Heard a beautiful Christian song today and reminded me of another Chinese song I loved. That was how the above drawing came about. Since a child, I had great inferior complexity, and even as the Lord restores me as I grow older, there are still times when I felt inadequate, unworthy, though the frequency of that happening has reduced much over the years. This is especially so in my career and another area of my life.
From young, I never felt I was smart or gifted or talented. People around me may feel that i have the gift for arts, but I had never thought so of myself and I tend to put in much effort to achieve and line up with people's expectation of me. Over the years, I worked very hard, knowing that since I am not clever, I had to be extra hardworking, believing that, so long as I double the effort what others would normally put in, I should be successful. And for many years, this theory had not failed me till later on in life, when I entered the field of design. That was when I went through many failures, times and again, doubt and self doubt again and again, seeing my theory of success failing me. Finding myself not able to catch up with my peers, having no gift and talent, no ability, I utterly gave up on myself and design, went through a period of dark ages, wanting never to touch design again.
That was when I went through one of my life's most precious lesson. Having utter disappointment with myself, I finally gave up. Perhaps also for the first time, I turned to the Lord, seeking for His help, finally. (All this while He never leaves me.) Having still a lingering love for the arts and design, yet having no courage to turn back and restart from scratch, having no gut to see my utter lack of talent, He brought me up, put the passion into me, restored me and put me back on my feet. More than that, He gave me a pair of wings, in fact, He gave me Himself, He becomes my pair of wings. He taught me the steps to fly, He taught me to soar and then finally He makes me soar. He becomes my source, my strength, my inspiration, my only and final hope.
Once I related briefly this short past to someone, not in detail, and he mentioned something that caused me to ponder. He said if the Lord has not helped me, I may have become a very proud person today. And indeed, it may have been so, how scary that would be.
Today, I cherished this pair of wings very much, I thank the Lord for them every day in my heart, as I work and enjoy the process of my work, a sense of gratitude always overwhelms me. I know I could never have done or design anything without Him for He is my pair of wings.
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