Alone . With Him

I attempted to walk from City Hall to Orchard twice in a row this week. It was a long walk, more than an hour I supposed, strolling into SMU, even ventured into the art museum today. So many things have happened this week, and before I knew, all have gone into the past, I have taken action, and concluded a chapter in my life. Who would have thought a year ago that I would actually do this? I needed so much to walk, as I left my office a few days ago, and even today after attending a dear friend's solemnisation, I really needed time to think, ponder and cool my head. Have I behaved too rashly? Was I too impulsive? Have I been crazy to make such a decision? (Thank God for a moment as I stepped into the museum, Chen Wen Hsi's works took my mind off my immediate problem and for a while, I relished in the paintings, enjoying the exhibition, especially those of his last days, abstract yet full of dynamics and movement.)

I have given up. I am stepping forward in faith again. For a while I was shocked, when reality dawn on me truly after I have acted, I thought about the fact that I have an aged mom to care for, a flat and monthly bills to pay...But the fact is I have given up, I decided to let go, no longer having any strength within to stand anymore, I decided to give up and give up trying, the hope that the situation will improve disappeared, the pressure that I was facing is beyond I can ever take anymore. For a few moments, I almost felt all alone, my heart was crying. Totally introspective, looking within myself made me miserable. I had been staying in my comfort zone for 4 years, perhaps so comfortable, I have gotten even so used to the pressure, and falling into the constant hot-tempered mode when things just didn't work the way I wanted them to work, and which are happening ever so often these days, almost everyday, that becoming frustrated was an everyday event.

Yet, to once again step forward into the unknown, sounds scary to me, until the Lord brings to my remembrance that He has never failed me in the past, neither will He do so now. I was unable to come to a rest, that was why I started walking. (Now I caught a glimpse of why Forrest Gump ran?) As I was still pondering on my problem, not sure what the future holds, as I close the door behind me to open up the one in front, I saw a couple of kids, lying on the floor, rolling inside a cardboard, having fun. I talked within myself, how carefree they are, how I wish I am a child again, only live for today. Suddenly I was reminded within, isn't I a child of God, and I will always be a child, and I am to come to my Papa God as a child. Why am I worrying about what happens a month from now? Why worry about the future for my Lord has gone into my future, and I am His beloved lamb, and He is my Shepherd, I shall never be in want. Surely He who feed the birds of the air will take care of me! Don't worry about it now, when the time comes, my Shepherd will surely see me through it all. And even if the decision I have made already may even be wrong or a mistake, my Shepherd is able to work all things around for my good. He can prosper even through my mistake.

And therefore, true, I am again stepping out in faith, something that I have not done for several years. Jesus, I enter into Your rest. Shalom.