Monday, April 23, 2007

Life . Architectural Expedition . The Next Step?


This marked the first week of my “sabbatical rest”. Amazing! For those who have worked with me, or knew me well, would know that I am a “hurry-hurry” person (a better term is “fast and efficient”?) , one who would attempt to finish what needs to be done asap, a silent rule residing in me “if what needs to be done can be finished today, then finished it today.” This could be the self-imposed principle that added undue stress on me. One that my Shepherd would have to deliver me from.

The reason I brought this up was that, it is truly tough for me to re-learn a lot of things afresh this week. First thing to learn is to do things slowly. It is truly a labour for me to rest, for someone almost a “workaholic” like me. By Tuesday, I had finished my folio cum printing, in just less than 2 days, something that I thought would take me a week. On Wednesday, my friends and I went to Johor by public transport, the first time I had ever done this in my life. Thursday and Friday, I attended a seminar. Looking back, I have yet rested, though I did catch some quick afternoon naps. It is not easy to learn to rest…. Especially when your mind would unknowingly wander off to unwanted restricted territory called “worry”.

Yet there are so many things I want to do, learn and study and most of all, to rest. But the rational part of me would remind me “there are responsibilities, there are expectations to meet.” The worried voice would attempt to distract me from my aim, unfounded worries, which has no basis if one is to probe further.

There are some fundamental issues to solve meanwhile, before I see myself ended in the same situation in the new job. That is when I started asking fundamental questions “Do I really like architecture?”, “what do I really like about this career?”, “Do I still want to be an architect?” “How should I approach design from henceforth?” “What design do I really like to do?” “What kind of architect do I want to become? (or rather what kind of architect the Lord would want me to be?”) etc etc…. At times, there will be discomforting answers, at times, answers that you knew that they are actually all along hidden within your heart, but that you need to take time to remove the accumulated dust above. (But please, do not be introspective, a subtle difference, I realized.)

A point that I have been avoiding to write for sometimes since I made the decision, I had finally mustered sufficient courage to write. “Guilt and condemnation”. Ever since the decision was made, I had been asked by many, even my own self, “why quit?” There is no one reason to explain, perhaps an accumulative number of reasons or circumstances? Afterall, I was treated very well by my bosses and I had great colleagues. And I would be disappointing some of the people I respected greatly with my decision. Yet, there has been a constant unexplainable frustration that kept emerging, hot-temperedness that seemed to surface itself constantly and getting ever more frequent, and this is not normal, in fact, it is scary. To pin point the reason was not possible to me, though there was a tiny indication of the cause. To solve this is urgent, at least to me, there and then.

Life is meant to be an enjoyment, as created by my Lord. Ever since, having the haunting questions “what is the meaning of life? Why are we born into this world” answered, life to me has taken on another meaning. These questions haunted me since I was a child, I would constantly ask myself since a young child, why live? Are there greater beings in this universe other than us? How can we ever come into this universe simply out of nothing? And where do we go once we died? Into nothingness? Although I was very young then, perhaps less than 10 years of age, I was constantly haunted by these questions. No amount of religions could give me a reasonable answer to settle these haunting questions, until one day, Jesus found me, and since then I knew that I knew He is real, all doubts and questions were answered since. That unforgettable experience etched forever in my heart, when I was about 15 years old. That settled the episode of the haunting questions, and I was never really bothered about the meaning of life ever since. To me, Jesus has become the reason to live, and life is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest in Christ!

Yet, recently, as the enjoyment of my career seems to decrease, I was reminded again of the long forgotten episode of my childhood. I believe many people must have asked themselves these questions before at one point of their lives or another, but how many would have brushed them aside and move on. Reason why I was reminded again was I believe many people may have also experienced a point of great frustration in their career, however, perhaps they are in their comfort zone for sometimes therefore they disregarded it, or take it as normal to be frustrated, or perhaps, it was turned around finally. I would not say that I knew the solution to this now, but I choose escapism, looking away for a while.

To be honest, I don’t really like this transitional phase, I felt weak, indecisive, unsure. I am not one who can wait very long, yet it seems to be so now that the traffic light is still red, and I can’t wait to just speed off asap with the change to green light. I am anticipating… waiting for the change… waiting… waiting… waiting. Learning to wait…

This marks the beginning of the 2nd week of my break. So many things I have lined up for myself to do. Putting one important task that is meant to be completed this week till next, just felt within that it is still not time yet…. My rational mind kept saying, hurry hurry, get this done, but my heart would say wait…. Perhaps for one of the few times, I am going to let my heart decide rather than my mind… but I don’t think I have faith to sustain the postponement of this to another week if my heart still says so.

Today will also be my first day to re-learn a software that is critical for me to embark in a new job. I had known this software 4 years back, but trying to pick up from where I left off 4 years ago, was not really that easy, I almost want to “cry” while using it, how to measure, how to draw a box, how to pull out toolbars, etc etc…. sob!!!!!!!! Help! My fear 4 years back has now come back to haunt me, my fear that I would forget this software 4 years ago has returned! God help me to pick up this as much as I can within this week! Grace grace!

Guess enough has been written, this was written over the last 3 days….. I don’t like to end off with a sad tone so here explains a new illustration, surely He will shower His blessings of love all over my life! Fear not! Just abide in Him and enjoy Him now. Cheers, everyone! Shalom, shalom.

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