blessing from Him, He reminded me. I shall stop condemning myself, and appreciate myself for the way He has made me.

Therefore, yes, I know I shall mount up with wings like eagles, I shall run and not be weary, I shall walk and not faint, because I shall be carried by the air current that He provides to soar. And yes, I am sure, at least within myself, I never attempted to be efficient, just a simple prayer everyday I have, Lord, be my wisdom, and cause all that I do to prosper and more time with You, Lord and my family and friends. Just very simple agenda in life everyday. And yes, I shall be changed, shall be transformed, not by my self-effort anyway, as it will never be successful, but by beholding Him, and He alone can do it! And you too! You are an eagle as well, just believe!

And have a blessed Chinese New Year with your loved ones!

(And yes, I brought work home to do, I didn't want to spend next week doing lots of overtime, and I am determined to get all done before Chinese New Year, in other word, to finish it today. And my Shepherd is ever so faithful, I have almost finished visualising one out of 2 projects in my mind last night, for unless the Lord builds the house, I labour in vain, He stays faithful even when I am faithless! Lord, one more to go!)

Design Machine

Pardon me this once for indulging in my little earthly thought today, I promise I will post something that's life lifting before Chinese New Year. If you are tired, please withhold from reading this until you are stronger, and if you are already strong, remember to keep me in prayer. Have you ever felt drained of all your "brain juice"? And you felt absolutely tired and "worn out", after you have intensively search for something within? Though you are sincerely and totally dedicated to do a good job, but you seems to be totally helpless and inability to attain it? I felt this way these couple of days.

But I am truly thankful to Papa God, I was given a forced break today, as I promised my colleagues from oversea, to bring them around Chinatown, and I am usually a woman of my word. If not for this, I would have most likely stayed overtime in office, during this wonderful festive season, "slogging" to find a design. Not that it is difficult to produce something, but it is difficult to do the same thing and yet produce something different all the time, a slight breakthrough, for every design, that lies the difficulty. There are times I really felt so tempted to just modify a previous design slightly and reuse it. I am tired.

There are several times I felt like I am a design machine. All one has to do is to type in one's request and then press "print" and here it goes, the design is ready. Perhaps that is how I felt I was being treated, as if there will not be any "running out of paper", or "no ink" message printed on the screen all the time. I felt especially so recently, (and it is taking longer to print these days) and I am really tempted to send out the signal "please replace ink". I think I am really tired.

I think this machine need some oiling to do. This machine needs to go for upgrading soon, for it has almost reached its limit. And I strongly think this machine is ready to let go, cos it really knows what matters, it has to be used based on the manufacturer's handbook. Once abuse, or overuse, it wears out very quickly. The machine does not dislike what it does or its function, just that it felt it is time to go back to the manufacturer's factory for some servicing and changing of parts. And I think the Creator wants it back, as He want it to take a break, to allow Him to restore it to its original state or even better, as good as new. And yet this time, the Creator would also like it to spend a little time with Him, to teach it it's actual method of working, based on His manual, no overwork. I am tired.

Thank Papa God for this wonderful festive season, the 2 extra days of break really would make a great difference to the machine, a time to rest, (though never seem enough), to catch up with other machines of other functions, and most of all with its family. Yet, deep within its heart, it has a fear, it is afraid it has to work over the long break, in the midst of the wonderful season when everyone is resting, it has to bring stuff home to do. I am tired.

Perhaps, it should consider changing its function totally, from a design machine to.... I am not totally sure yet, perhaps it is also time for it to ask its Creator. So far I think it still likes what it does, but just a little tired, just a little lack of creativity, and most important of all, just a need to rest upon the Creator for its total strength and renewal, stop abusing itself from overwork. And I think I also heard the Creator calling it to come and enjoy Him, let it be, cos the world will still continue spinning even if it can't produce for this while, let it be.

And I think it is really time for the machine to take a break, a break..., let it be.
Thank you Lord Jesus for ever being so understanding. Let it be. For He is all that matters.

Recently, I heard a beautiful old hymn "As the deer", and a mental picture was formed. Wanted to pen down what I saw in my mind, so here it is, but somehow, it seems like what is in my imagination is always many times nicer than what I drew. I didn't have a topic in mind today so that explains a "titleless" journal, just a sense of quietness, tranquility, and may you share the same stillness as I have now. May this picture also be to you a joy and reminder that our Lord will surely quench your thirst for Him.

And yes, I had a great weekend of rest this week, as compared to the last. I had a off day on Friday, sort of a "compensation" from last week of sleepless Friday, and had some really cool quality time with my mom, at People's Park and Chinatown, trying to teach her how to get there by train. I believe I must still give her a few more training sessions before she can venture there alone on her own. Yet, for sure the Lord is with her. Anyway, I have a really good break this weekend! And I am looking forward to the long weekend this coming week, because of Chinese New Year. May you also have a great time of catching up with family and most of all, a great time of refreshing and rest!
little lamb art

My Baggy Business: All things work together for good

Have you ever felt this way before, that you are so close and yet so far? I met 2 such events this week, but I will elaborate on one only, the other is strictly confidential. I can't say I am a shopaholic, but I do enjoy shopping, especially for shoes and bags, though I hardly ever spend more than a hundred dollar on either, in fact most hardly cost more than fifty dollars each (so that I can buy more!).

Since last year, while shopping for Christmas presents, I spotted a rather beautiful and useful bag, that I thought it would be nice to have, though it was never a need, just a want (I never lack bags, I have quite a number). Yet as the price of it exceeded what I would normally spend on a bag, I put it aside. However, somehow, the bag just grew on me, and suddenly it turned into something to desire. Finally, to get it over and done with, I decided to get it despite of the cost after Christmas, however, it was all sold out, at all branches that I happened to pass by. In fact, it was no longer just an issue of passing by, but a deliberate detour to several of its branches. Therefore, sort of out of compensation for my loss, I scouted around for another bag not that I desperately needed one but to reduce the disappointment slightly (in fact I ended up with 2 bags in the process).

Yet, just 2 days ago, on my way walking to work from the mrt station to my office, i spotted the desired bag again, back on the shelf! For that split moment, I wished the shop was opened, and for once, regardless of the price, I was determined to get it. But since it was only 9am, I decided I would come back to get it during lunchtime. With great anticipation and happiness, knowing finally that after a month of "pining" for that bag, I was finally able to put my hand unto it. With a speedy lunch, I walked at a quicken pace towards the shop, heading straight to the shelf, however, from a distance, it seemed missing, for a moment, I thought my eyes might have played a trick on me.

But it was truly GONE! I couldn't believe my eyes! It was there a few hours ago, I was sure! I went straight to the sales assistant, sort of "demanding" the bag, for my eyes could not have tricked me in seeing the bag earlier of! And to my utter "disappointment", I was a few hours late (maybe 2 hours only), that was the last piece that they managed to find from their warehouse, and it was bought by a lady who was also looking for it! Utter "disappointment"! It was so close to be mine! So close... Have you ever felt that way before? As in you have worked so hard for something, and suddenly all the due rewards went to someone else? I felt a little like that for that split second.

Yet, all thanked to Papa God, I picked myself up (or rather He picked me up), and was reminded that "all things will work together for good", and yes indeed, though I may not understand why this little episode would happen, but I know Papa God must have something better, or a better deal for me! Many a times, man's disappointment may turn out to be God's appointment for He has something better in store for us! So, don't feel defeated or sad if you face any disappointment this week, because one thing I am sure, He will never let us be put to shame, for those who put their trust in Him. Therefore, I shall await patiently for my dream bag...

(Side track, He may just drop it by my bedside while I sleep tonight.)

Addresses

How fast time flies! You will start noticing that, especially when you are greeted not by your name but rather your "age status". What do I mean? I shall explain a little. But first, I just want to establish a fact, so has time really moved faster than before, because it seems to crawl last time when I was still a kid, but now it seems as if it is running, perhaps time is also growing, like us, from an infant to an adult...therefore from crawling to walking, and then time is no more.

Recently, I am intrigued by how frequently I tried to remind little kids to call me "jie jie" rather than "auntie". I could still remember, it felt like it was just yesterday, when I was still so young, not just the fact that I am the youngest among all my siblings, adults would call me "xiao mei mei" or "little girl". I would then address them as "uncle" or "auntie". That was like more than 20 years ago.

As I move on in life into my teen, I began to notice that people would address me as "xiao jie" or "young lady", perhaps that is the best address ever, of course, most people I meet these days would still address me as "xiao jie". And I have also learnt especially for women, regardless of their ages or marital status, address them all as "xiao jie" would likely put a smile on their faces. So why not? Just to make someone's day brighter! Please bear this in mind.

During the "xiao jie" period, it is also likely that one may be addressed as "jie jie" or "big sister", by kids or anyone younger than you. But of course, there may be also an occasional "failure", when one is addressed as "auntie" despite the fact that she is only in her teens or twenties.

Yet for me, to be addressed as "auntie" is not that new anyway, since I was already an aunt when I was just only seven years old. Yet as time passes by, and more cakes are cut on birthdays, the thought of being addressed as auntie sounds a bit scary, especially with the hidden connotation associated with it, you know what I mean? It is especially so, when kids no longer address you as "jie jie" but "auntie", for kids do not know how to lie professionally like adults, and if any kids actually address you as "jie jie", out of the norm, it is either you really look that young, or the kids have been "well-educated" by their parents. And not to mention the fact that I am actually entering into the stage when more and more kids are addressing me as "auntie". O Papa God, help! Renew my youth like the eagle!

Anyway, just a short side track, have you ever noticed that we always call any male taxi driver "uncle" regardless of his age? There was once I was on the cab with my mom, and she actually called a much younger driver "uncle", when she herself is already in her sixties! Anyway, this is just a side track, cos it really sounds pretty amusing to me!

And yes, to all of you, "xian sheng" (young man) and "xiao jie" (young lady), may your coming week be filled with wonderful incidents that make you smile a lot, cos smile does make one look younger, though the lines on the face may also be "aggravated" at the same time. Meanwhile, have a great week ahead!

(P.S. The above was written and saved as draft several days ago as there was no illustration to go with it until today. If you have dropped by and saw no new posting from me, I was so busy that I never knew what daytime was like, I spent the night at office yesterday, and it felt as if I was there for months, working, eating, taking short "energy catching" nap all in front of my computer screen for a few days. Came back from office only this afternoon, and I actually fell asleep reading newspaper in front of a hilarious comedy, truly I was tired. Thank God for His rest and blessed sleep. And thanks for dropping by even when I missed to post.)

Mr Taxi

I have travelled countless times on taxi, mainly due to work and overtime. In the process, I have also made many small talks with the taxi drivers, having great wonderful chats and "gossips", and even arguments. There was even one that argued all the way from town to the extreme north of Singapore with me, for he simply could not agree with me in a gracious God who would pardon anyone who would come to Him through His Son, whether how much wrong that person has done in life, even murderers, etc. I believed I must have said a silent prayer in my heart that someday somehow his heart will be touched by this wonderful truth, rather than fighting over it.

Anyway, the above was not what I intend to write on, just a small sidetrack, but I want to focus on one of the most impressionable Mr Taxi Driver I met. Pondering on this, I have not met anyone as "memorable" as him before, not that his appearance or his cab were extra special, in fact, I could not even recall his face and what cab I took, was it comfort, or Citicab, or etc?

I was on my way home from site, on a cab, in the evening hours, when I looked out of the window, I was overwhelmed by the beautiful, bright golden clouds in the sky at the sunset hour, that I actually exclaimed and said to myself "wow! so beautiful!", or something to that effect. That was when the small talk between me and Mr Taxi began. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I finally met a very positive and "no complaining" taxi driver. For once, this was a delightful change to end my busy day at work.

Mr Taxi mentioned to me that before he was a taxi driver, he used to travelled a lot to many countries for his work, and he would have to bring along instant noodles to those places, as they were not really that developed. Having visited so many, he realised how beautiful our country is (for oversea readers, this is Singapore for your information), convenience right at your doorstep, and everything so clean and beautiful. And indeed we are so green, you can hardly find a place where there isn't a single tree. Mark my words, I have been to great cities, where you can hardly find one healthy tree at times. Perhaps, we all have been living in such a beautiful environment for so long, we have become numbed to it or rather take things for granted, believing that it is our rightful rights to have and enjoy such environment, not until you travel, would you know how different our dwellings are!

For that half hour in the cab, Mr Taxi made me realise how blessed I am, to be in this place where I am. The fact that we can just leave bags on table (of course there should not be much valuables inside) and coming back a few minutes later, to still find them (most of the time) is itself quite "spectacular"! And to my utter amazement, perhaps Singapore would also be the only country that people actually reserve seats at foodcourt with tissue paper packs, anyway this is just a sidetrack and deserve a whole new article on its own! I am thankful, whenever I remembered this little chat I had with Mr Taxi, thanks for opening my eyes to see how blessed I am!

Heaven!

My computer is back to life! Praise the Lord! This is the illustration for 2006, symbolising a new beginning. It was drawn 6 months ago, on my birthday, but there was never an appropriate occasion to publish it till now. My niece mentioned that it looks very much like "The Chronicles of Narnia", any similarities are purely coincidental. The day when the lamb and the lion co-dwell in peace!
little lamb art

2006! Everything's new!

It has been a long time since I picked up a book and read, though I enjoyed reading. Recently picked up a book out of my shelf, which I had bought a year ago, and started reading it, as and when I am on the go, either on the train or while I walked to work. It was in fact quite amazing that book is to me, though I have been taught of the concept in the book many times, yet it is still ever so refreshing, I actually was so engrossed in it, that I missed my MRT station almost twice in a row! (This only happened when I was deep in sleep on the train, Title is “Grace Awakening” by Charles Swindoll, quite a good read so far).

Today’s would not be long, partly because my computer has finally "dieded", I am now praying and seeking help for its resurrection. And plus the fact that I am a bit upset that I may have permanently lost some of my illustrations in the pc. (I am now borrowing my brother's laptop for a short while to do this "very meaning" work, perhaps the next time I published my illustration will be one or two weeks away, till my pc is resurrected or I am blessed with a new laptop!) I have in fact gotten ready a most appropriate illustration for the new year, but due to the above reason, it will have to hold till I scanned it again. (Thank Papa God that it is a watercolor painting, therefore it was not lost with the rest.)

For the coming year, I will not make any resolution as usual, letting the Shepherd leads the way, but I am sure I am on for another year of adventure with Him. Meanwhile, I maybe changing the format of the blog a little for the year ahead, stay tune. Been intrigued by some simple life stories of people around me, and I hope I will be able to illustrate them and share them with you all, though I am not aspiring to be a writer, writing especially in English was never my strength, I know, since young.

And again, I need to “cover” myself, I would not be absolutely sure that I will keep to the above plan, but I will try. (Those who know me well, know that I am not good at planning and administration.)

And finally, beloved family and friends, thanks for all your encouragement and support, my nieces, the best “fans” and critics. I am glad that even my family members get to know me more through this for the past 6 months, I am glad, as I am never very expressive verbally. (I may look fierce at times, but I am actually quite nice and “kind” at heart! Cos the Lord is in me!) Thank God for all of you! And most of all, have a blessed year, and may the new year be filled with the wonderful peace of our dearest Lord in your heart always! Meanwhile stay tune for a brand new format, got so much brewing in my head but no equipment to express them, yet I am not discouraged, cos I know all things work together for good! And you too, let go of the past for the future is shining ever brighter than before!

Summary 2005

A slight delay in delivering this journal, partly because I am consolidating some thoughts of this year, coupled with the festive season, and the fact that my pc went through another challenge again yesterday, the eve before Christmas. I am really thankful that I can still manage to get it to work today (after I prayed and spoke to my pc nicely, it actually worked!). My pc, please endure with me for another month, until I back up all my files and am blessed by the Lord with a new laptop, thanks pc, for serving me well these last 3 years.

Chapter 1
Finally bought and move into my new flat, perhaps this can be considered the main event of the year. Never really like responsibility, but still I am learning to adapt. Yet I am thankful to the Lord for my cosy little abode.

Chapter 2
Been a year since I got to know my new home group, and am really thankful for them, as I enjoyed their company greatly, hope they felt the same. For the new year ahead, I hope to have more time with all my "old" friends. Suddenly, I realised that I was so caught up with my daily life and work, that I actually missed their company for the past few years. Pals, forgive me, I know you will. Really looking forward to catching up with you all soon!

Chapter 3
It's been a year since I came over to a new team in my job. Being pretty apprehensive at first, with an initial fear of having to compromise and conform with my peers who work so hard and so late, and of sacrificing much of my own time other than proper working hours and weekends in office, this proves to be on the contrary, all thanks to Papa God. It is a miracle, and in fact, time seems to have multiplied unconsciously! Miracle does happen, for He stretched the day just for me! (Not that I have less things to do I believe?!) Work is supposed to be fun after all, not a chore, anyway!

Chapter 4
In the midst of the busy schedule, home, work and church, the Lord sees me through them all. Not that this year is less hectic than last, yet I seems to have much more time to smell the flowers, and have a prolonged holiday break. And yes, I got to see the Alps!

Chapter 5
This is by no means the last chapter, yet it will be the summary of all. For the longest time, I finally picked up my paint and brush this year to start drawing again, never drew so much illustrations for the past 10 years except architectural plans, etc. Only now did I realise how much I miss the fun of painting, not for anyone, just for the fun of it. Hope you too share my joy in looking at the illustrations. This itself is also a miracle from Papa God, that He makes time for me to do what I enjoy doing in the midst of all that I got to do!

Finally, with the above illustration, it shows the diagrammatic summary of 2005, and yet ahead of me, I know He is holding my hand, walking with me on the path of 2006, and that applies the same to you too! Hope you all have a blessed Christmas today! I sure do, had a great time with my family yesterday, having dinner together, opening gifts and watching TV, the simple pleasure in life! For this is the season to celebrate His birth!

How much are we worth?

Just happened to watch a few scenes of a Taiwanese show a few days ago, not that it was a good drama that got me talking about it, in fact I can’t even remember the title of the drama, but an interesting phrase was brought up in the midst that made me ponder on it and also prompted me to redraw a similar illustration I drew a few weeks ago, but in a different expression.

In the show, a girl saw herself worthless, simply because she felt that she is of no use and that she matters nothing to anyone. Just at that moment, I saw something I never really study in depth before. How often we see our own worth through the eyes of others? How often we weigh ourselves based upon how important we matter to someone or how useful we are in this world. Suddenly, I realize how pathetic we are, to fall into this trap, this vicious cycle of searching for our self worth in this world, through the eyes of others, even through the eyes of our loved ones. If in this world, we matter not to anyone, does that mean we are worth nothing?

Perhaps that is why many fall into the trap of depression. Or perhaps that is also why many of us could not help ourselves but fall into the trap of the rat race, climbing on top of one another, stepping on others to hopefully bring greater “honour” to ourselves, and perhaps to even impress our superiors? Selah. (Not that I am suffering from such a situation now, just felt adamant towards it all of a sudden.)

I am glad and felt extremely fortunate, blessed, that the once inferior me, seems to have come out of that trap slowly. Not that I have already climbed to the top, by stepping on many others, but that Someone proves to me my worth, my price. I must have worth a great deal (the price tag on me is priceless), that He is willing to give up all that He has, even His life for me. Selah.

Perhaps in people’s eyes now, I seem aloof, I seem stubborn, refusing to compromise, refusing to follow the norm. I chose to walk in a different, untested ground. Yet let it be. Because I know my worth. I am contented. I am satisfied. I am happy. I am learning and determined not to fall into the trap with His help because I am different, I am priceless in His eyes. I know where I belong, as I am already on top, on His broad, strong shoulders, and there is nowhere else I would rather be. I don’t live or make my dwelling in another’s opinion, I live and ride upon His shoulder! I felt the sudden sense of freedom. And you too! We are special! We are priceless! In Him alone! Just His little lamb!

What to write? Simplicity

Since Wednesday, I have been wondering what to write, and therefore this explains the slight delay till today, and the above picture I drew. Thanks for dear ones and friends that have encouraged me a lot through this year, be it in the form of an encouraging note, or sms, or even a simple comment on the blog, I really appreciate it, and thanks for taking time to read them. I do re-read my own writings at times, and I realized perhaps I wrote too long too much, with slight deviation from my simple initial intention of sharing some simple, hopefully, encouraging cartoons and drawings, to brighten your days. Therefore for the coming year, I shall concentrate on the drawings more. (Hope I will keep to this.)

Yet before the new year begins, pardon me for writing long for the meanwhile. Being the “shy” me, I realized writing is much easier for me to express than speech, and thus this explains why I tend to write too much, do forgive me for this. (I am very quiet when I am working, therefore I need to fulfill my quota of word somehow everyday through other means such as writing.)

Nothing in particular happened this week. Life is a simple routine, and today is as of any other days. However, I reached home extremely early today, as I came home straight from site meeting. My mom was so pleasantly surprised when she opened the door for me, that she gave me such a huge smile on her face. Indeed, this could be one of those really rare days that I reached home before 8pm.

After having a prolonged dinner, with my usual salad, steam egg, fish, and specially made Bah Kut Teh (A soup cooked with pork ribs etc), I spent the entire night watching TV, from 8.30pm to almost 12 midnight. This, the simplicity of it all, was truly a blessing. When was the last time I had such a luxury of sitting in front of the TV and indulge in such an activity?

Looking around me, nothing much to do, just a sense of thankfulness in my heart, with all the needs met in life, and more than that, being blessed with all the modern equipments in life, which are not necessities for living, but good to have, I am thankful and contented. Able to sit in front of my PC now, able to read and write, typing away on my keyboard is a luxury that I almost forgot most of the time, taking things for granted. I truly have everything. Thank You.

I Have Wings

Heard a beautiful Christian song today and reminded me of another Chinese song I loved. That was how the above drawing came about. Since a child, I had great inferior complexity, and even as the Lord restores me as I grow older, there are still times when I felt inadequate, unworthy, though the frequency of that happening has reduced much over the years. This is especially so in my career and another area of my life.

From young, I never felt I was smart or gifted or talented. People around me may feel that i have the gift for arts, but I had never thought so of myself and I tend to put in much effort to achieve and line up with people's expectation of me. Over the years, I worked very hard, knowing that since I am not clever, I had to be extra hardworking, believing that, so long as I double the effort what others would normally put in, I should be successful. And for many years, this theory had not failed me till later on in life, when I entered the field of design. That was when I went through many failures, times and again, doubt and self doubt again and again, seeing my theory of success failing me. Finding myself not able to catch up with my peers, having no gift and talent, no ability, I utterly gave up on myself and design, went through a period of dark ages, wanting never to touch design again.

That was when I went through one of my life's most precious lesson. Having utter disappointment with myself, I finally gave up. Perhaps also for the first time, I turned to the Lord, seeking for His help, finally. (All this while He never leaves me.) Having still a lingering love for the arts and design, yet having no courage to turn back and restart from scratch, having no gut to see my utter lack of talent, He brought me up, put the passion into me, restored me and put me back on my feet. More than that, He gave me a pair of wings, in fact, He gave me Himself, He becomes my pair of wings. He taught me the steps to fly, He taught me to soar and then finally He makes me soar. He becomes my source, my strength, my inspiration, my only and final hope.

Once I related briefly this short past to someone, not in detail, and he mentioned something that caused me to ponder. He said if the Lord has not helped me, I may have become a very proud person today. And indeed, it may have been so, how scary that would be.

Today, I cherished this pair of wings very much, I thank the Lord for them every day in my heart, as I work and enjoy the process of my work, a sense of gratitude always overwhelms me. I know I could never have done or design anything without Him for He is my pair of wings.

Simple Blissfulness

Just came home, having heard a pretty unusual sermon today, and again, I felt I am in a state of blissfulness. Just a simple day or almost a week passed by, and I did not attempt to ponder on any deep thought to share. Nothing major or great happening this week. Perhaps this itself is a form of bliss, being able to live simply, enjoying each day as it comes, nothing and no need to worry about tomorrow, forgetting the "unhappiness" of yesterday, if any, and enjoy the present.

In fact, having moved into my own little flat for coming to 4 months, once a while, when I remembered, looking at my small little cosy abode, I would feel that I am very fortunate and blessed. Not that my house is beautiful, (though I think it is beautiful, at least in my eyes), that the fact I have a little home to look forward to everyday after I knock off from work, a bowl of nice delicious soup waiting for me at home, specially prepared for me by my Mom, and even some nicely cut up fruit prepared by my brother for me, I feel blessed. Simple pleasure, simple joy, simple gift of life, making everything so beautiful. The beauty of it all.

Just like the picturesque landscape I saw in Siena. The rolling mountains and valleys with plantations, and little huts or farmhouses scattered around. Nothing spectacular, yet in itself, the simplicity of it makes it so beautiful after all. Little human intervention, where man and nature co-dwell. Time seems no more. A state of rest, a state of just enjoying the moment.

Hope that while you are busy with work this week, or greatly anticipating the coming of the weekend, you too have time to enjoy the little NOW you have. Have a great blessed weekend ahead! (Not sure if you understand what I am writing, seems like I am just babbling nonsense, guess it is late, I am tired and it's time to sleep.) Thank God it is Friday today!

Festive Mood

I love Christmas! I can't say it enough, I simply love Christmas, the season of giving. Is it because it is the festive season, that makes my everyday work seem less hectic recently? I was surprised that I have time to relook and refine some of my previous designs, and even make changes to them as requested by the clients, with no complaints, wherein in other times I would have done. Or have I been transformed or changed? I hope it is the latter.

Looking back many years ago, we first started celebrating Christmas when my sister-in-law, then my brother's girlfriend, started buying presents for us every year. It was also then that my dad bought our first Christmas tree into our home, a white Christmas tree. As we moved to another abode, my dad bought another one, a 7 feet green Christmas tree, which is still in use now, at my brother's place. As for my small little cosy abode, I went to get mine about 3 weekends ago, a 5 feet green Christmas tree.

I love this season of giving, in fact, with a little bit more love for it than Chinese New Year, since young, even way before the Lord found me, much more now that I am His beloved. Shopping or making Christmas gifts is never a chore to me, but a really fun and enjoyable process, as I visualise the facial expressions of my loved ones as they open the presents. It is almost like a chance to reunderstand everyone of them again, their likes and dislikes, the things they need etc. Every year this is a learning process, as I would again need to re-educate myself on the most trendy toys, gadgets or fashion. It is fun. And the best part of it all, is to be able to buy something that one would love to have but would most likely never buy for themselves.

As I ponder on this, if this brings me so much joy, how much more would our Lord feel when He give to us, rather than we trying with our puny little strength to do things on our own? If He would give himself for us, how much more would He not give us all the good things we need in life?

Therefore, as we prepare for this great season of giving, may you too have a great time shopping for the gifts, the fact that we can give means that we must be very blessed, to be able to bless someone else! Meanwhile, have a great week ahead, as we draw nearer to Christmas!

Christmas Tree and Presents

For the past 3 weeks since I was back from my holiday, there didn't seem to be any weekend that I really stayed at home and did nothing, except for the actual day when I landed, I was having jet lap and needed a long nap. Yet, for the following few weekends, I was either busy going around selecting and buying my Christmas tree and decorations, or scouting for presents for my family. How fast I have forgotten the little resolution I made when I was back? I told myself, trying my best with my puny effort to tell myself to have at least 8 hours of sleep everyday, but I think I broke my one and only resolution perhaps on the very next day.

Now that the Christmas tree is up, the lights are on, and about 85% of the gifts bought and ready, I felt that I should perhaps slow down my pace, something that I kept telling myself, do slowly and enjoy the process. How true it is! Just heard about this message and it kept ringing in my ear, how we tend to "postpone our enjoyment", thinking that perhaps I would be happy when Christmas comes, or when I go for my break, etc etc. How often we dwell in the future, doing things now to perhaps "buy" happiness for the future! Yet how often we forgot that what we have is actually now, and the right way to live is to enjoy NOW! Just as my beloved Jesus said, sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Live one day at a time! Most of all, enjoy it! In fact, how true it is, there are only 2 ways to live your life, to enjoy or not enjoy.

Having said this much, to be honest, I did enjoy all the shoppings I made, the process of putting up the tree, preparing all the Christmas presents, pondering on what to buy for each individual etc etc. In fact, it is my family tradition, to have a wonderful family get together on the Christmas eve, to stay late, hopefully past midnight, if the children can stay awake, and open the presents together. It is always a memorable time to be, and there is no other place I rather be, or no other people I rather be with on a Christmas eve than with my family.

Yet this year will be slightly different. Since we moved out, the celebration will be at my small humble yet very cosy home. And I am sure that my Papa God will be just as faithful to bless this wonderful memorable occasion for my family and I. Thank you Papa God. Meanwhile, while I am looking forward to the celebration, I shall also enjoy my NOW, and before my 7 hour sleep (changed to 7 hours now, cos more achievable) resolution becomes another unfulfilled desire, I shall end here. Nite!

Most Charming!

Pondered a lot recently on something that I discovered 2 years ago (but I forgot all about it until I caught it again recently), especially with all the hype of the recent release of PSLE results. Not that it has anything to do with me, but I have so many people around me whom I knew who had something to do with the release.

I went to a wonderful, enjoyable concert yesterday. Not that it has many stunts or many change of clothes etc, but it is a purely "music first" kind of concert. Guess if you are not new to Chinese pop, you will probably know what concert was held yesterday in Singapore. Anyway, just in case you don't know, it's David Tao's. Perhaps you might be asking, what has this got to do with the release of results I mentioned earlier? In fact, it has to do with a "revelation" I had 2 years ago, when I was at a similar concert, it created a no small impact on me, not just the music, but I caught a glimpse of beauty, charm, that is always happening to people around me that I never seem to notice until then. I saw and realised then, a person is at his or her most attractive moment when he or she is enjoying what she is doing at that very moment, that passion covers any lack of cosmetic or charisma.

I realised that everyone exudes a certain amount of charm in one way or another, be it an athlete, an artist, a teacher, a singer, a musician, a pastor, a chef, a social worker, a marketing personnel or even for my profession, an architect. At that very moment when one is caught enjoying his work, that passion just oozes forth, and suddenly that person unknowing is at his or her most attractive moment.

Plus the recent sermon I heard, indeed, almost all people who are true to their inner hearts' cries, when they answer the call, that desire in their hearts, despite of all the anticipated difficulties ahead, despite of all the rational reasonings or people's opinions, they will almost all the time find themselves most happy as long as they persevere, or they didn't gave up their dreams. And I believe and think it is true, all successful people are those who tapped on their inner desires and move ahead to nurture that hidden treasure, that God-given gift within. (Papa God is fair, and He certainly has given everyone something special!)

I saw that at the concert last night, again (I am a quiet supporter, fan, not one of those who stand up, shout and sing), I saw someone on stage, immersed in his passionate work, or rather his enjoyment, and the audience enjoyed the concert simply because he enjoyed his passion, and he at that moment seemed to be most charming.

And you know what? My mind just suddenly wandered off, just as he went on to shake the hands of the people off stage. I saw Jesus in my mind, in my imagination all of a sudden, I went back 2000 years in the midst of the concert, I saw the people throoping unto Jesus, desiring to touch Him, and then, I am perfectly sure He must be the most charming, as He enjoyed His work of reaching out to the lost ones, His beloved ones at all moments. No wonder most folks liked to be around Him then, and even now!

My mind wandered for 5 minutes and I came back to reality. I realised all of us are differently made, PSLE does not determine what the outcome of a kid should be, each kid has his or her own bent, and parents are just God's stewards, to identify the gift laid within each child by Papa God, and they are to guide him or her in that direction to fully sharpen the gift. I am convinced, I am assured, I am certain this is the way it should be. Thank you Papa God, that from young, I am not sure how, but I was surrounded by people who led me to study art, to enjoy art, and finally to make art as part of my career, and almost everyday, you know what, I look forward to work, it is fun! Thank you Lord, may you make me most charming in the process while I enjoy my passion too! Amen!

(Just a side track, as the concert ended so late last night, I actually missed the last train...sigh...thank God the concert was great! Or else my complaining spirit was sure to manifest....)

Venice: What a sight!

Perhaps it has become a routine to drop by here to write a line or two, although I have no clear direction as to what to write. But I did paint a lot since I came back from Italy, with so many beautiful sceneries fresh in my mind, and over 2000 digital photos with me, I just hope to share the beauty of God's creations with you all, if you can spare a little bit of time.

Of all the places I visited in Italy, I would say I like Venice the most (or one of the "mostest"), and perhaps, that will be the place I may go back again when opportunity arises. To me, I was fascinated with the fact that there is absolutely no vehicles, and everyone depends on either the water transport or by foot. It is a beautiful sight, with the element of water going right to one's door step, and even the buses are in the form of small ships. I simply could not use words to explain the beauty and the peculiarity of the place!

Another quality I love about the place is the atmosphere of the arts. I can't say I met any artist or musician there, but it does have the quality of art in the air, everything is so picturesque. The wonders of glass are everywhere, no doubt, it is a place where beautiful works of glass are produced, yet quite beyond my budget to buy any. I would love to own one of those one of its kind vases though.

The only down side during our expedition in Venice was the weather, so wet and the day seems so short. Yet despite of this, it is still beautiful, it must be much more enchanting when the weather is fine. Meanwhile hope you like the little picture I drew of a little water "street" in Venice!

Have a great blessed week ahead! Life is worth the living because of the Lord who makes everything beautiful no matter what! Cheers!

(By the way, just want drop a line here for you to share my little excitement, I am eagerly waiting to go for the concert this Saturday, thanks dearest sister, for remembering me even when I am thousands of kilometres away, to ask if I would like to go with you, and thanks for buying the ticket for me!)

With Me Always

I may sound like a broken record, but then truly, I still want to say "how fast time flies!" It is already November and soon it will be Christmas.

Today, as I was on my way to church in the train, listening to one of my favourite songs "Jiu Si Ai Ni" by David Tao, I suddenly found my mind wandering off, reflecting on several beautiful memories of this year and the goodness of God in my life, and I was overwhelmed. (Not sure if you remembered this song, I wrote down the lyrics before in my blog several weeks ago.) Yet even before the year has reached its end, I realised how much has changed within this short span of time, and how much I have received and am still receiving, and I just want to take this time to list a few.

It's been about a year since I was transferred over to this new group in my office, to work directly with my present boss. I could still remember I was quite apprehensive initially, as several of those in his team are "crazy" workers, they worked really late (as in till 12 midnight and even beyond) and during weekends as well. Those who knew me, know that as far as possible, I don't work on weekends, and I don't work overnight, at most twice a year, in extreme exceptional cases. Yet, throughout this year, the Lord has been so faithful, I did not have to compromise on my working principles, and in fact, I did enjoy working with my "new" boss, he is great! (Of course, can't let him know.)

It's been slightly more than a year that I am in a new care group in Church, initially, wondering how I can relate to them, as most of them are married with kids, and I, being single. Yet as time passes, I enjoyed their presence deeply, missed everyone of them whenever they are absent, they are very wonderful people, very dear to me indeed, and this is a great year that I got to know everyone of them much deeper, all thank to Papa God, for bringing every single one of them into my life, that they are great blessings to me. I can almost say they have become another of my extended family, thank You Papa God.

In fact, last year I still remembered, I was under extreme stress, that I could feel my health being affected, and I was troubled too for being so stressed, and with work, with finding my new flat, perhaps even with a new ministry, etc etc, feeling inadequate, frustrated, and at times unworthy. It was a year of learning to let go, learning to delegate my work, trusting my assistants more, and from there learning to rest, which I am still learning. But the strange thing is, as you learn to let go more, more responsibilities are added at the same time. Why? Yet, this year and the years to come is not like last year, and it will never be, new tasks and challenges no longer seem burdensome, but another opportunity for the Lord to prove His wonderful faithfulness towards me. And yes, thank you Lord for my healing!

As the year went on, learning to let go is hard, yet ever important, if not the most important, to me. As one who is self-willed, with extreme belief only in my own self and own achievement, this was a very difficult process, yet ever so critical. In the process, I felt that blessings come when one does not look for them, and they always catch you by surprise. (How I used to run after them!) To list a few, I got a new extreme long play mp3 player without my asking, at almost half the original price, to me, it was never something I thought of getting this year, since I already had a very good one, though that one has a very short battery life. And who is to know that this new player is to keep me "company" through several really long journeys which my previous mp3 player would definitely failed me. But God knows.

Even for the renovation of my flat, I believed I must have done the least supervision ever, I only attend to it on saturdays, and at times, before I went to work, and I have never taken any leave to attend to it! Come to think of it, that was amazing! The Lord is truly wonderful by blessing me with a good contractor that gave me worry-free work, and little supervision.

As the year drew near the end, when I was tired and felt drained, wanting to plan for a holiday, out of nowhere, I was given an opportunity for a trip to Italy, therefore with half the trip paid for, though it was never on my agenda to visit Italy, never before have I ever thought about it, yet it came as a wonderful great blessing to me. The Lord knows, and His blessing chases me down. I ponder again.

This is not the last, but to me one of the greatest of all blessings, all through this year at work, I was given opportunities to do the things I enjoy doing, and to do projects that I always dream of doing, yet never dare to believe that I would actually do them one day, and my dearest Lord sees the desire of my heart and gives them to me. Somehow, sometimes, I felt I was really born for such a time as this, that Someone loves me so much, that He has pre-arranged everything wonderful, beautiful for me to attend to, to enjoy life itself and most of all, to enjoy Him.

And as I was pondering on all these on the train, I was touched, almost to tears, with the image of the above painting in my mind, the beautiful song in the background, and I hope you too will spend a little time, in this last coming month of the year, to ponder on the goodness of the Lord in your life, surely He has blessed you, and you too are like the little girl in the painting, He leads you by your hand, and He never let go, all you need to do, just follow, He knows best! And yes, He loves you deeply, with a passion!