Letting Go

Letting go has never been easy, if you know what I mean. In fact, I believe all of us are holding on to something in our lives, refusing to let go, be it a wayward son, a broken relationship, a treasured dream, a heart-broken memory, a broken heart… if we have lived on this planet long enough, we would have accumulated some of the above to some degree or another.

Through the years, I have learnt to let go in some areas, slowly though. As the revelation of my endless longing, or my holding onto something amount to nothing, but rather my letting go, and placing them in my Shepherd’s big powerful hands, will surely come to pass, I begin to slowly open one finger at a time, learning to trust Him and let Him take charge.

I must have a special love for drawing hands, besides my little lamb series, as you can tell if you have followed this blog “religiously”, the above is another of such series. Indeed, I have a dream, a dream that seems so close to being fulfilled, that I nurse it, guard it carefully. A dream which is at the beginning, a gift from Papa God, yet as the days went by, I began to take full ownership of it, trying to take it out of the hand of Him, relying on my own effort to fulfill it. I forgot, I forgot that it was from Him, I forgot that if it begins from Him it has to be done through Him and ends with Him, I forgot…

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit down as I walked to my bible study, not because of anything that happened in the day, in fact, the presentation that I was preparing for the past week went pretty well, and should be a thing to rejoice in, yet I was not feeling that way. In my short journey there, I could not put a finger to the problem, just not sure why. And I reminded myself, I walked by faith and not by sight, not by my feeling…, trying to brush that aside by rationalizing the problem, yet the feeling of emptiness stayed irregardless.

As I stepped into the main auditorium, with the sounding of the worship song, a mental image was suddenly formed, I saw my hands in His hands, letting go, letting go of the dream I held dearly in my heart…. Letting go, for I know this very well through the years, for unless the Lord builds the house, I labour in vain, and I refuse to do anything out of my own puny strength, even if there is any. A peace flooded my heart. Indeed, to me “letting go” is never easy, especially a longed for dream that seems so close to being fulfilled, yet I know deep within myself, Papa God needs no help, and He only wants me to trust Him, without Him, I can’t do anything.

Papa God, forgive me, I know you already did long time ago, yet still, forgive me for forgetting, for trusting in myself, I put it into Your hands hereafter, only You Lord. Only You can.

Himself

Though there are many times I drew my Shepherd and His little lamb, I have never attempted to draw the cross at all as far as I could remember, though the image of the cross has touched me countless times in my life. His nailed-pierced hands, the crown of thorns on His head, the bloody wounds on His back, the totally abandoned Son hanging helplessly on that old rugged cross, simply for me, the image of the highest form of love. How many times this image has seen me through the most difficult times in my life, leaving me with gratitude in my heart, that if He gave up His life for me, how would He not save me out of all the troubles I am in?

Pardon the “religious” sounding blog today, this blog was never meant to be preachy, but a venue for me to keep in touch with my loved ones, and to download my thoughts, document some little episodes in life, and most of all, to encourage me to draw again. However, it would never be void of the Shepherd, as He is my constant dependence, my most dear Friend.

What a coincidence it must have been yesterday, as I sat to listen to the teaching during bible study, the above image suddenly flooded my imagination, seeing a little lamb, standing at the foot of the cross, beholding the ages’ most important episode, the moment where the universe’s most important Being hung on a tree to express His eternal love for me. And at that moment I heard one of the most beautiful poems written, and it touches me. In the past, He was merely my fire insurance, a rope to hold on to, just in case heaven is real. Now He is every reason for my being, for all that I do. Hope you too will find strength, hope, and all that you ever need in Him, in Christ alone, only Him.

HIMSELF

by A. B. Simpson

It was the blessing, Now it is the Lord;

Once it was the feeling, Now it is His Word.

Once His gifts I wanted, Now the Giver own;

Once I sought for healing, Now Himself alone.

Once 'twas painful trying, Now 'tis perfect trust;

Once a half salvation, Now the uttermost.

Once 'twas ceaseless holding, Now He holds me fast;

Once 'twas constant drifting, Now my anchor's cast.

Once 'twas busy planning, Now 'tis trustful prayer;

Once 'twas anxious caring, Now He has the care.

Once 'twas what I wanted, Now what Jesus says;

Once 'twas constant asking, Now 'tis ceaseless praise.

Once it was my working, His it hence shall be;

Once I tried to use Him, Now He uses me.

Once the power I wanted, Now the Mighty One;

Once for self I labored, Now for Him alone.

Once I hoped in Jesus, Now I know He's mine;

Once my lamps were dying, Now they brightly shine.

Once for death I waited, Now His coming hail;

And my hopes are anchored, Safe within the vail.

Day dreaming, running away

It has been a busy week, not that I have to work late every day, but there were so many things to attend to, there was hardly much time to sit down and do some decent design work. What I dreaded most was all the administrative work that I have to do, emails to write, calls to be made, and overseeing the work to be done to meet "datelines".

Suddenly I felt as if I have gone back in time to about 8 years ago, when I was working as a teacher. As I recalled those days, not that I disliked teaching (in fact, teaching to me is such a noble career), but one thing I hated to consider then was, as one became a more experienced teacher, one ended up with more administrative work and lesser time in teaching. This was one area that definitely put me off quite a bit and still baffled me. Why would anyone in their right mind allow someone so skilful in teaching to go into more administrative post?

Have I also become more "senior" and "experienced" in my work? I dislike to think so. I definitely did not like what I did for the past week, and I would not like to do this for a prolonged period. The reason why I enjoyed my job was most probably I enjoyed the process of digging deep into a design brief, exploring new possible ways to the design, etc, rather than delegating the favourite part of my job to others, and I ended up running around coordinating the work, etc. Selah.... A deep sigh.... And when I finally find some time to do my design, it was already past official working hours. I ended up putting in some "not-up-to-par" design solutions, which only my Lord knows... And an empty feeling begins to emerge from the inside; produce for the sake of producing, no longer really enjoying it, but rather as a task. This is definitely not the kind of lifestyle I seek. For I know for sure that the blessing of the Lord makes one rich and adds no sorrow with it.

And as I behold those people above me, to be honest, I am not in the least envious of them. Being so fully occupied everyday with meetings, coordinating, networking, etc. I just want to be true to myself, engrossed in what I always like to do: design (the stubborn me at work again...), leaving everything to Papa God to take care, as I know He sure knows where to put me, at the right place at the right time.

Perhaps it is precisely such time that my dream break seems more and more essential to me, an occasion for me to "escape" from all these realities, into His arms, and to seek Him. A time to step back and rest. Lord, I really really dislike all the administrative work, help me out of them all! Papa God, deliver me out of this! Only You can! Thank You Father.

Birthday 2006

Last Tuesday was my birthday. I am always pretty shy with this, in fact, I don’t really like to discuss this, as to how to celebrate, or what present I would want to receive, etc. And this explains why, I would give myself a little birthday gift, that is, a break on this day every year, hiding from colleagues, etc, by taking the day off from work, regardless of how rush my work in office is.

Almost without fail, a few days before the actual day, I would have a little celebration with my long-time childhood friend, since we shared almost the same birthday dates, just 2 days difference. Had a simple dinner, and after that we tired each other out by shopping for each other’s present. And on the previous Sunday, I had a nice cosy lunch with my dear church friends, having a wonderful time of chatting and catching up, almost having a recharging effect to me. That was really cool! And back to the office on the Monday, a little cake-candle blowing session was organized by a few close colleagues, and courtesy of the sponsorship of a cake by my absentee boss, I think the secretary has a part to play in it more, still, a great thank you to all.

Yet nothing beats celebrating with my family. On the actual day, I brought 4 of my niece and nephews out for a lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with my mom, simple as it is, but the fun of hanging around with them was unspeakable. Bringing them around for shopping, having a cup of ice cream each, and finished off the day watching TV programme together, when was the last time we did something such as this? It must have been a year ago, I pondered. How I missed such leisurely free time, no one to impress, nothing to rush, enjoying the luxury of “wasting” time.

And my birthday resolution? Now that I am almost fully convinced that by the end of this year, after having entered into my 7th working year, I have decided to take on a more laid back life, making plan to take a really long break, maybe 2 months. And indeed I think I must have started my plan subconsciously already, I actually went to the movies twice within a week! Despite the news of several more projects after I came back from my one day off, I hit the record high of having 7 projects on my list to do! This is a present I don’t really want, as it marks the fact that I have very little time for each project, and ended up delegating my projects to my assistants. (Yes, now I have quite a huge number of human resources.) This perhaps is one thing I am really not used to, as I have almost reached the extent of not having a chance to design anymore, but overseeing their work, writing emails, coordinating the various assistants so that there is no duplication etc, though I know I can handle such task of delegating well by the grace of God, yet I dislike the idea of doing this, as I enjoy the process of isolating myself, being alone with my Shepherd, poring over my design, seeking for little breakthrough and innovative solution. The truth is I am already beginning to feel deprived of this since the day I have more assistants… Guess I really like to be a loner designer, and most of all, to be given sufficient time to explore…

Sorry for the diverse train of thoughts, back to the main theme, thanks to all of you dear ones out there, family, friends and colleagues, thanks for all the treats, the several cakes I received, the watch, toys, books, accessories, etc, but most of all the gift of your precious time during this season, the most precious gift to me is the wonderful time we spent together. Thanks beloved ones! Thanks, thank God for you all!